Reflection. . .

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
--Bill Cosby

"Oh, how I wish my dad would get sober." "Oh, how I want my friend to get help with her eating problem." "Oh, how I wish I could make my mom understand."

When we become obsessed with how we want others to change, we put our own happiness on hold. As we wait, hoping and scheming about how to get others to see their many problems, we are neglecting ourselves. It's almost as if we think it's not fair for us to be happy when others are miserable. But when we detach with love, we still care, we still pray and wish for the best, but we know that other people's problems belong to them, not to us.

Today let me accept the fact that if I detach with love, no one will die from it. I'll just be more healthy and happy. 

Amen Laureen!

On my immediate family I had to detach with love...took me awhile to get rid of the guilt but for me I had to do this for my own health and well being. Being more healthy and happy is what it is all about. I can't change my family but I still love them. Christmas time is hard for me because I did totally detach...why be around so much drama and watch all of them get drunk and mouthy? God understands me.

So food was my drug of choice, alcohol was chosen by the rest of the family. Now, I'm watching my nieces/nephews following in their parents footsteps. It's not fun watching the babies grow up drinking. Drama...I hate drama!

I love your posts Laureen. I reflect on them because of what you post it points right to my heart. My dad was an alcoholic but recovered and lived in a mission, he turned his life over to God. He lived in San Diego and I never saw him again after age 13. I was his girl. Thank goodness towards the end of his life we talked on the phone and I was able to say I love you to him. Dad died at age 52 from a massive heart attack. Dad was a counselor at this mission. He turned his life around. I was proud of him. I'm not much of a drinker because I believe I have those alcoholic genes in my makeup. Instead I have "fat genes" but I have a tool now! Hugs Debbie

Thanks Debbie for sharing your thoughts and experiences. . .  I think that while these posts often point to 12 step recovery, they are thought provoking and as you stated, we have our own brand of addiction, though for me, I also has the distinct honor of being a full blown alcoholic/addict, even as there was no one in my family that was one.  However, my mother was, what I refer to as a rageaholic, because she used anger to motivate her and subsequently, I learned to try my hardest to people please, really hoping to please her, which never worked well, which is why, as I discussed recently, is how I have always had such a hard time people pleasing, because more often than not, there was no pleasing anyone, I believe in part, because when we are people pleasing we are not being authentic and so no one truly likes that, whether they realize it on a cognitive level or not. . .  anyway, I have learned and it is not that it is easy to do at times, that I am in charge of making myself happy and therefore I need to be proactive about such things, including distancing myself from situations that make me uncomfortable or unhappy, as well as making/taking the time I need despite what others may think of it. . .

Laureen I think you are wonderful and a very honest person.
It's so true that we are in charge of our own happiness.
I'm just a natural "people pleaser", it's just ingrained into my very soul.
I won't be stepped on or treated mean because on top of everything else in my life I had a "wicked stepfather". I tried to please that man and to make him love me. Oops...that never happened. Hey with therapy and lots of it, I got to the root of my problem.

Yep, food was and always will be my drug of choice. Does it make me feel better when I eat? I won't lie...sometimes yes but mostly no.

So this Christmas I will practice Mindful Eating, take each day/minute/hour and try not to reach for the sweets but if I do, it's okay and I won't beat myself up.

Keep posting Laureen, I can and do change some things in regards to the 12 steps just for me.

Thank you Laureen....another great post....keep them coming!!

Hugs....connie d

Laureen,

Just read your post and got what I needed today.  I have slowly been rebuilding my shattered relationship with my daughter, now 23, and last night we had an encounter that I can't stop thinking about--in fact, my mind has been racing and racing.  After I read your post, I realized that I was obsessing over what I felt my daughter should do, how she should act, how bad her attitude is.  I need to let go and let her higher power take care of Stephanie and ask my h.p. for help in taking care of myself.

Thank you for putting those words out there so I could read them at just the right time!

Judy G. from Waltham, MA

p.s.  I have relatives in Manalapan, NJ.  Is that anywhere near you?

Hey Judy,

Glad this post gave  you what you needed. . .  as for your relatives, not quite sure where Manalapan is, I know I've passed it, but I think it is closer to the shore side of the state.  But if you ever make a trip down, generally, unless you are going way north, I am not far away. . .

Take care and enjoy your holiday. . .

Laureen

Laureen,

Thanks for your reply.  Still kind of shaky about letting go and letting H.P. be in control.  This week it seems to be about everyone else at work is getting gifts and I'm not getting any!  It's making me crazy.  I am setting myself up to binge, and I can't do that any more.  Called AA and found a meeting tonight I can go to.

I found Maple Shade on the map.  You're near Philly.  My relatives live north and east, as you correctly said, closer to the ocean--near Freehold.  But I have friends in the Philly area, so maybe one fine day we can get together.  Maybe you can even tell me about OH meetings in your area.  

Glad you are here to reach out to, as I am really wallowing in some stinkin thinkin today, and it feels good just to know that I am reaching out for help.  

Have a wonderful day and an enjoyable holiday.

Judy G.   

Judy,

Funny thing about this time of year, it can be very hard on those of us with "sensitivities". . . 

Last year I found myself feeling out of tune at the holiday season, I was a new "kid on the block" at work and just felt outside looking in and the reality was, it was more about my feelings than the reality, however, feelings can become our reality if we choose to live inside of them.  This is something I've learned over time and while I am not always dead on within this, I try to stave it off, by lowering my expectations and treating others the way I want to be treated, i.e., giving a token gift to someone who might have a special meaning in my life, instead of expecting to recieve, I've actually gotten better with that, not perfect, but better. . .  Ultimately, it is up to us to make ourselves happy and feeling the joy that life can bring.

Glad you are tapping into resources that work for you, via AA and whatever else you can to help get you through this slippery season.

Thanks for your kind wishes, I wish you the best the season has to offer and may the spirit of peace find you feeling thusly.

Laureen

Laureen,

Just a brief greeting and tip o' the hat for your supportive words.  I am feeling much better now; made it through Xmas and the day after [my birthday and also a blizzard here--you probably had that, too].  Yesterday I received 5 birthday cards from family and friends--obviously delayed by Xmas on Saturday plus the bad weather. 

I am grateful to my h.p. and to people like you who offer me the resources to keep the focus where it should be and to help me realize that it is in my power to decide whether it will be a good day or not.  It really does come from within, whether outside cir****tances are fabulous or completely crappy. 

Thanks again and have a peaceful and blessed new year. 

Judy