Realization of being a dumb stupid mother

Thank you all for your words of love and strength given to sustain and support me. I cherish your support. I really was upset and so down. Pushing myself forward will be my goal, letting go of the past is difficult and the shame I feel is so real. Down but not OUT. Thanks again.

Oh, dear sweet Monica. Do let go. You have come so far in other aspects of your life, don't let this send you backward!
We have a son who hasn't spoken or acknowledged us in nearly 19 years. I put my feelings on paper, burned it and watched my hurt float away with the smoke! You have no idea how freeing that can be.
I know you will survive this, just as you have survived many other hurdles. I am thinking of you.

Monica.....my heart is breaking for you.....I am so sorry!

You are an awesome mother, wife and friend!!!

Love you.....HUGE HUGS......connie d

Dear sweet Monica-

I read this yesterday and I couldn't respond..my eyes blurred with tears..both sad for you and also remembering that very same sense of failure about my perceived lack of doing "good enough" as a young mother.

Although my two sons have grown into reliable, responsible hardworking and loving men, and no sign of estrangement from either one, my memories of my shortcomings have eaten away at me for so many years...going over and over memories when I couldn't deal with my stress (serious abuse issues & marriage problems) and taking it out on my oldest son and he was the perfect child...how could I do that??. I even spanked him..hard..and for that I still feel sickened remembering.  I couldn't forgive myself and felt that I had been such a bad mother when all I wanted was to give my boys the kind of loving mother that I never had.

Finally, I followed the advice of a certain Texas redhead sistah of mine "Y'all put your big girl panties on, and ya DEAL with it!"  So one day, a few months ago, I wrote a letter to Danny who is now 36.

I told him everything..that I was a very naive young woman from an overprotected but authoritarian home, that I had allowed myself to blindly follow his father's concepts and authority and that I didn't really know much about life or what I beleived in nor did I have any idea about who I truly was at that age, and so I felt helpless, trapped and hurt and took it out on him.  I begged his forgiveness for that and for also not exposing him to more about spirituality so that he could make up his own mind when he got older instead of allowing the boys to be told by their father that there was no higher power and when you die, that's it.

Now I am 63 and much wiser...now I know who I am..I am not religious but I am spiritual and I have regrets about that part of my mothering..they were exposed to my husband's rages and abuse of me and I should have protected them from that.  Instead, I felt powerless and stayed.

Years later, we have just reached 41 years of marriage..we have made our peace and carried on together...both of us have matured and I have grown immensely (not just physically...lol) but in my experiences and knowledge and understanding. I choose my battles now and I tell him that.  I have finally learned to RESPOND instead of REACT. and so much more (got to stop babbling here, I apologize).

My point is, that I sent that letter and he responded by saying that I should not second-guess myself, that I did whatever I did because it was how I dealt with my issues at the time and had no other resources and he said that he loved me and that he turned out just fine and not to worry anymore...broke my heart that he could be so forgiving and kind when I felt that I didnt deserve that. Of course I cried over that letter.

I guess what I'm saying is that I felt your pain so strongly when I read your post because I've been there, feeling the weight of responsibility and feeling the pain of having made a mistake.

But remember this, dear lady.                                             You chose to accept accountability and work your way back up and have taken control of your problem and dealt with it. You have worked hard and set such a wondrous example to the rest of us and to your daughter. I am so very proud of YOU!

Your daughter has made a choice, just as you did. But she has chosen to embrace anger and resentment and it is not your responsibilty to "FIX" this...this is HER choice to make.  There could come a time when she may see another perspective but you can hold your head high knowing that you have accomplished such a challenge.

Do not allow this to control your happiness. Just leave the door open...maybe some day she may come to appreciate your amazing journey back and perhaps she will learn from that.

Many hugs,

Nancy

Dear...dear Monica, I have not even read your post yet....I do not like for you to downgrade yourself like that.....remember God don't make no dummies or junk.....
luv and stuff.....Sam