How much is too much?

My friends who know that I have had wls are still waiting for the ball to drop.  They watch every bite of food that I eat and often remind me of how sick I was and how I could have died.  They still remind me of those people that they know who have had wls but have gained the weight back.  I regret telling those few friends about wls because they will say things like: I would be a skinny butt too if I could have my stomach sewn shut.  Or, no offense to you, but really having surgery is the easy way out and I want to do it the honest way.  I even remind them that honestly, I did it the honest way the first couple of hundred pounds.  Then they remind me of Paula K.

Our friend, Paula K, had gastric bypass a couple of years before I had my surgery. She is one of those women who is a giant in both size and personality.  So, when she did the wls, everyone knew every pound she dropped, every inch she lost, and all the ins and outs of her daily struggle to keep in her protein and drink her water.  But she was unable to reach her goal weight and, in fact, began gaining weight.  When I decided to have wls, I told her and asked her to keep it a secret, which she did all of five seconds, but, like I said, she has a gigantic personality, so I forgave her for betraying my secret to our group of friends.

Although she has gained a lot of her weight back, she is still smaller today than she was previous to surgery.  She and I meet a few times a month for coffee and she generally orders one of the designer coffees that has a lot of sweet cream and chocolate toppings.  In addition, she will order a sweet roll.  (I swear I am getting to the point of this post).  A few days ago, she and I were having our coffee and I asked her about her surgery.  She said, the surgery worked at first, but that she had learned ways to beat the pouch.  She said that sugary treats would make her sick so she figured out that she could eat a bite or two and wait an hour and eat another bite or two and eventually she was able to get the treat down.  And, she said that when she ordered a burger and fries, she would graze on it for an hour until she could eat it all.  She told me that she usually grazes on food all day long because she figured the trick to her pouch.   I asked her about exercise, and she said, “I have never been an active person.  So, I was happy that the pouch worked so well for me without exercising.”  My final question to her was without grazing, without tricking your pouch, how much food can your pouch hold?  She said, “If I eat meat, not much.  Two or three bites of meat is all my pouch will hold.”  I said to her, why don’t you quit playing games with your pouch and get this added weight off.  She said, “Jeannie, you know.  I like to eat.  I’ve always liked to eat.  WLS took the one constant in my life away.”  Knowing that she doesn’t really want her pouch to work the way it is designed to work makes, for me, makes her weight gain sensible.  If she is happy, who am I to be critical of her weight gain and who am I to say she was not successful.  She isn’t as large as she was and she truly does seem like she is content.

But, being around her always makes me question my future and if I will always maintain the size that I am at now, and this is my wls surgeryversary and I am in a somewhat reflective mood: assessing what I can do and what I can wear, and how good I feel and all of that stuff.  I still look in the mirror and think that the small woman looking back isn’t me.  I am also reminded by the handful of medicines that I take to keep my pouch and intestine healthy that my success at weight loss has more to do with the complications that had than my sheer will power.  But there are a few things that I started doing the day of my wls and still do today: 1) I eat out of a very tiny coffee saucer.  2) I never get seconds. 3) I eat meat first. 4) I avoid glider foods. 5) I snack on raw fruit, vegetables, or cheese. 6) I do not eat sweets or breads or pasta.  7) I move around as much as I can as often as I can. 8) I drink at regular intervals except my morning coffee, which I drink and sip on for a couple of hours. 

So, I guess when I read posts from some of you guys about all the various struggles of weight gain or weight loss stalls, I want to ask the questions:  How much food is enough for your pouch? And, more importantly: How much is too much?

Jeannie you are so right!! I also see how some people eat and wonder why did they have WLS in the first place! I am guilty also of eating wrong at times also but I do not over indulge. I know when to stop. Sure there are times I HAVE eaten so much I made myself sick and wished I hadn't done that, but live and learn. My pouch still rules and for that I am glad it STILL DOES!!!!

HUGS

Judy, I'm like you.  I just cannot understand why one would have the surgery and not work it.  You and I are both lucky that are pouches remind us of who is in control.  I see something that I really want, and I think about the pouch and do I want to have foamies or do I want to throw up or do I want to risk not being sick or having foamies.  I think Jan C said it best and I am paraphrasing but she said, I don't want to try sugar because I am afraid I might be able to eat it.  Well, stupid me tried a bite of cake once and I got so sick that I thought I would die.  That's all it took for me.  

