**Warning LONG!:My little engine got sidetracked part of 2010. . . .

I love the children's book THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD. Great lessons in perseverence (sp?) for us all. Sometimes I am like that little engine just chug, chug, chugging along, staying on my rails, making slow but steady progress. Other times, like for a few months of 2010, I got on to a sidetrack and got lost for a bit. If I'm not moving forward I don't seem to sit still for long. I start to slide back down the hill. And that is what happened.

I let life get in the way of my exercising and eating plan. I chose to not follow the pouch rules especially the one that says "Thou shalt not drink with meals or too closely before or after meals." I've always been a "me do it" kind of girl. Have to learn for myself, often the hard way. Can't believe what someone says until I experience it for myself. Sometimes this is like sticking my finger on a hot burner. Have to feel the pain before I can do what needs to be done.

So about a month ago I was feeling the pain. The scale was creeping in the wrong direction, I had cut back on my exercising, and feelings of self loathing were starting to creep back into my mind. It starts out physically, but quickly follows with a much poorer mental well being when I am not doing what I need to do to take care of me.

So I did the 5 day pouch test not to lose weight but to get the carbs (once again!) out of my life. I'm talking refined carbs here not the healthy kind. That done I felt more in control (like I ever really am, but I fool myself into thinking I am!). I'm doing my best to not drink too closely to meals and not putting that little 3 oz glass of nice cold milk on the table. Had myself convinced that that was a GOOD thing as Martha says. It is good just not at that particular time!

Had my physical and labwork completed. Actually had to redo labs because of the nasty infection that I did not know I had at the time I had the labwork done. Remember my hemorroid? (Which it wasn't!)

Anyway some good stuff from the labwork. I have been diligent about my supplements. I increased my D3-5 intake and started using Calcium Crystals in addition to my calcium citrate tablets. For those of you new to this journey, I fought the "big tablet" thing for a couple of years. Wasted tons of money on liquid calcium, (chalky!), chewable tablets (chalkier!), Viactiv (wrong kind of calcium!)

My labs show my B12 in a good range. My vitamin D is better but I've increased that as the end of the summer when I had my labs done would be my "optimum level" and I want it higher. Did you know if our D isn't high enough we don't ABSORB the calcium we are taking as well?

My calcium level had climbed from 43 to 59 which I think is significant for a one year change.

I'm almost 6 years post op. This has been such a trial and error, individual journey. I've kept working at it, tweeking things until I figured out what works for me.

I take the calcium crystals in a protein shake in the morning and then calcium citrate by cabsule in the evening. When I travel I take the pills as there is something about "little white packets" in my luggage that makes me nervous.

Seeing the lab results confirms that I'm on the right track. Not sure why I am posting all of this. Just part of my continuing, lifetime journey on this mostly wonderful road.

Six years ago I was one miserable lady. I weighed 377 lbs, my mental, phyiscial, and emotional health were all in the sewer. Life is so much better today. Still a long ways from my personal goal which is a healthy  170. That sounds like a lot for someone just 5'3". But from the 377 I started at it is much, much better. I'm currently 215. Honesty here. My lowest after my lower body lift was  185. In the past month I've returned to where I was one year ago. I hope to continue this slow, downward weight loss. At this point "just" a pound or two a month will keep me going in the right direction and well get me there in time.  Most important is to keep doing what I am supposed to do, keep my little engine pointed in the right direction and MOVING! forward, not standing still or sliding down the track. That pouch rule about not eating with meals really DOES work. I get full faster and stay full longer. AND wasn't that the point of this surgery. To get full, stay full, not live to eat but eat to live?????

 Thanks for reading if you managed to stay with me. I appreciate each and everyone of you more than you know. Your comments, suggestions, personal experiences help me to understand what is going on in my head. Have a great day everyone!

Hi Karen,
I got through it. LOL.  I'm always amazed when I read others "stories" how much we are all "cut from the same cloth".  There is me in every piece of your story.  Thanks for the encouragement.
I'm always having a running conversation in my head (thank goodness it's in my head or the men in the white coats would have taken me away by now) about controlling my eating, following the rules.  My problem is that I can't always keep my level of control up.  It's exhausting isn't it?
But I don't want to go backwards so I try to fight the fight everyday.  My little engine is trying to not slide backwards.
Thanks and hugs,
Bev

Karen...oh if they could only fix our heads!!!

You are not alone by any means. I struggle constantly. The more stressed I get the more I graze...it is a vicious circle for sure!

