Having Boundaries
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities.
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Annette 
Laureen, I read your post first thing this morning. I've thought about this very deep and thought provoking post all day.
Owning just want we are owner of, boy, I've always had a problem with that concept.
Having another person understand the whys and howcome's of what you really ment.
Telling another person the things that have hurt , trying to have another person believe ( Your ) truth as you know it , live it , feel it, man!
Being owner of this property has reduced the size of my family. I've been trying to (Fix) this stuff for some time, don't have any answer's yet.
Your confused sister in Red
AND ALL OUR HERO'S
"Having another person understand the whys and howcome's of what you really ment."
i am finding ---for myself---(and this was and is hard for me)-that i don't NEED to explain or defend my actions or thoughts and feelings to anyone-so long as i am willing to own them....once i stopped defending them they are so much easier to own also! if they are strong enough for me to feel and believe and bring me peace by owning them then i stop defending...jmho---
hope this made sense...
hugs to you confused sister!!!!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White
what a timely post for one who is (daily/hourly) redfining her own property lines!!!!
so many of our generation were brought up thinking that we should act a certain way or that mothers/sisters/daughters should "feel " or "do"certain things.....it is so empowering to actually be able to sit with oneself and define the lines; define the ownership...and, like peg in red ; sometimes it's not easy!
love ya for these wonderful threads and so glad to be in a place that i am finally owning me!!!!(or at least working hard toward burning the mortgage!!!)
one day at a time.................
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White
