Thank You!
Dear sweet sistas,
Thank you all so much for the support yesterday. I needed it. I just felt like I was reeling all day. It helped so much to read your responses. I cannot tell you how much I value each and every one of you. A special thank you to Jeannie for reaching out to me! That was very special.
SO, Butch got home last night and it got better with two of us to face things together. He doesn't have any more idea than I do what to do about things, but at least there were the two of us. Like me, he is very upset with Christie, but what can we do. The baby is coming. We cannot change that. All we can do is decide how to respond to the situation.
So far, Butch hasn't had to say much to Chris at all. She got home after we went to bed last night. And there was only time for a brief good morning before she left for work today. Which is probably a good thing, since--like me--he's trying not to say something he'll regret later on. But privately he is just as disgusted with her irresponsibility as I am. She told me that she got pregnant while on the pill. I tend to doubt it. We've been living in the same house together for well over a year and a half. I have never seen any birth control pills in her bathroom, in her purse, in her car, etc. I think she just makes up things in her mind and then when she tells them, it's like those lies become the truth to her.
Anyway, Butch and I have been talking about what to do. I think, perhaps, we are going to let her and the baby and Benny stay with us through the end of this year, but then ask that in January, she and Mike make other arrangements. They are already talking about moving in together anyway. Although I don't hold out much hope for a future for them. Chris has never been able to maintain a relationship with anyone or live with anyone else--not female roommates, not boyfriends, no one. The only way she and I manage to live together is that I have held my tongue over and over again for the sake of Benny. I don't want him to witness her temper or her craziness when she loses control.
But, you are all right: Chris is almost 30 and Mike is 31. They're adults, they both work full time, and this is THEIR baby. At what point do Butch and I let go? I don't see how they're going to make it--not financially or emotionally--but that is not my problem to solve. However, I do feel very strongly that I need to be in close proximity to be able to step in and help out when needed, to protect Benny and Baby Lilly when needed, and to make sure everything is going well for my grandchildren. Thankfully, Butch feels the same way. We need to be here for them, but we don't have to live with them.
I don't talk about my history with Christie in great detail very often for a couple of reasons. For one, it hurts to remember and relive all of that. For another, I don't want people to judge her based on her actions of the past. I keep hoping things will change. But you all are a little different because in all likelihood you'll never meet Chris and you won't talk about her to other people who know her. But when I tell y'all that Christie is crazy, I feel badly because you have no way of knowing what I know about her. So let me just tell you some things.
I have been through 4 suicide attempts with her. I have lived through mental hospitals and therapy sessions. I have lived through drug and alcohol abuse with her. I have lived through her being a high school drop out and running away from home when she was 17. I have stood by her while she married a Mexican, who was here illegally, and then ran off to Mexico to live with him for a year. She is still married to him and will not pursue a divorce. I have co-signed for thousands of dollars of college loans only to have her drop out again during her senior year and leave me stuck paying the bill! I have seen her scream and rant and rave like a lunatic, call me a ***** and then turn around and cry and sob and plead for "Mommy" to help her. I have lived through fake pregnancies and fake abortions. I supported her when she moved in with John and had a baby out of wedlock with him. I came running when he put her in the hospital and literally upended my life to move here to take care of her and Benny. I have sheltered them both, paid for food and diapers and doctors and gas, provided untold hours of free babysitting, all the while allowing her to live here rent free. And now she is having yet another baby out-of-wedlock with yet another man who is in no position to support her and her children. How much more am I expected to endure?
I tell you all this because I feel badly when I ***** and complain about my daughter. I feel like I come across as being a bad mother. I mean, aren't parents supposed to support their children? Aren't they supposed to make sacrifices for them? How selfish I must sound *****ing about how Chris and Benny are taking up my time alone with Butch. How whiny of me to moan about us not being able to travel and take trips in our new RV. Man, what is wrong with Vickie? She needs to just suck it up for awhile and realize that her family needs her. Right? Right?
Well, not everyone will understand the extent to which I have sucked it up and sacrificed and "been there" for my daughter, and I accept that. Not even our extended family know the whole truth about what all we have been through with her. But I figure if I am going to unburden myself here to you all, you deserve to know just why I am so resentful of my daughter and why I am so, so, so tired of being her mother. I love her. I do. But I just don't want to be around her.
However, I DO very much want to be around my grandson. So much so that I am willing to take his mom into the bargain with him. And I'm sure I'm going to love my new little granddaughter just as much and want to be part of her life. I can't have the grandbabies without their mom, so here I am. Stuck. As always. I will have Chris and her crazies to deal with for the rest of my life. And when I die, Carrie will have them. We have discussed this. Carrie, God bless her, understands that someone will have to be responsible for Christie and her children forever. It's very sad. It's a big burden to carry. I'm sorry for it, but I am her mother. I love her despite all the pain and trauma she has put us through. And I adore my grandchildren. They are worth everything.
So, I am grateful for a private and neutral place to vent. I am grateful for friends who understand and who offer support. I am grateful for a husband who sticks by my side through everything. I am grateful for a family to love and take care of. I am grateful for the happiness and love that I do have, despite everything else. I am grateful for God. None of us get out of this life without some pain, some trauma, some illness, some woe. I don't mean to dwell on the negative. I don't intend to complain endlessly about my situation. I just needed to explain.
Love you all!
Vickie
Vickie-
You don't need to thank me at all for letting you vent on us, I am honored that you share with me. I am going to state my opinion and then shut up. You are the third person that I have encountered in the last year or so of my life that have had to deal with an adult child with mental illness without a comprehensive mental health system in this country. I get angry not at my friends in this situation but at our country that puts it's collective head in the sand and doesn't deal with the issue.
