Reverting to horrible old habits and freaking out!!!!

I've been on such a high for the past month - having lost 108 lbs, being under my all my revised goal weights, and hearing people be so complimentary about my weight loss, and buying lots of nice, little clothes.  But very bad eating habits are creeping back, and I am in major freak out mode, and very scared!!!  When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.  Since my surgery last November, most of the time it has been easy to stay on track and eat really healthy.  For the first six months I was never hungry and rarely had any cravings.  It was a wonderful feeling to be so in control and not tempted, and not having to exert any self-discipline.  Now, things have changed.  I am at the place that I worried about getting to, when I first started researching this surgery years ago.

I currently weigh 124.4...gained 1.5 lbs in the past few days, after over nine months of consistent weight loss.  I know - that's not a big deal in the scheme of things.  But I can see where this is headed if I don't nip it in the bud.  I'm paranoid because I self-sabotage.  Every single time I lost weight in my life, I always put it all back on, plus more.  And it always happened quickly.

Fortunately, because of my RNY surgery, there are now physical limits to the amount of food I can eat, and I am so thrilled that I am at this miraculous weight, and never want to do battle with obesity again, but I am so worried!!  These past few weeks I've been having little "treats", and instead of stopping at a moderate amount, I'm increasingly eating more and more.  Yes, there are times that I am genuinely hungry (hate having that feeling back after being free of it for so long post-surgery), but, many times I am simply dealing with "head hunger" and cravings for all the bad things that I used to consume in vast quantities.  Last night, after eating over 1,300 calories by 5:30 pm (I've been trying to aim for 1,300 total each day, including 70-90 g of protein), I went home and ate a dinner roll, 8 ginger snap cookies, 2 mini ice cream bars, cereal and milk, and 2 slices of raisin toast with butter.  It was INSANE but I felt totally out of control...powerless against my cravings.  The more I had, the more I wanted.  Lately the crappy eating has been insidiously coming back.  On several days I had double-scoop ice cream cones!!  One day I ate 2 1/2 muffins.  Crap food that does me no good, but that I love.  I've been having small pieces of cookies, tarts and cakes.  Unfortunately, I am not a "dumper".  I really wish I was because that would be helpful in terms of stopping me from eating sugary/starchy foods.

Some people would say that once we hit our goal weight, we have to learn to live in moderation, but that was never my strong suit.  If I give myself an inch, I'll take ten miles.  There is a long list of red-light foods that can send me spiraling down into a miserable abyss.  But I don't want to feel that I can never have anything I crave, because that sucks.

Sorry for my whining but I'm just in a bad mental/emotional place right now.  I'm determined to get back on track today, but I'm consumed by (pardon the pun), horrified and extremely guilty because of my recent awful eating behaviours.  Thanks for listening.  Anyone out there who is grappling with the same issues?

I should mention that although I keep telling myself to exercise, currently I am not doing anything.  I know how wrong that is, and I need to change that.  Again, pathetic self-discipline at play.

I went through a horrible two year period where I did self-sabotage like you described.  Fortunately, I was in weekly psychotherapy during that time, and was able to work through my emotional reasons for eating.

Research has shown that weight loss surgery patients usually overate for emotional reasons.  I recommend psychotherapy for all of us.  It helped me.

Prior to WLS, I was once very active in Overeaters Anonymous.  It is a 12 step program for compulsive overeaters, patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous.  I have a friend who is very active, who is also a WLS post-op.  I am considering finding a meeting here in Michigan.  I am new here.

Hang in there.  Try not to have any sugary foods in the house.  I keep cheesesticks and pretzel sticks in the house for when I have cravings.  

Hugs,

Trish

Annie-

I'm two years out from WLS and know how you're feeling.  I never met goal and I have seriously fallen off the wagon a lot especially in the last 8 months.  I'm desperately reading mindful eating books and attending support groups offered by my WLS surgeon's program to try to avoid going backwards.  All I can say at this point is hang in there and like Trish I suggest support group, OE or some form of pyschotherapy.  That's what I'm planning for myself.  I'm learning to love this new body and desperately don't want to lose what I've worked so hard in the last two years to achieve.

Cindi