TGIF - The Elephant in my room - Dealing with regain

Well as I reflect on the past weeks ups and downs, I must say that it was mostly a good week, at least where my food choices were concerned, the downside for me right now is exercise and the lack thereof, as my back is still not right and I have yet to figure all that out. Looked into gyms with pools and just can't add that into my budget right now, so I'm truly considering going back and doing a very modified workout just to keep what I've lost in the past several months off and not have a backslide into regain.

This Wednesday past, we had our support group and I told my story in celebration of my 4 years, two things happened that day and the first was that I printed out a picture of me taken at my family reunion in August 2007 to bring with me to my support group, it was on my desk and one of the people I work with looked at it, he asked if that was a relative of mine, lol, I told him that was me and he was incredulous, then when I got to the place where we have support group as I went to take out the only item of clothing I still own from back then, a leather jacket that my cousin who had WLS in 2004 had given me, I was afraid that the jacket was going to fit me like it used to. . . which was very tight across the belly. . . so there I stood in the parking lot, in the rain, trying on that jacket on to see if it fit; guess what, it wrapped around my body, a sigh of relief is what I felt, you see I'm still fearing and expecting to be "fluffy" again, 4 years have passed since I turned myself over to the capable hands of my surgeon, countless hours in the gym, lots of time spent in buying and preparing food the way it should be for someone on our journey and still I cannot relax and believe where I am today. I am afraid that if I relax, after all I did that last year, the result will be the old person I was, and while being fluffy should not define me as a person, I was for most of my life and I really don't want to be that way again, and so the work to maintain this new physical self is where I am trying to hone my skills today, that and changing my perceptions on me today. I am a work in progress, my head and heart still don't match up, my heart is big, but the acceptance factor in my head, not so much.

Thanks for reading and sharing in my journey.

Laureen

Sharing our journey experiences is comforting.....we are all so similiar yet different. When trying to capture our new self we relive the person we were. Never want to be that person again. I carry 2 pictures of the old Monica......I share them often and watch the looks of surprise and sometimes disgust on peoples faces. No longer invisible. Recently while shopping for clothes in a really fine shop, I could not believe that was ME in the mirror.....how could I look that good and wear such nifty items. I go look at the clothes in my closet, almost to re-affirm, yes these are mine. Fluffy stuff in my head, shallow, no....these feelings run deep inside.

Monica,

It is only with those who've trod this path that I can share these thoughts, as I've sometimes tried with so called "normal" folks, even fluffy ones (lol), and more often than not the looks on the faces is one of puzzlement, so I am grateful that in this forum and that of my support group, I can share what goes on in my head.  Some days I look in the mirror and am pleased with what is reflected back at me and on other days, well I see that old person I once was and feel a sense of disgust.  I don't see myself as either vain or shallow, but looking to accept myself and find peace and this is something on some days that I do have, so I have the hope that one day it will all be just fine. . .

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

I think we all have a false self image.  When I weighed over 300 pounds, I thought I was average and would be shocked when I saw my reflection and now that I am smaller, when I think of myself, I think I am huge.  When I look in the mirror, I am almost always shocked at the smaller version of me.  

I, too, worry about regaining and when they had me on the fortified formula to gain weight, I cried every day and had to remind myself that the regain was necessary for me to live.  I, too, put clothes on that I have kept, normal clothes, that I need to try on from time to time to remind myself that I have not somehow morphed into a larger size.  

We all will forever have issues with food and our body images.  I cannot even describe myself using the same adjectives that others use.  I still consider myself obese and yet my doctor tells me I am the perfect weight for my height.  This wls journey for us is forever.  

Your comments on forced regain hit home.....when I was at 137 lbs I was very sick. I did not realize how much danger I had put myself in. Eating became a problem.....I did not want to eat and did not want to hear from my doctor that I had to gain weight. After a life time of being obese, how could I be TOO thin!
I am still amazed when I see me in a mirror or window....is that me? So often I see the flaws on my body, the wrinkles, the hanging flesh on my arms and legs. Funny I never saw the flaws in my obese body...maybe I only saw me face up, not body down.
Our minds are so powerful.....glad we have each other to sustain us on our path.

