OT - Need parenting advice

Since this is an over 50 board I'm thinking there are a lot of parents out there - some of you may have gone through this.

My 19 year old son goes to college in another state. He is home on vacation, and yesterday we caught him and two friends smoking pot. On further questioning - he says he smokes pot 5 or 6 days a week. He said he's done this for two years now. I can't ground him. I'm not sure what to do to get through to him. We give him an allowance for college, and I may stop it or severely cut it down, because to me it seems like by giving him money I am the one paying for his pot. He has a food plan at college, so theoretically can survive without an allowance - room and board are paid for. Is there anything else I can do?

Hi,
First know it is not your fault. I have been there and done that on both of my girls. I ended up with the getting help for drug usage. One thing I can say is that with Him not being in your home and away at school you have 0 control in what he is doing away from home. The honor system is great if it can be followed. I would thing about lowering his spending money or even spiting it over the month so it is not all there at one time.

Also a very important part of this is to let him know you love him but not this behavior, and will not except this behavior in your home. For all actions there is a consequence. So you will not fund his drug usage.

I wish you the best.
Terri

I whole heartedly agree with Terry.  It is against the law.   Your money is helping him break the law.  I would give him such a minimum amount of money it would make his head spin.  Then explain why to him.  Also, let him know if he is EVER arrested for it, ALL money stops.  He can't get away with it forever.  Every time is one step closer to arrest.

Thanks for the replies. I told him I was cutting his allowance, and while he is home he is not allowed to use our cars anymore. The one thing I can't do is make him stop. I'm hoping to come up with some ammunition to show him that will make him think twice - but he pretty much made it clear that he has no intention of stopping. His grades are OK and he is on track for a good career after college, and I'm so afraid he will screw it all up. I told him nobody will hire him if he gets arrested and has a record - but like many 19 year olds - he thinks he's too smart to get caught (even though we caught him). This is breaking my heart and I can't think of anything to do to make him see what he is risking. Even when I pointed out a couple of friends of his who have been arrested, he says they were stupid and he won't get caught.

You know if he asked his friends that were busted they would say they thought that they would never get caught.
Until Pot is legal he is breaking the law. If you break the law and are caught you will end up like my son in law never able to do a lot of things because you were caught with drugs. My son in law lost even the right to vote. Which might not seem like much until you cant do it. My son in law has been clean for over 10 years and is now trying to get his rights back.

once again I wish you the best. My grandmother had a saying that when I was young made no sense to me. You can take the horse to water but you can not make him drink.....

Terri

My first thought when I saw your topic 'need parenting advice' was to say - don't become one.  But I goess it's too late for all of us.  We ARE parents.  And I loved ALMOST every minute of it.  I could tell you stories.

BUT...you are right, at 19 you can't forbid him to fry his brain.  The only thing you can do is withhold the money.  Everyone who does anything illegal thinks they are too smart to get caught.  Nobody is gonna go into a venture like that praying the cops will get them and they will spend lots of fun and glorious years in prison!  And since he is too smart to get caught, he is never gonna stop until he DOES get caught.  Then it will be someone elses fault that he got caught.

Luckily our kids all knew that if they did ANYTHING illegal and got caught their father's career in the Navy would be ended.  Meaning, no income, no house, no food for the entire family.  Even now, when they are grown and we are learning all the things they DID do as stupid teenagers, none of them have mentioned drug use.  Our son uses the same argument with HIS sons and I think it works with them as well.

I can only imagine how helpless you feel.  You love him and want to help him and be the best parent you can.  But you CAN'T do anything about this since he is of age.  Pray that he comes to his senses BEFORE he gets arrested.  Or, God forbid, hurts someone while he is driving high.

We are behind you.  Good luck in getting through to him.  I wonder what he'll tell his kids when they want to try pot?

Hi!

Don't you know all 19 year olds know everything?   My son got a DUI and pretty much ruined him.  Lost his job.  Has a record.  Had to go to AA meetings. Lost his license and Went to jail for twenty days. Had to spend a fortune on a lawyer.  He lost everything and he is 28.  Still he thinks he knows everything.  However, he learned his lesson.  Guess what?  I couldn't help him get out of the mess.  That is going to happen to your son if he isn't careful.  If he is caught with in your house, you can go to jail.  How can you prove whose pot it is?  Tell him that. 

I think cutting his allowance is a good idea.  Why support his habit.   If he has less money he has nothing to pay for his pot.  He needs to eat.   I would threaten more if you can.  If he is ever caught offer no support.  I did.

If he ever gets a felony on his record he is pretty much done. 

Sorry you have to go through this stress, but I think a lot of us have been there and done that.  Once they reach a certain age it is very hard to lay down the law.  You can only pray he see's the light.  Good luck.  Maybe the new year will be different.

Mary

Again, thank you all for your support. I am going to talk to him again today and bring up some of the points made here. I think I may be talking to a brick wall, but I'll keep trying.

I actually am probably in the minority....I don't think pot is such a bad thing.....I always much preferred it to alcohol....which is far more dangerous for you.

His only real danger is it can sometimes lead to trying other drugs....that are VERY dangerous.....but I think pot will be legalized some day....it is already legalized as Medical Marijuanna in 13 states already.

I smoked it when I was young....and I turned out okay and so did my friends....except one that turned to an alcoholic, but I don't think pot lead him to that.....and he died in his car one night on his way home from a bar ...very drunk from beer....ran his car into a tree thank God not another person.

I doubt if a policeman could tell if someone was smoking pot before they drove....unless they were also drinking. I always felt like pot cleared up everything for me....unlike wine or alcohol.

I am just telling you like it is......I think the best advice for you is to trust your son.....and tell him to be careful....there are lots of people that will like to trip him up....for various reasons. Let him know that you will be very sad if he gets in trouble......but it may affect his life and career.

Best of luck, Marti
ps. any one in my town caught with a small amount of marijuanna it is a misdameanor and they receive a ticket.

I suggest that you show him some tough love and STOP his allowance.  If you don't feel you should, then how about giving him something like a Visa gift card? That way he can't buy pot with it, but can buy other necessities, like toothpaste and such. 

Also, what I told my kids was that if they were ever arrested, don't expect me to bail them out of jail.  Happened with youngest son and a DUI.  He stayed in jail for 30 days, lost his job and school funding was stopped.  He learned his lesson that there are consequences for his actions, but now his life back on track.  He told us that he never thought we'd never "let" him flounder like that and we'd always be there to pick up the pieces.  Like others said, make sure he understands that you love him but some of the trust has been broken. 

I sure hope things work out for you.  Nineteen and away at college is time to spread wings, but IMHO, still with guidance from parents.