Guilt Enough to Go Around
If you guys are like I was, you were probably the largest person in your family. I was the largest in my family and the largest in town. When I shopped for food, it was always after midnight at walmart because I hated the way people looked at me and talked about me even though they did not know me or my cir****tances. They saw a super morbidly obese woman who was being pushed in a wheel chair by her teenage son or daughter. I was always in one of the extra wide wheel chairs so that made my appearance even more grotesque.
This morning, my sisters came to visit me here in the hospital and they stopped for breakfast and brought me breakfast but I, fortunately, had already eaten so they had it to pick on while they visited with me.
Here is why I feel so guilty: They are all larger than me now. Even my younger sister who was always the cute little size 4 never weighing over 120 pounds sister. Well, they were all four here and they were all four pulling at their shirts and making comments about me being the skinny minney and that they were the fat ones. My younger sister even said that it is hard to take now that she is a bigger size than I and my sister who is just eight years older than I is now the largest of all of us and she is so vain and it kills her that I am smaller than her. She says with almost tears that she is the fattest in the family now but she is no where near where I was and probably wears about a 18, which is big, but not like I was. They kept saying these things about my size and it took me back to when I was a teenager and they three older girls were so jealous of me with my cute little figure and they were all having babies or just had babies and two of them were convinced that I was prancing around trying to seduce their husbands. I feel them going back to that jealous place where they were suspicious of me and not liking me as much as when I was grotesquely obese.
Do any of you have that same problem with friends or family members? How do we handle the guilt we feel because our size bothers those we love?
Please, share your stories here so we can try to come to terms with this body image problem that comes from how others perceive our position in the the family and how our new size affects their position.
I know some of you have had to deal with husband issues; fortunately, my old man is content with me at any size. It's my sisters and girl friends that are losing their ground with me.
Hi Jeannie,
I am still that "size 16/18" who is afraid to realize my true potential. Right on the edge, but forever afraid to take those last steps. Friends tell me I look great as they remember how miserable and unhealthy I was in early Feb of 2005. Yes. my RNY anniversary is right aound the corner. I am so fortunate that my friends and family loved me then and love now. I don't have any sisters so I don't know those dynamics.
I do remember my two older brothers (8 and 12 years older) introducing me at various times as their "baby" sister. They were saying it affectionately but I can just imagine the thoughts in the minds of those I was introduced to.
I am confident about my talents and ablities in many ways, but I defnitely am still a work in progress. Jeannie, I haven't posted here much. Your thoughtful post brings me back.
Has Kenny had his second corneal transplant? Be sure and tell him and "little" Matthew hello. I'm sure Matt towers over you now. Hope that you and yours are doing well and that you are soon home and healthy again.
What a roller coaster this life is, but I sure wouldn't go back to the misery of the year 2004 no matter how complex the issues become.
Karen C
Karen,
Kenny is due to get his second transplant in May. If all goes well, he will then accompany me to the Middle East where we see how we like the hot, hot summer and we will look at the housing they provide. I stayed in one of the villas when I was there last week and they are super nice. A couple gets a three bedroom, three bath, large kitchen, dining room, and living room, and study. Not much of a yard, but I am not a yard person anyway. There's a privacy fence around the patio at the bottom and the veranda on the second floor has a nice little wrought iron thingy around it. I like the villa but I could also live in a high rise apartment...I think I'd like the villa.
It is always so good to hear from you and when we met, you certainly didn't look like an 16-18. You were my inspiration. Don't be too much of a stranger.
Jeannie, I was the second largest in my family. Now I a the smallest. Most of my family are really ok with it. I do have a neice who is a doctor & who is big. she has never said anything about my weight loss & will not recommend it to her patients. Her sister is also big & has had ankle & hip problems. They are both in their 30's. My heart breaks for them. I wonder if I was still big would my cancer have been found as fast this time around. I have no breasts, so no mamagram.Just a lot of odd questions. Be proud of you & what you have done. You put yourself first for a change.
Nan
Nan,
I have a friend who is barely 5 feet tall and she weighs four hundred pounds. She earned a PhD before she was 25, speaks five languages, and is no doubt the smartest person I know but she was so obese no university would hire her so she went to LPN school and is working her life away in a nursing home. I begged her to get the surgery and when her dad died, she inherited money and could easily paid cash for the surgery but she said nope. It is sad to see the way people look at her and how she is treated...been there and done that and will never go back.
I know my medical care is much improved since losing all the weight. So you are probably right about them not finding the cancer with all the weight on you.
I do try and put myself first but I come from a long line of women who martyr themselves and put everyone and everything above themselves and I am not different. I do try, though.
Hello Jeannie!!
I have always been the smaller one in my family even before surgery. Now I hear all kinds of snide remarks. I just blow them off. I did this for ME not for any of them or anyone else.
You have come a long way. I am proud of your accomplishments. Try not to let others get to you. If you are comfortable where your weight is so be it!!
Love and hugs.....connie d
Connie,
I don't think their remarks bother me as much as me feeling guilty because I am now smaller than them which usurps the dynamics of our relationship. I am sure it will always be that way. You know, they were the cheerleaders and I was the egg head. They all married right out of high school and I went to college and got a bachelors in nursing first then married. I divorced my children's father and was the first person in our family to have the guts to divorce a man. So, I've always stood apart from them in my politics, my professional life, and even religion. Now this. I'm with you: I don't regret it and won't let that guilt get me down.
Jeannie:
I was always the largest in my family; my sister was obese for awhile but then she lost her weight in college on the original Weigh****chers diet and has never regained (lucky her!). She then became a PE teacher and coach. She is very rigid about her diet, never even has anything in her house that will tempt her ... if her students give her candy, she pawns it off on her family. When I had my surgery, she was the only one I didn't tell, because I thought she would give me the old "lose weight by cutting calories and exercise" lecture. She didn't ... she never said anything about it ... never said, "You look good, congratulations." But that's my sister ... we were never close. In fact, she's not close with anyone in the family.
I hear ya about your friend who won't try the surgery. I had a couple of friends ask me about it, then say they never would do it. ... well, until now. My good friend Mary Kay is going to have hers in two weeks. I'm so happy for her. She is diabetic and needs knee replacement. She has lost 50 pounds already. I never said, "You must have this," just encouraged her in whatever she wanted to do. I think she made a good decision. I hope it works out for her.
