Reflection on People Pleasing
Should everybody like me?
When people say they are people-pleasers, they're acknowledging that it's a problem.
It's a problem because it reflects a desire to have everybody's acceptance and approval - to be universally liked. But from what we know about human relationships, this is not possible. No matter how hard we work to be pleasant and likeable, some people may still detest us for reasons we cannot understand. When that happens, we should not blame ourselves or step up our efforts to win them over. Our best course is to be cordial to them and to avoid giving offense in any way.
If our own behavior is mature and reasonable, even the people who don't like us will at least respect us. That may be the best we can hope for, and it is certainly far better than shameless people pleasing. In the end, people-pleasers don't please anybody and, as a famous comedian notes about himself, they "get no respect."
I'll try hard to be pleasant and cordial to everyone I meet today. If some people do not respond in the same way, I'll accept this without feeling hurt or betrayed.
When people say they are people-pleasers, they're acknowledging that it's a problem.
It's a problem because it reflects a desire to have everybody's acceptance and approval - to be universally liked. But from what we know about human relationships, this is not possible. No matter how hard we work to be pleasant and likeable, some people may still detest us for reasons we cannot understand. When that happens, we should not blame ourselves or step up our efforts to win them over. Our best course is to be cordial to them and to avoid giving offense in any way.
If our own behavior is mature and reasonable, even the people who don't like us will at least respect us. That may be the best we can hope for, and it is certainly far better than shameless people pleasing. In the end, people-pleasers don't please anybody and, as a famous comedian notes about himself, they "get no respect."
I'll try hard to be pleasant and cordial to everyone I meet today. If some people do not respond in the same way, I'll accept this without feeling hurt or betrayed.
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
this reflection is something that takes a long time to come to terms with.....once a person can truly admit it(to themselves not just to the world!!!!!!!!) ; life does get better!!!!!! 
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White
Boy, there's a lot of baggage to bring up with this one.... and I don't think I'm ready to do it today. Crap, I hate therapy..:)
Anybody think I've got this issue?...:)
Funny thing, tho. I so truly love people... and as "Louise" will tell you... just focus on something you like about a person and you can like anybody. I just look at their nose. But aren't people wonderful? I'm not sure of the count now, but I think I've met at least 30 of my OFF Sistahs... and there is something wonderful about every one of them... so with that being said, if you are EVER asked or there is a gathering, you MUST go. The bonding you will have for the rest of your life is unbelievable.
And speaking of liking... these size 12 jeans are too tight and I'm NOT liking them.
Janet
Anybody think I've got this issue?...:)
Funny thing, tho. I so truly love people... and as "Louise" will tell you... just focus on something you like about a person and you can like anybody. I just look at their nose. But aren't people wonderful? I'm not sure of the count now, but I think I've met at least 30 of my OFF Sistahs... and there is something wonderful about every one of them... so with that being said, if you are EVER asked or there is a gathering, you MUST go. The bonding you will have for the rest of your life is unbelievable.
And speaking of liking... these size 12 jeans are too tight and I'm NOT liking them.
Janet
I hear yah, my size 12s are tight these days too, but I've gone back to eating right, now I just need to get back to the gym. . .
And yes, I second that about looking for something good in a person, as well as attending a gathering should you have an opportunity to do so. . . I have had the pleasure of meeting you and many others from this board and what a wonderful experience it has been and I look forward to another one, hopefully, in the not too distant future. . .
Hugs, Laureen
And yes, I second that about looking for something good in a person, as well as attending a gathering should you have an opportunity to do so. . . I have had the pleasure of meeting you and many others from this board and what a wonderful experience it has been and I look forward to another one, hopefully, in the not too distant future. . .
