How do we deal with life and death of dear friends?

It's interesting to me that this topic has come up today. I am grieving the spread of breast cancer in a close colleague. I don't know how long she has to live, but I am very aware that her chances of living another year are slim and she is barely 40 with young children. I have known grief well in my life, like Patricia I guess. My Dad died when I was 20 and that was the hardest thing for me to navigate up to that point. I couldn't ferret my feelings out really... I was so young and confused and sad and ANXIOUS. My little brother died of AIDS when I was 35 and my older brother broke his neck in a car accident at the same time... he survived but has lived as a quadraplegic since that day. Since I had never really finished my grieving process with my father, the additional losses when I was in my 30s put me over the edge. I have a sensitive soul...and I kept going but barely. I got help, years of therapy with a wonderful MFCC. It was so expensive, but SO WORTH IT! She saved my life, really. I'm not saying I would have committed suicide, but I understood in a very personal way why people do that. My therapist taught me how to cry. She gave me permission and encouragement to cry from the depths of my soul which is where I felt those losses. I was truly afraid to cry from my soul because it felt so out of control and like I would never stop. I have had many losses since that time and I can say that I still feel the sadness and I still cry from my soul. What I have worked through (I think) is the fear. I am so much happier now. I believe that to love deeply and to go with someone to the edge of life with that love is a sacred place. I was with my Mom when she died and yes I was very sad... but the fear was the part that is disabling. I know that my fear isn't totally gone... I felt it when I was diagnosed with cancer and when I hurt my spine they said it had metastisized to my back (it hadn't). but even with that I handle the grief in a different way now. We all go this way... we live and we will die. Our task is to make our life worthwhile and full. We will handle what comes, sometimes with grace- sometimes without. But together we can handle anything.

Julia

Aloha Julia and thank you so much for your very personal and revealing words of wisdom. So sorry for all the loses you have experienced. It certainly feels different as our lives change with age, doesn't it. I remember losing my dog, a collie, Ladie, when I was like 15....I thought my heart was broken. I had never been without her! She was my shadow. I have never been able to have a dog since then. I have two cats!! They don't show the kind of love and dependency dogs, but still givle me much joy at their antics and personalities.

My life too has been affected by early losses. Actually my sister died when she was seven years old. From rhumatic fever. I wasn't born yet, but her having been the first and MY being born as her replacement made a HUGE impact on me in later years. Probably why I became a psychologist.

We in here all share the very special connection that makes it seem safe and loving to share our deepest feelings. Thank you so much for sharing yours.

Aloha nui loa,

Karen

Karen,

So sorry that you lost your dear friend and neighbor and are feeling that loss so deeply.

Much of the process of grieving is personal and like you said, when we are younger, we see those "older" folks passing and are taught it is the nature of life.  But here at this stage of life it is more personal and I think, at least for me, my mortality has been challenged more by those that die around me now.  My own Mother passed away at the age of 65 years and 11 months. . .  I am now close to 58 and it seems odd to be here, knowing that the days of my life are definitely more behind than in front of me and so with death, no matter if it is someone older than I, or even on some occasions younger, I am reminded that death takes us all and I try not to dwell in that sad place but remember to live each day as fully as if I knew that I would not live to see another. 

When my cousin and good friend died 7 years ago (she was 53), it rocked my world and I spiraled into depression, using food to comfort me, but I was also living a more reclusive life, one of isolation due to not being well connected in my community and my inability to move about as I once had because of my weight. 

Recently, I got shocking news that a friend, someone I knew but a short time, passed away. It was like a punch in the stomach and I experienced overwhelming sadness at the news, even though I knew her briefly and recognized that her gift of laughter was part of what I would miss.  I sent an email to her family, as her services were not disclosed, and I let them know how she had touched my life and that I wished them peace in their own grief and in writing that email I realized the greatest gift is when we touch other lives just as generously as she touched mine, that seemed to help me make peace with her sudden passing. 

It has been some time now since I lost someone close to me and quite frankly, the last great loss I suffered was not a human, but Dillinger, and that tore me up inside, so I did what my heart told me and got a new companion. . .  perhaps that has given me the lesson of working at and cultivating new relationships, they do not replace the lost ones, but life, as "they say" is about living. 

I miss all those who have made their imprint upon my life, but I accept that death is something we cannot escape and while I hope to live and laugh for a long time, I also hope that when I pass, more people will smile for the memory of me, then shed tears for my passing.  I wish you peace as you go through your grieving process.

Sending hugs your way.  Laureen

Aloha darling Laureen .....Thank you for your words of understandiing and encouragement. One of the saddest thing about my friend's passing is her love of her little dog, Bubba. He waits by the door for her everyday.

LOVE ,
Karen

Karen,

I think when we start losing people our own age, or near our age, it hits us harder. When my friends Gloria and Margie died, I was pretty devastated. Gloria, I knew she was going ... she had cancer, she was ready to die. But Margie, she went suddenly, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. It tore me up inside. I was depressed for months. I had meltdowns at work. It wasn't until I got on antidepressants that I was able to properly grieve, to feel Margie's presence within me, remember her.  It took awhile to not feel angry about her death. 

Now, with Mary, who committed suicide, all I feel is emptiness. I don't understand why she would do this. I haven't been in touch with her for several years, but still, she had other friends. We are all asking why. I guess we never know why. She just left us with questions, just like Margie did who died suddenly ... although I can't be angry this time, just sad (still on antidepressants). 

Letting it all out on this forum helps me a lot. Otherwise, I'm just stuffing these emotions back in, and that's not good. I hope we all know we can come here and talk about our losses ... be they friends, relatives, dear furbabies, whatever. 

Aloha Eileen.......I so appreciate your words and sharing your own personal experience with loss. I thought my parents lived a long and good life...they both died at 76! Now, to me, that doesn't seem that old....ha. Just a few years and I'll be there.

The suicides are hard because so often we don't know what the pain was for that friend, and it shows that we really have no control over someone who wants to end their life. My friend, Noma, was so convincing last week when I visited her in the hospital that she was DONE and really prayed to pass in her sleep. And she did.
Her prayers were answered, so why do I feel so sad? Selfishness comes to mind.

Anyway, thanks for giving me another perspective on losing loves ones....friend/family/and loved animals!

Aloha nui loa,

Maui Karen