Thinking. . . Feelings as Relates to Food Post

Mag,

That is what this is, sort of an open-ended journal where we can share with one another the things that are deeper in meaning to us.  Many of us developed a lifetime habit of covering up what we felt via food and/or other addictive behaviors, I know for me, food was my first addiction, there were others later in life, some of which were developed in order to get "thin" as I thought in my younger years, that getting thin would be the end all of my dis-ease within myself.  Of course, as I matured and also recovered from other addictive behaviors I recognized that was not going to solve anything.  But food was/is a companion of sorts, comfort, friend, nemsis, but necessity to living and I am still trying to develop healthier mechanisms for living life. . .

We are glad to have you and as you progress on this journey you will find so much rewarding aspects of living life without the excess weight, but the issues remain the same.

L

Dear Laureen!

You are so courageous to start this. I know that i AM so very disappointed with myself..and angry..and feeling ashamed and guilty...I have felt like a failure for so long.  We have had an extremely stressful year due to some legal issues with "the town'...too much to get into here but suffice to say that we have the support of the Mayir and council but the bylaws officer is a bully aqnd is doing huis best to "show his authroity" and ignoire commonsense flexibility for non-urban properties..trying to force our farm to conform to urban bylaws.  Add to that, three family deaths at Christmas, then having to have Katie put down and week later, then watching Mom struggle, at 91 yrs old, with the Norwalk Virus a week later...and dealing with her seeming to starve from not eating/drinking due to a supposed mass in her pelvis and her aspirating liquids into her lungs when she drinks.  Because of this, my son and his business has lost alot of money, is now on antidepressants, has four broken molars due to stress teeth grinding, and had to cut his second job hours in half.  JB has been doing his best to help Derek and he is angry saying that we  as property owners seem to have NO rights anymore.  And so we all are badly stressed. Add to that, more issues raised their ugly head on me and I reverted back to my old habits...and now the shame makes me feel so much a failure. 

Bordom has never been a problem for me..in fact, quite the opposite...too busy.  Yes, I love what I do but it also means I pay a price.

On holidays, right now Im eating seafood instead of extra carbs...that's one reason why I chose to go south for a vacation instead of attending that huge family weekend party where food is VERY much a focal point....I can ignore any store bought food but not homemade...so Im avoiding it.

And I was considering meeting Carla and Monica at Naples but my shame is holding me back...I feel so fat and ugly again...like I used to before surgery.  I hurt physically..ache and throb...my legs are back to hurting something awfulbut they didnt keep me from eating those darned hushpuppies last night so off I go to bed last night, hating how I look and feel. I know I am sabotaguing myself but everytime, I start again, I screw up.

Well, tomorrow I start again..I won't quit starting over....eventually I WILL win!!

Nancy B

Nancy,

Our guilt and shame is a part of the reason for this post, there are among us those who are coming out slowly to admit their "defeat" within the struggles we face daily and in admitting that we still struggle, it is my belief, the bonding we have here can give us strength.  It is a part of the reason I still come here, to gain insight and to have a hope that I can be successful, even within regain. 

That regain is not unusual, look at Al Roker, he regained and lost again, so people like that in the public eye show me I can do it, but I choose to do what I need with all of you, people, some of which I've had the privilege of meeting personally and getting to know, others who after almost 4 years of being a part of this forum, I feel like I know well, yet realizing that in bits and pieces we all share the same issues and are not talking about it, so what I hope is that we can talk about it and by doing so meet the challenges with strength in numbers, or just finding peace within ourselves to recognize that no matter what, WE ARE NOT FAILURES, we are human beings doing the best we can, living in stressful times and drawing off of one another.

We can restart our lives on a moments notice, don't have to wait for tomorrow, we can do it right here, right now and if we fall, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward. . .  That is who we all are on here. . .  so many courageous people here.

You are a WINNER!

Kudo's Laureen and I think blogging about our eating struggles is great.

I will always reach for food for comfort but now I have a handle on eat. I struggle, always will and that is not going away. Sometimes when life hits me hard like when I lost my ex MIL on March 15th and was told the next day by my ex BFF who still wants to be my friend by the way...damn...all I wanted was chips and chocolate. But I knew I couldn't fill this void I had in my heart with food...not this time anyway and I did pretty good. All in all I term that incident a success.

It also helped when I told ex BFF to not contact me anymore because she is friends with my ex hubby. I was told not to go to the visitation and funeral. Nice huh??? Oh well, funerals are for the living and not the dead and my ex MIL knew I loved her.

So that painful chapter in my life is closed. Some friends are forever and some not and I have finally come to my senses that she is not a friend, very very very painful. She has no influence on me anymore, she strung me along for 5 years because of my ex MIL. Now I feel the world is lifted off my shoulders. Know what, even my tummy pain has been decreased.
I wanted to eat, eat and eat some more when all this was happening to me. I didn't.
But hell yeah...I'm going to always want food when I'm stressed and being stressed comes along frequently in all our lives.

We can stay strong and just keep trying, doing the best we can. I will never give up. I will never be over 300 pounds again. But I did have weight gain and I'm taking it off slowly. Not dieting, eating what I like and less of it. Even if I don't exercise I can still lose the weight. Just less calories.

Debbie,

I remember your BFF story and it takes courage to take a stand, I have one of those "old" friends and more recently, while I won't write her off, I recognized that she and I have changed so much that the friendship is not what it once meant to me and so I no longer am trying to force it to be what it was and that is freedom for me, because I made the choice without trying to make it work, I came to accept what is.  Freedom for me in a big way because I am one of those people, who when I let go, there are usually scratches from how hard I tried to hold onto someone. . .  not anymore. . .

I don't think in NEVERs, I think in day at a time, because I NEVER thought I'd be 250+ pounds and there I was 4 years ago.  I pray that so long as I continue to be in the present, to do the best I can on any given day, to start over as soon as I am aware of something that strikes me as not in my best interest, that is success on any given day.  Unconscious behaviors, which equates to old patterns, is my enemy and I can be awake, yet unconscious daily. . .  that is why I thought this post might be beneficial, I read and know that we are not unique and just by what has been expressed here in the last two days, shows me that there are a lot of us hiding from the feelings of what regain represents to us.

Thanks for your support. . .

I just love you Laureen!
Letting go of my ex BFF was so hard for me but really I have changed, we have nothing in common and all she brings me is depression. I feel bad because she is not well but there is nothing I can do about it. Letting go has been good for me on saying goodbye to this friendship.

You have a great weekend. Let's all keep posting our feelings with food, support and how we get through it.
We are all different and what works for one might not work for someone else but our goals are all the same...excellent health and giving each other support.
I'll always keep an open mind and you can always learn from others. Hugs Debbie