I watched my dear friend shortly after the loss of her husband deal with her daughter's alcohol and drug abuse, pouring well over $200K down the drain trying to help her. There were no legal ways for her to have her commited without any insurance. I have another acquaintence who ha a daughter with schizophernia. He does what he can to help her and her family but it is draining on his income and personal happiness. Again, without money to pay for long term care or commitment there is nothing he can do but sit by helplessly and watch. Now I am aware of your situation.
I so wish that instead of gun control laws, Obama care, etc... this country had a system for dealing with mental health care. At times I wish that there were aslyum's for people to be commited to.
My thoughts are with you and Butch. I support your decision to ask her to leave in January. My friend did that with her daughter and it seemed to spur her to finally get a job and begin supporting herself again. It was painful for her to experience and her daughter tried everything to make it appear that it was my friends fault but it wasn't it's the illness. I know that because I suffer from a form of mental illness, chronic depression. I take my medications and I a seek help when I think I need it but if I didn't have the financial wherewithall to do so I don't know where I would be.
I'll be thinking about you constantly over the next few weeks as you and Butch adjust to this news. Remember that if her mental health does compromise the health and well being of Benny and the new grandchild there is a support system in the state of Texas that would help you help them without having to deal with the dragon. I'm not advocating one way or the other just reminding you that you are not alone in this issue. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Cindi
My sweet, sweet Vickie.....you do not need to thank anyone for the support.
You are an amazing person. You...like me ...and many others will do anything for our children and grandchildren. There is nothing quite like our beautiful grandchildren!!
You and Butch together have made a hard decision. All we as parents can do is be there when we can. It comes a time when they must make it on their own as best they can.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You are one strong lady!! You have gone above and beyond!! 
Be nice to yourself. We love you very much!! I am always a call, email or text away!!
I am happy to hear you will be having a sweet little granddaughter...Lilly. I have always loved that name. Benny must be excited to learn he has a baby sister coming soon! He will be a great big brother!!
Much love....bunches of hugs.... connie d
OMG, Vickie, your daughter sounds just like my daughter. We support her and our grandkids; they live in our house; we buy their clothes; we pay for school things, sports needs, dance clothes...well you get the idea. When I am around my daughter, I watch what I say because we have no idea what will set her off and she aims all of her hate towards me...always me.
When her last baby was born, I paid for her to have a tubal ligation and when I say I paid, I mean I paid the doctor, the hospital, and I gave her a 200 dollar incentive.
She lives, like I said, in my house down in the river valley about two hours from us. About two years ago, I was there picking up the kids for a weekend with my DH and me and she just went nuts yelling at me and telling me that she wasn't going to let the kids come with me...it was about me loaning her money and me saying no. I got in my car and left and ten minutes later she called and said, you can come get the kids. I said, no, no you keep the kids and maybe I will get them next weekend. I love you and I love the kids with all my heart but I am not going to be held hostage by you ever again. You have a week or two to think about it and if you want me in the kids' lives, you better rethink how you treat me.
That week was the longest week of my life because she could have easily gone on one of her drug binges but she called me every night and said she loved me and wanted me in the kids' lives and she was going to do better.
It hasn't always been easy but when she thought that she had lost my support, she changed. She is 36 and finally, after years of not working, she has a job. She isn't the type of mother that I was or that I want her to be but the kids are good and I see them when ever I want.
I am not telling you to risk your relationship with the grand babies but don't be held hostage by your daughter's insanity either. You are at the age in your life when you should put yourself first. Maybe talking to a therapist who could delve into your relationship with her a little more would benefit you and your husband.
As always, there are always things that tie us gals together and sometimes it is our wls and like the two of us, it's our children. I am here if you want to talk.
Well, Jeannie, this is a helluva thing for us bond over, huh? But I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It always helps to know we are not alone in our troubles. I'm glad things are better now with your daughter. Gives me hope that things will improve here one day too. Thank you for your support. It lightens the load.
Vickie
Vickie, you can always come here to vent without being judged. I am not a parent, but I can imagine what my mom thinks about my lifestyle choices. I know I go running to her when I'm in trouble too. I don't want to, but sometimes I don't have a choice. I'm trying to make better choices.
I don't pretend to give advice on your daughter's predicament. Just know you can come here and vent, scream, etc., or do it in private ... PM me and I'll give you my number and we can text or talk or whatever.
You are a good mother for wanting to do the best for your children. Sometimes the best means cutting the cord. But you have to do the best for the grandkids too. I agree with Jeannie ... don't let her hold you hostage with the grandkids.
Dear Vickie:
I have not responded yet to your new situation, not because I do not care, but simply because I am at a loss as to what to say ...no words from me can possibly make your challenges easier, except I wish you to know that I send loving positive energy to you and your family. I am so touched and impressed by the courage and strength that you always display dealing with this and previous obstacles.
A child is always "your child,", no matter how old they are and tough love is not as easy as some may say. I had to practice tough love with my poor Mom and my adopted cocaine-addicted & alcoholic sister....it was hell, trying to do the right thing for both of them and it made ME the "bad guy" and that really hurt.
However, my doctor, seeing how devastating & stressful it was for me to be caught in the middle, insisted that I see a counsellor who taught me how to create boundaries to protect myself, and, in doing so learned to push emotion aside and turn to LOGIC.
THEN, I was able to stand back and see the situation without the drama and chaos and knew that what I had to do was the right thing...it wasn't easy but now I accept the challenges I faced and know that it was a learning experience that also affected my entire family as well.
You are a good person and I pray that you and your hubby will weather this new storm.
Many tight hugs,
Nancy B