Hugs, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
I agree Laureen, and on another note we need to reach out to the "unlovable". It very easy to like the the ones who are lovable and kind and on the other hand very hard to love and accept the "unlovable"...whole way of thinking and accepting of people. The concept of being a people pleaser shouldn't be a negative...but a positive with acceptance of everyone as a whole.People Pleasers...okay I'm a people pleaser because it's my line of work. That's the business I'm in....making people feel good about themselves and outreach. Volunteering and feel needed and wanted....but not being taken advantage of. That's important. Nope, I don't expect everyone to like me and really in the end it's the people that really know me, it's important on the respect side. For people that I work with that don't respect me it doesn't matter because in the end they don't really know me or who I am. Respect from them or the negative people I come in contact with? Doesn't matter because I don't need nor want their negativity in my lifestyle.
Excellent post Laureen! Good food for thought for certain types of "People Pleasures"! Debbie
Debbie,
I have been a people pleaser all of my life, but more so because I try to treat others as I want to be treated, I truly do that, sometimes, however, current cir****tances included, I have learned the difference between wanting someone to like me and, the more important, respect of my fellows. I much prefer respect over being liked these days, though I can readily admit to wanting people to like me too! However, reality is everyone won't and sometimes you have to cut loose that which would suffocate and bring you down. . . I avoid negativity at all costs. . .
I have been a people pleaser all of my life, but more so because I try to treat others as I want to be treated, I truly do that, sometimes, however, current cir****tances included, I have learned the difference between wanting someone to like me and, the more important, respect of my fellows. I much prefer respect over being liked these days, though I can readily admit to wanting people to like me too! However, reality is everyone won't and sometimes you have to cut loose that which would suffocate and bring you down. . . I avoid negativity at all costs. . .
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
I really like this post. I am not a people pleaser and I nevr was. I am a very honest and open person I have no secrest and nothing to hide my life is an open book. You can ask me anything about myself and I will tell u honestly.
Some people like me for my honesty and others dont. My favorite line is if you cant accept the truthful answe then dont ask me the question for example if u ask me how your outfit looks I will tell you in a nice way and just because it fits it doesnt mean you shoud wear it LOL.
The hardest ? is when u see an ugly baby and dont tell me all babies r cute cause they r not. Then I just say oh she is so sweet as to not hurt the person feelings
I will never try to make someone like me. TAKE ME AS I AM , or dont take me at all. I am what I am. I am not fake. I really dont like people that r nice to my face then talk about me behind my back. If I talk about u behind your back, I will say hello when I see you cauyse I am not ignorant but I will not hold a conversation with you, with me you know where you stand
Susan
Some people like me for my honesty and others dont. My favorite line is if you cant accept the truthful answe then dont ask me the question for example if u ask me how your outfit looks I will tell you in a nice way and just because it fits it doesnt mean you shoud wear it LOL.
The hardest ? is when u see an ugly baby and dont tell me all babies r cute cause they r not. Then I just say oh she is so sweet as to not hurt the person feelings
I will never try to make someone like me. TAKE ME AS I AM , or dont take me at all. I am what I am. I am not fake. I really dont like people that r nice to my face then talk about me behind my back. If I talk about u behind your back, I will say hello when I see you cauyse I am not ignorant but I will not hold a conversation with you, with me you know where you stand
Susan
Wow Laureen... this one is really great! I am a people-pleaser to a degree I guess... but I definitely have boundaries now. I am SO not perfect, but when I goof and say something stupid (OH LORD- you know how THAT goes), I do expect to still be treated with respect after I fall on the floor and grovel my apologies. There is this one woman in my TOPS group. The first week after I broke my vertabrae I struggled into TOPS and was on drugs for pain. She sat next to me - she is one of those "hard to like" people. She is SO self-centered, talks a mile a minute but never listens. We had an activity where you compliment the woman next to you- I had her. I swear, she's one of those that are hard to like, but I've always been very kind to her. My compliment came out- I'm drugged and miserable and say "Donna is a very kind person- she has a temper (so true), BUT she get's over being angry quickly (a white lie- I was trying to repair my damage on the fly)". She turned purple- was SO mad at me for saying that... sputtered that she DOES NOT get angry. I was lost- too drugged to figure my way out of the perdicament. No amount of "I'm sorry." would work. I screwed up. SO...long story short... she quit TOPS (for the third time this year) and went around telling everyone that would listen how mean I was and that I was a horrible person. I am not mean at all- I made a mistake but she won't let it go no matter what. She was at the funeral on Wednesday and did not shut up through the whole service. She did not care about Barbara- as I cried, she chatted...I'm not letting go of my anger too well either, am I? Long story short (sort of), I don't like being disrespected, even when the mistake was mine. I'm human and make mistakes, but it doesn't make me a mean person. Luckily no one else I know would ever say that about me-
Anyway- see how it hit a chord? I am not really a people-pleaser anymore- not like before. I love people for the most part, but I love myself too. There is a see-saw motion that occurs when I'm trying to balance my needs with another person's needs, and sometimes I win out!
