Saturday Confessions
Today I have a confession...it's not a BAD thing really, but it is about BEING HONEST.
Thursday evening, JB and I went to his oldest sister's place on the lake for her 73rd birthday...we had a BBQ supper there. When we arrived, I was asked how I was doing (we do not see his five siblings as much as we all used to...all getting older and less inclined to "get out"). My response was (as always) "I am GREAT!"
Then JB spoke up, in front of everyone. He stated that I was NOT doing great and why didn't I tell the truth....that I have so little sleep and that is why I sleep in the day time...and that I have alot of joint pain from my cancer meds. They all just looked at me...until I said that it really is not a big deal, that's so many had much worse to deal with.
JB thinks that I should not be embarrassed about sleeping during the day...I am annoyed and frustrated with myself because by now, U SHOULD be nore back to normal but I am niot and I have little patience with myself. I have things to do and places to go and people to meet. I FEEL that I SHOULD be up and about and that I SHOULD be positive and alot more energetic than I am. So I'm embarrassed that I sleep in bits and pieces at the weirdest times of the day...silly, I know, but stubborn pride maybe?
So today, I had to see my family doctor for a 3 mo checkup...he asks "how are you?"..my response "I am GREAT!"...then I confessed that I have not been fully truthful with him and that I have alot more discomfort that I admit to, that I cannot sleep easily though I take 2 sleeping pills each night.
Of course HE then tells me that I have to be fully truthful or vent to SOMEBODY and it should be HIM- my doctor. *hangs my head in shame*..I confessed that I do NOT want to seen as a WHINER, I project a positive attitude and I do NOT want anyone to pity me. Stubborn pride?
So though I continue to have a VERY positive attitude, I do confess that I am not always "fine", that I hurt alot, that I sleep poorly and that the last few months I am truly dragging my butt and have alot of dull aching back pain (mid back) and have been having (very quietly) some difficult gallbladder-like pain in my centre core and back..not often but enough to stop me in my tracks (my gallbladder was removed when I had my RNY)..my energy has not bounced back and I am feeling worn out. JB hopes that just getting away, where no one is calling me to set something up and asking me to create a plan, might help. I do not know.
However, my doctor ordered an immediate set of bloodwork, red & white cells, thyroid, pancreas, liver, bone marrow and x-rays of my spine. All of it was done today. I have to see him in three weeks, as soon as we get back from a road trip, for the results.
THAT was my day. I was worn out from the city excursion, laid down and lay wide awake for 90 minutes- couldn't sleep but I rested...this evening, a dinner party that I pretty well had to attend. I had to fight to get my butt out of her beautiful garden patio chair---at least it was NOT because I over-filled the chair like i used to do......I just did not have the energy to get UP!
So, there's my confession. I put on a good show, but I fake my "wellness" often. Perhaps a "fake it til you make it" illusion. If I do not post, it is usually because I am struggling.
Having said all of this, I remain positive, though some days, I do fake it now and then *s* So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it..again.
You know more than anyone how a positive attitude can build you up just a a poor attitude can tear you down. But, when it comes to your health, honesty is the best policy, to no one if not your doctor
Susan
Nancy oh Nancy 
I understand but will remind you to be totally honest with your doctor.
My response is " Just FINE" said with a big smile. A post-it on my computer gives my true definition of fine:
F - freaked out
I - insecure
N - nervous
E - emotional
Naps are not only good but essential dear lady. They are part of the healing process.
I understand how you are feeling. It is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kisses
Annette
Annette 
Nancy,
While I don't have cancer, like you, I don't want to be perceived as a whiner and that so resonated with me, especially within the recent loss of my dear brother. . . someone once told me, that honesty is best, but that sometimes we need to know who we can be that honest with and to have a safe person with whom we can connect with to share that sort of honesty with, so as not to "worry" those nearest and dearest to us. Lucky for me, I have many such people. I love you for the projection of who you are, but I also know that as human beings, we all suffer from pain, fear and that countering it with a positive attitude is a good thing, but sometimes just sharing how we are vulnerable too, helps. . . sort of like the reading I posted on Facebook yesterday, about tears. . . too often people see tears as weakness, whereas I have always believed that a good cry is freeing . . .
Love you, positive or vulnerable. . .
Peace, Laureen
Aww, Nancy. God love you. I think you're a wonderful positive role model for so many people, but there does come a time when all of us have to admit we're struggling or need help. I'm sorry it's such a hard thing for you to do. I am grateful that you have JB and that he sees the "real" you. Sweetie, the world is not going to come to a halt because you have to take a break! It's okay to let go a little and tend yourself. It doesn't mean you're giving up; it just means you're human. And please, please take care of yourself. Naps are fine. Saying "no" to other people and numerous other obligations is fine, too.
Please let us know what the doctor says about all your test results. Praying for you!
Vickie
Nancy - thank you for posting what you did. This post and another of yours last week have touched me deeply and I appreciate your candor and honesty immensely.
Like many obese women we develop very thick shells to move through society today. With those thick shells comes a false sense of independence. While I don't have cancer I did have an experience similar to yours this past spring when I had my hysterectomy. I was surrounded by people who cared and who were willing to help me, yet I keep saying I was fine. But Annette's definition of fine fit what I was actually experiencing. I did not want to appear weak or a whiner and ask for help. But when things became their darkest I did reach out and ask for help but spent most of the summer beating myself up for it. Your confession last evening, read this morning brought my life into perspective. We have to let down our guard and admit our true feelings at times. That doesn't make us weak or imperfect, it makes us human. Perhaps the lesson learned from this experience for both of us is that it is okay that the hard shell gets cracked or thinned.
Your positive attitude is still there even if you admit to pain and trouble sleeping. Napping is okay.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. This most recent post along with the one you posted about your weight loss journey have helped me tremendously in the past few weeks. Sending you positive thoughts that your pain will be eased and your sleep patterns improved. But ask you the rhetorical question, where is it written in the book of life rules that we have to sleep at certain times of the day? Has anyone actually seen this book of rules that we chase all the time?
Cindi
Nancy....I am so glad you have confided in us. We all cherish you so much!
I am happy to hear you are speaking the truth to your doctor. He can only help if he knows what is going on.
You are such an inspiration to me. I think of you so often as I make decisions. You have helped me more then you know.
I love Annette's "FINE". I copied it and it will be in places so I see it all the time.
It is okay to say NO. I am a people pleaser and a caretaker. It has taken me years to realize how good that is to say and mean it. I take better care of me now. It feels so good.
You rest and nap as you need. I hope you have a great vacation!!
Blessings...Love ...Hugs.....connie d
Oh my goodness does that resonate with me or what. I always say fine. I'm good. Doing great. The truth is, like you, I am not fine. I wonder if one of the problems that we heavier folks have is not only admitting the truth about our size and what got us to that size but how we feel; how we are medically.
I think we all need to remember to admit when we feel badly and when we hurt. The polyanna attitude that we have does us no favors.
No one should ask how we are unless they are ready for the truth... I do understand though. I definitely choose who will get the truth, and the others get something else. There is something else that I think happens with cancer... It's that brave warrior thing. I just hate that right when you are feeling the most afraid and vulnerable you get lots of new rules... Fight, positive attitude, etc. I don't think you should let the demon depression take over, but expectations aren't helpful either, at least in my mind. Cancer is a major diagnosis and therapy, counseling, major friendships seem appropriate to me. I was lucky and my cancer was small, treatable, and mostly a memory now. But even mine was a major event in my life. So whatever you do get support when you need it. Hopefully the test results will give you peace too.
Julia