Jeanne, 

I remember well your having to regain weight and how that made you feel, I also understand when you thought at 300 lbs. you were average, what comes to mind is how when I was a size 22/24 I had a hard time finding clothes to fit because in my minds eye, that was the average larger size woman and how I thought I looked good then and now when I look in the mirror, not every day, but enough days, I seek and focus on my flaws. . . yup this wls journey is forever and somehow I think we will always be works in progress, though I truly hope one day to be at peace within my own mind and I think if I keep at it, one day I WILL. . .

thanks for sharing your thoughts

The surgeon reroutes the plumbing, we have the hard part of trying to reroute the brain.

Body image - egad!! Yesterday I walked way around my car thinking the space by the pillars was too small. When I returned to the car it was raining and not thinking I walked through the space with room to spare.

 or   Who am I???

Kisses

Good Morning,

 I too identify with your post. I'm wearing pants that fit last year everywhere but were too tight in the thighs. Following my August thigh lift these same pants are now loose all over. I still have some swelling in my lower legs but most of that is gone. Now the hard part. To keep what has been lost, to tone to the best of my ability what remains and to become content with me as I am.

 Still I have areas that need work, namely the arms and droopy breasts. If I do anything there it will not be for at least  couple of years. I continue to have upper back pain. I've tried physical therapy, chiropractic, support bras and still I wake up during the night hurting so much.

I plan to start back at the gym next week. I've been walking quite a bit but need to get back into that exercise routine. Laureen, have you thought about adding some gentle stretching exercises at the gym? I need to get new shoes. I find that after about 6 months of active exercise my shoes need to be replaced even if they still look good. My calve and feet will hurt.

Lets keep walking our walk, moving in the the forward direction a bit each day. If I stand still it won't be long before I start to slide backwards. That's the way it always seems to go for me. I know I don't want to go back to where I was. I too am definitely a work in progress. I think that is truly what life is about. Progress from the day we are born. It's about the journey isn't it? Have a great Friday everyone!

Laureen....you are so right on with this post. I have regained and can't seem to get it off. My depression is so awful and I am so down on myself. Yes, I am in therapy. I try to tell myself I don't care about the regain but I really do and I hate myself for getting back in those old eating habits.
I was doing well even exercising and weighing my food. Then Chuck died. I can't seem to find the will to make the changes I need to make. I have tried and tried. I do okay for a few days then back at it again. Food was always my comfort and addiction.....guess somethings just never change!!
I can't seem to find that ray of sunshine I need to overcome these feelings.

Oh welll...I have gone on long enough...sorry I went on so.

I always enjoy your posts so much. Please keep posting them. You help me more then you know.

Love and hugs....connie d

Connie,

I so understand your grief, I've been there and it was truly one of the darkest periods in my life, nothing seemed to make me want to go on, I prayed nightly that I should not wake up in the morning, but I'm still here and ultimately part of what I needed was to go back to AA meetings, which at the time I had stopped doing for a long period and when I finallly dragged myself back, it took me some time, but I eventually came out of those dark days.  I know each person grieves in their own time and way and I just want to tell you that I understand Connie and what someone once said to me, was do you think Roselle (my cousin's name) would want you to be this mad/sad (I was both) and immobilized?  I knew she was all about laughter and living life as large as possible and that she truly would be pissed at me for giving up on the things that she held so dear, my own family, which I did not find joy in because I was so immensed in my grief and slowly Connie, I came out of it, the anger lasted the longest and sometimes I still miss her laugh, her silly side and the fun we had, but I do believe that one day, sooner than later, we will share that laughter again. . .  I don't know Chuck or the relationship you had, but somehow I believe he would want you to live, laugh and enjoy your life, because you once said something about him being the kind of person that was always there for you, well they still are, we just have to sit and remember the laughter, the conversations and conjure up what was and know their spirits live within us now.

I wish you peace Connie