Anyway- see how it hit a chord? I am not really a people-pleaser anymore- not like before. I love people for the most part, but I love myself too. There is a see-saw motion that occurs when I'm trying to balance my needs with another person's needs, and sometimes I win out!
Julia,
I've heard it said and today, most of the time, I can handle this concept. . . It's none of my business what other people think about me"
I spent a lot of my life feeling one of two ways, either I felt like a defective human being or I tried to promote the idea that I was a good person, bending over backwards to make sure everyone got what they wanted from me, very often at the cost of myself, and I believed that people should be able to see what a wonderful person I was, how self sacraficing and noble and kind and yaddy, yaddy, yah and so when I expended all that energy, the core belief that I was not enough emerged and in the process I was deeply wounded and went back to feeling defective and so it went round and round.
Self-centeredness is at the core of addictive personalities and I was that for sure.
There have been times in recent history, where I have heard utterances of "you can be selfish" or earlier this week, I was accused of being "mean". When those situations were presented, I took stock, looked at myself, checked with someone, whose opinion I truly value and realized that being honest with people does not always win you the respect you think it should, but so long as you treat them with respect while asking for what you need and want, allow for the fact that you may not get it and be willing to get it yourself or do what you need to do to accomplish the outcome, than that is valuing yourself. I've realized if I don't put myself first, in the right ways, than I wind up the "victim" or the "martyr" and neither of those roles suit who I am today.
What my years of working through things in 12 Step Recovery, is given me the ability not to spend all of my energies on others, but to focus on becoming what I think of as a good person. Learning to nuture and respect myself was the key to truly experiencing selfworth, love and that the ability to have healthy boundaries, which is not to say I don't suffer from the pangs of my former self, but that self awareness has truly freed me from having to tolerate less than I deserve and that is true freedom. Wish I had learned that lesson earlier in life, but it took what it took to get here.
I've heard it said and today, most of the time, I can handle this concept. . . It's none of my business what other people think about me"
I spent a lot of my life feeling one of two ways, either I felt like a defective human being or I tried to promote the idea that I was a good person, bending over backwards to make sure everyone got what they wanted from me, very often at the cost of myself, and I believed that people should be able to see what a wonderful person I was, how self sacraficing and noble and kind and yaddy, yaddy, yah and so when I expended all that energy, the core belief that I was not enough emerged and in the process I was deeply wounded and went back to feeling defective and so it went round and round.
Self-centeredness is at the core of addictive personalities and I was that for sure.
There have been times in recent history, where I have heard utterances of "you can be selfish" or earlier this week, I was accused of being "mean". When those situations were presented, I took stock, looked at myself, checked with someone, whose opinion I truly value and realized that being honest with people does not always win you the respect you think it should, but so long as you treat them with respect while asking for what you need and want, allow for the fact that you may not get it and be willing to get it yourself or do what you need to do to accomplish the outcome, than that is valuing yourself. I've realized if I don't put myself first, in the right ways, than I wind up the "victim" or the "martyr" and neither of those roles suit who I am today.
What my years of working through things in 12 Step Recovery, is given me the ability not to spend all of my energies on others, but to focus on becoming what I think of as a good person. Learning to nuture and respect myself was the key to truly experiencing selfworth, love and that the ability to have healthy boundaries, which is not to say I don't suffer from the pangs of my former self, but that self awareness has truly freed me from having to tolerate less than I deserve and that is true freedom. Wish I had learned that lesson earlier in life, but it took what it took to get here.
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
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