All those newbies that think getting approval is the hard part don't know much about maintenance...it sucks!!

I admire how strong and honest you are. You inspire me in so many ways.

Keep fighting the fight...walking the walk!!

Hugs and love....connie d

Karen,
I'm a newbie going through the approval process.  I usually just do a lot of reading here rather than posting, but you have inspired me.  As one of the other posters mentioned, there is a little of me throughout your writing.  I am beginning to see this more and more.  We are all the same and yet different.  I am so grateful that we are at a point in our lives that we can be honest with ourselves and with each other.  Thank you for being an inspiration....... blessings to you!!!!!!

Kim

Hi Kim!

 Don't be a stranger. I starting hanging out here about a year before I actually had surgery. I think spending the time reading, posting, reading profiles, gazing longingly at before and after pages, listening to others who had gone before me. . . all of this helped me to be as prepared as I could be when my big day finally arrived.

I would like to encourage you to start a profile. I haven't been good about updating mine the past couple of years, but I still go back and read the first couple of years. It reminds me of how far I have come and gives me the courage to continue on. You can keep it as private as you want.

By the time I decided to have surgery I knew it was the right decision for me so it wasn't a secret kept. I didn't care what anyone else thought. I knew I was killing myself "softly" as the song goes and I wanted to live.

Yes, Karen, the battle is ongoing, the easy part was jumping on that gurney and saying ok, do your magic. . .  problem was the magic was not magic at all, but hard work, which to just maintain takes hard work. . .  sheesh and I thought somehow I would be different. . . 

We are all here to keep one another motivated, because this journey is not for sissies or people looking for the easy way out, it's about owning up to the idea that without some exertion on our part, we can and do backslide.  That Karen is also human nature, as we weary often enough of the burdens of doing and sometimes need a rest, but it's about not staying on the sidelines long enough to get so far off track that we start punishing ourselves and feeling like failures and begin the old "f it" part, whereby I so often just threw up my hands and would say, well "at least I'll die fat and happy". . .   that was so far from the truth, but it was easier to lie to myself than change.  Now I have a tool (the pouch) and an arsenal in you and the many others on this site, as well as my support group, to help reignite me when I need it.

Thanks for sharing yourself honestly, because that is, in my humble opinion, one of the keys to ongoing success here in our world. . .

Love, Laureen

Karen:

You and I are in the same year, more or less ... I'm 6 years out. I have always been diligent about taking my supplements. Somehow I am always low on something or other when I get my checkup: the past two years, it's been protein, although I think I'm getting plenty. This year, they changed my calcium/vitamin routine (and they still want me to take chewable vitamins, which I hate). But I did up the calcium ... six pills a day, plus three magnesium citrate, plus 2,000 IEU of Vitamin D, plus 1,000 of B12, plus two multivitamins, plus iron and Vit C. And yet, somehow, I still wind up short every year. Beats me how.

I have regained about 20 pounds and noticed some clothes not fitting, and this scares the hell out of me. The stress of this new job is getting to me more than I usually admit out loud. I really need to exercise more; my pain level is much higher now; my antidepressants are about to run out and I can't refill them because I don't have insurance and they will cost too much. I called my PCP in Michigan to see if he would prescribe something generic but he never called me back on that one (he did refill my other two prescriptions). I'm worried this wasn't a good move here; I want to work, but his job is much more demanding than my old one (and I didn't want to do sports five days a week).

Karen, you are a remarkable person and have done remarkably well. Celebrate your accomplishments.

Eileen, Hang in there. When does your insurance go into effect? I'd get appointments lined up ahead of time re: medications, psychiatrist/psychologist, pain management. Then you'll be ready to go when it kicks in. I know there are medication programs that can help people who are either low income or without insurance. Check with a pharmacy.

Eileen, you're getting there. Any new job just takes time. Sounds like you're giving them lots of bang for the buck so to speak. Give yourself time to really settle in. Perhaps the cooler weather will help. Please don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. This is being said by one who absolutely hates to do that, but sometimes we have to humble ourselves and admit that we can't handle it all.

As a matter of fact there should be a mental health contact in your area that provides free service. Call a hospital and see if they can put you in touch with one. If you have to say you're a drug addict backsliding (we kind of are aren't we?) that you don't have any insurance and you need help NOW not in 3 or 4 months when you have the coverage!

Take a deep breath, give your self a pat on the back for doing the best you can, try to relax, and be content with doing the best that  you can at this time. Take care, it will get better!