Feeling out of sorts...need to vent.

I need to vent, or rant, and it is a bunch of little things, but it hit me hard this week.

Let me start with Saturday...I did not get to my OA meeting, because I was falling asleep in my AA meeting, and knew the same thing would happen sitting in the OA meeting.  I fall asleep a lot these days.  Not sure what that is about. 

Back up to Friday, I tried to call in sick on Friday, because I was vomiting (dry heaves) all night, and was tired and nauseous when it was time to get up and go to work.  I had been constipated terribly for about four days, and my boss read me the riot act about my lack of commitment to the job.  I told her I would come in late and work to improve that aspect of my job performance.  (I got an enema and some laxatives and that improved my digestive disturbance.)

Monday was my grandson's birthday.  I tried to call him Monday to wish him Happy Birthday, but only got to leave a voice mail on my daughter's cell phone.  I also worked four hours on Monday.

Tuesday, I tried to call my daughter, and again only got her voicemail.  Eventually, she called me back and left me a voicemail to the effect that they were out somewhere on Monday, and that Lincoln was at her in-laws on Tuesday, so I could not talk to him then.  (These grandparents get to see the Munchkins all the time because they live 10 minutes away, not 12 hours like me.)

I am working 3-4 hours every day this week, and will work all day Saturday and Sunday.  I don't dare ask my boss for one of these days off after Friday. 

On Saturday, my son came to town to take his Dad to a Phillies game for a combination birthday/Fathers Day gift.  It was the first time they got to get together since my ex's birthday in June.  When my birthday came around in November, I did not hear from any of my kids.  I had talked to them a lot the week before, because that was when I had my first pulmonary embolism.

So, with my son coming to town, I asked him if he would help me get my DVD player working with my new HDTV, which I could not get to work.  His response was, "I feel like your six figure errand boy.  If you want to see me, just ask to see me.  You don't have to come up with chores for me to do." 

Now for the piece de resistance.  Mom.  Need I say more.  I have asked her multiple times to come down to help me with my move over Labor Day weekend.  She acts all put out about answering that question.  I could use her help, and to add to the stress, her 85th birthday is the day after Labor Day, so we could celebrate it together as a family.  She lives 2 hours away, and Hell will freeze over before I spend a night in her house.  She has mold somewhere, and I always get sick when I am there.  I am allergic to mold.

I called Mom the other night, and we talked.  I tried to call her last night after 9:00, and she is usually home.  Rarely is she out with her beau.  I left a message, and tried again around 10:00.  Then again around 10:30.  Finally, at 11:00, (She usually stays up till after the nightly news.)  she answered the phone yelling, "Go away, I am trying to sleep.  I have to get up in the morning."  Did I mention, she rarely returns phone calls?  She believes she should not have to call her kids.  They should call her.  She is the MOTHER.

My Mom is 84 years old, and has already had several heart attacks.  All of my family members died suddenly.  No long term illnesses.  My Dad, at age 51, was cooking dinner one minute, and was dead on the kitchen floor the next.  When I can't reach Mom late in the evening, I wonder if her time had come. 

Tonight, I am out of sorts.  I feel useless and so discouraged, and alone.  I skipped Bible study tonight, because I am afraid I will oversleep again tomorrow morning and be late for work. 

Sorry to whine.  I have nobody to talk to tonight. 

Hugs,
Trishqqq

Dear Trish,

     You go right ahead and vent. We all care about you very much. I wish I could help you in some way. Just letting you know I'm here for you.    Mag    Here's my sisterly kiss.   

Thanks Mag.  Just typing that helped me tremendously.  Your love and concern helps just as much.

