Sometimes I think I get it.

Every once in a while, I will actually have a really wow, wow moment.  Not one of those that I realize that I can do this or that, but one that is more of a mental one.  I know a lot of us struggle with our body image or our realistic body image.  For instance, when I was obese, I thought I was normal.  When I’d see my reflection, I’d never realize it was me until a few seconds of looking at the reflection.  I’d think, who the hell is that huge assed woman.  Then, when I got sick and lost down to below 100, I thought I was still huge.  Now, I am an average size; some even call me tiny.  I try to tell myself all the time that I am ok; that I am normal but I still think that I am big.  Today, I was in the lady’s room, and I was looking in the mirror, turned to my side and was looking at my body profile. I lifted my shirt and looked at my pants and at my hips, and my belly and I thought, wow, I look normal.  One of the other faculty members came in and said, wow, you are really filling out.  I said, what?  Thinking, **** I must be getting huge.  She said, we were all worried about you.  You got down so much and we thought you were going to die.  Now, you have the perfect body.  I wanted to say, no way—my body is awful and I have all this skin that sags.  But, I stopped myself and looked at her and said, thank you.  I really have to work at not gaining too much or not losing too much.  She said, I know you are always working out and taking the stairs—I wish I could be more concerned about my own body.  I looked at her and said, you have the perfect body.  Then we both looked at each other and laughed.  She said, we are typical women, never happy with how we look. 

 While it seemed as if we just had one of those girl moments where we both had to admit that we were worried about our bodies, for me it was much more intense.  I am learning to take compliments about not only my body but also my professional life.  I really think that I am finally growing up.  

Jeannie,

Congrats on that awesome WOW MOMENT!!!!

You have come a long way!!  I am proud of you.

We never see ourselves as others do. My head hasn't caught up to my body at all. I wish I could get over that.

HUGS....connie d

CONGRATS!!! I am proud of you Jeannie!!! You have come a long long way!!!!

HUGS

Jeanne,

Those sort of WOW moments are the ones that make me know I am growing up too and in the past few years there have been a number of them, those aha moments and some it the most simple of things, but because I never had such high esteem for my own self, I did not see what gifts I really possess or the fact that human beings are all flawed and if all I look for are the flaws, then I cannot see the wonderful things about them or me.  The body image thing was and continues to be one I work on, but in the past I accepted my body on a certain level, knowing it was not healthy, but the reasons for accepting it were due to the feelings of futility and laziness.  Today, I try to accept myself from a different perspective, which is of a woman of maturity, one who has come a long way both physically and certainly mentally. 

I remember your struggles when you got so thin and I worried for you and wanted to encourage you, but I was newer on this path and really did not feel I had the right words of wisdom, but I cheered you from the sidelines, wishing you a full return to health.  It is good to read your posts, to see your wisdom born of having experienced and overcoming such life threatening complications.  Growing up is not so bad, it's growing old I can do without and for me, it's a mindset. . .

Hugs, Laureen

Jeannie, I remeber reading your story years ago. I cried for all the hurt you went through. I guess most of us did, but your story really got to me. I am so glad you are getting to a good point for you. And it is nice when when people notice. Please, don't grow up too much, we love you the way you are!!!!!
Nan

Hello,

    It is so great to have a WOW moment like the one you have. I'm still at the place where I feel fat, fat fat. My sister, Ellen, live together. My other sister, Lee, owns a townhouse within a few miles of us. She hopes to drive down from Palo Alto around Thanksgiving. Ellen was talking to her on the phone and said, "You won't recognize Mag. She is beautiful." I said " Don't tell her that. I'm still a fat toad."  I have dropped 6 dress sizes and can't see it. I hope I have a WOW moment like you did. (sooner rather than later.)     Mag  

It took me a long time to get over the body image and I still have moments when I am thinking that I am so huge.  I really work on my mental part.  We all have so many issues with our bodies that it's a wonder we are ever able to get over our selves.  I remember going into the store and being the fatest person in the store.  And people gawking at me and some laughing and some talking.  My son was always very protetective of me and he would glare them down or say something really horrible to them in my defense.  Now, I sometimes still have anxiety thinking that I am being stared at.  It's a hard thing to come to terms with.