Good for you on keeping the pou*****ontrol.  

Annette, you and I are so similar in what we can and cannot eat.  When I eat cottage cheese, I fill really quickly.  I usually can eat one chicken thigh but only if it is baked.  For some reason, fried chicken is too dry and it plugs my pouch up and then I throw up.  While I love eggs, I cannot eat but a few nibbles, because eggs are one of those really dense foods.  

I think most people consider my diet too boring too.  Every once in a while, I eat the small lunchable just for the ham and cheese and cannot eat all of that.  The cookie and crackers, I put in a baggy and give them to my DH for his lunches.  

I think the hardest thing for most of us is to get our heads wrapped around the concept of a bite or two is all we really need.  For me, I am full; I know I am full, but I think, I should eat something else.  I don't, but I can easily see where some might forget that only a bite a two will hold them over.

I still have days where I am so busy, I will eat a bite of peanut butter from a jar that I keep in my desk, and that's all I need.  Other days, I need a little more.  My goal is stop thinking about food.  Even with all the problems that I have had, I still think about food a lot of the time.   

Connie I know what you mean about things sneaking upon us.  I cannot eat bread, but the other day, I took a piece of bread and put a little butter on it and tried to eat it.  I thought: what the hell am I doing?  Not eating bread is a good thing. I shouldn't keep trying.  HA!  

The small plate works wonderful for me because I only put a little bit of food and once it is gone, that's it.

Good luck on getting back to basic.  

Jeannie,

Great post. I sound way too much like your friend Paula. I have gained about 30 lbs back from my lowest weight. I am one of those "blessed (not!)" with the ability to eat just about anything in small amounts. I get sick rarely; the foamings occassionally and have made myself upchuck when I almost immediately know that something is not going to stay down.

That being said, I too am still, after 6 years, doing my best (reread:this is a lie isn't it?) to take care of myself. I sometimes choose to work around my pouch. Why the hell do I do that? My only answer, not an excuse, but  fact is that my head is still screwed up when it comes to food. It was my everything and I still want it to serve that purpose at times.

Why do I not continue to do what worked so well for 3 years and get down to the weight I would really like to be? Not so much; just about 50 more lbs. Having lost 150 lbs that doesn't seem like so much. I still think down deep I just don't really know how to handle success. . . I feel great, go and do what I want, can buy nice clothes. Most of all, I walk into a room not in fear of being the largest, being stared at, not fitting into a seat.  I have more self confidence, but still not what I really would like to have.

This next week I go back to my counselor for my anxiety disorder to look a bit deeper, to try to get honest (yet again) with myself. I remind myself that it is about the journey not the end result. I seem to for some reason want to drag this particular journey out as long as possible.

You've given me a lot to think about. This post probably means nothing to anyone but me, but that is enough.

I didn't answer your question: How much is enough? At one sitting, in 15 minutes, about one cup, or one half of a sandwich, or 4 ounces of meatloaf, less of chicken or steak. So. . . the pouch does still work WHEN I CHOOSE to work it correctly. . .

Jeannie, it's great to have you back. You always give me things to think about, to work on.The "head" work will always be here as long as I walk this earth.

Karen,

I know so well what you mean about having that head thing.  I can never ever get my head wrapped around this new me person.  When people compliment me, I cannot, for the life of me, take the compliments.  I get as stressed about that as I got stressed about walking into a room and being the largest person in the room or worrying about having a chair that I could fit into or about the bathroom stalls.  It all comes down to our head.  We are either not good enough or too good or too fearful.  I am so afraid that I am going to wake up tomorrow and my body will be back the way it was.  So, because of that fear, I make myself do the rules that have defined me for the last few years.  I can hear my friends, "oh that plate is too small.  You need to eat more than that."  I just close my ears and eat what I determine to be enough, never wanting to push the pouch rules.  

I hope you get back on track and lose those few extra pounds.  The best thing: fifty is so much easier to manage than 150.  Fifty is like taking one thing off of your plate once a day and adding one activity a week to what you are already doing.  you can do this.  I know you can.