Hugs,
Trish

Trish
We all need that vent time sometimes.  SOrry I missed this until now ..   I remeber right after my divorce long long ago and I loved here in this town and knew almost noone ...what a lonely place to be when you have noone to talk to when you need it .
We have justt moved here  (  we were a military family ) and my ex got all crazy AGAIN ,,,,he liked more than one woman at a time ,,,,he was always bad in math LOL  he didnt know that one man one woman make a couple ,,,anyway so I divorced him and lived in this podunk town and know almost noone and had only my NOW JOB that i had been working at for a few months ...HOW LONELY 
Anyway now 23 years later ,same job, new man, new life and thank GOD everyday for all ,,,
I sald all that to say ,,,,,,LIFE can change , will change if you believe an you pray and i am praying for a better day for you .
I sure understand you trying to call your mom and cant get her.  I have the same situation and so that is a scary thing isnt it ..
 
Praying for a better day for you my cyber sister
Hugs
Shirley

Thanks Shirley,
It is comforting to know that you empathize.  I appreciate the support.

Hugs,
Trish

Trish, Man oh man. . . Families!  Can't live with em can't live without em. But they can push our buttons can't they? My feelings would be bruised also. I'd be tempted to adopt the "til Hell freezes over" attitude but it's hard to do that when there are those beautiful grandchildren that you want to hear from and see.

My mom would always say "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never harm you," Hog wash, words hurt so much! I'm sorry you're being treated this way by those you love.

 From now on send your grandson a card and a little money for his birthday.  In the card, tell him you would like to talk to him and could he call you.  That way, your daughter gets the hint that you are not going to put up with her ****  As for your son: don't call him again.  If that is how he sees you, then you need to cut that connection. Only call him when you want to talk to him or invite him over for dinner.  If he doesn't want to help his mother, you shouldn't expect it from him.  There comes a time when children see their parents as burdens.  In order to prevent that, change your relationship from needing him to vising with him.   If you cannot get your DVD to work, call the help desk for that company and let them teach you.  You family is seeing you as passively agressively trying to manipulate them.  In order to change their image, you need to stop.  Plus, if your kids are like mine, as soon as you stop calling, they wiill drive you nuts calling you.  

Hugs Trish and it sounds like you need some positive energy so the force be with you.
Also time to rethink how your dealing with your family.
At age 84 mom helping you needs to come to an end. She is at the end-stage of her life and her attitude is totally normal. Yep, kids should be calling on her and checking on her. That's how the elderly think and by elderly I mean people over 80.
We are the youngsters when it comes to thinking about the elderly.
It really is us that they depend on...not the other way around.
As for your children, they should be checking on you...see "the circle of life" here?

You go and vent it's good for the soul.

Now for you missing meetings because you fall asleep...you are worth it Trish to go to your meetings. No excuses, just do it like exercise.

You are not alone and please don't feel useless. If you are afraid you will oversleep and you job is in jeopardy...buy a couple of cheap alarm clocks and set them away from your bed so you have to get up to turn them off.
When you feel lonely again be pro-active. Call your friends, if you feel like you don't have any friends come on...the world is out there for you. Make friends at your meetings. If you are depressed, go to the doctor and discuss what can help you to make it through the "blue period". Like you my father died of a massive heart attack at age 52. Mom died at age 59. I'm 55 and count my blessings every day. Sometimes looking on the brighter side of life is hard but we can do it. We can count on ourselves to make each day count.

So today Trish I want you to sit down, take 6 deep breaths and relax.
I want you to write down on a piece of paper 3 good things you are grateful for today, 3 things that make you special, 3 things you are passionate about. Then take that list and tape it somewhere you can see, to reflect on. Sending you great big hugs Trish, hang in there you are not alone. Debbie

Thanks Debbie,
I totally get that 85 year old Moms might want to be the recipients of the calls.  Unfortunately, Mom has had the attitude that she should not have to call her kids or grandkids my entire life, and I moved out at 18. 

It is possible I need to talk to my psychiatrist about changing my antidepressant, or something.  This may be chemical as well as stinking thinking.

Thanks,
Hugs,
Trish

Oh Trish you don't have stinking thinking! LOL
But talking to your psychiatrist will help and changing your meds will too. Our bodies are constantly changing along with our hormones so isn't it nice to know your normal! Hugs Debbie