TMI

I am very depressed. It has been building for the last month and I think the upcoming holidays are making it worse.
I have problems like anyone else, but they are just getting to me. I am estranged from my parents. I have been for over a decade. I have called them twice in the past year but they do not want me in their lives even though my father is dying of cancer, and my mother has COPD. There are other siblings to assist them so they are OK, and to be honest they are so controlling I really do not want to be to involved. But I do feel rejected.
I am unemployed and that is not so bad, but my husband is refusing to get a job. He says he has to take care of me. It is true when I first had surgery I was very sick for about 4 months, but I am now going on interviews and he can find a job. He has a retirement income, but he is only 50 and all he does is smoke dope and sleep all afternoon. Then he has the nerve to complain that our SIL does not take care of our daughter because he has a low paying job and he should try to get a career.
Then my children live in California. They are both grown and are doing well, but I miss them. They are always asking me to move out there with them. I think they are crazy why would I move someplace so expensive when my income is fixed.?
I am having a difficult time with job interviews. I think it is my own self confidence, I have tons of experience and I am not applying for anything that I am not capable of doing, but the interviews are these panels of people and I just am not used to them. Like today it was a principal, a nurse and those two made sense, but then the school sports director and the social worker. I would have very limited interaction with them. I left out a thousand things that would have made me look better. I got nervous, that is so unusual for me. Why is it you only get one chance to make an impression?
Finally, I am on a fixed income. We can afford our basic bills, but not Christmas presents for the children or even each other. My daughter just graduated from college and I could not attend and I can not send her a gift. She is 28 and getting her through school was a challenge and she finally dug in and finished. I am so proud of her.
My husband is acting like and old man and I keep telling him we have a good twenty years before we have to act old.
I have been on him to change our insurance provider to one who includes the doctors where we live. I am not able to see a psychiatrist on the plan we have now because the other company has signed all the doctors. (Tricare stuff) but it has been a month and he is still dancing in circles and nothing has moved. When I was at Cleveland Clinic last they told me that I probably would not be able to absorb the antidepressant I am on because of the speed in which the pill passes the intestine. This is probably adding to the my problem.
And last by not least, I have not lost a pound in three weeks. I am eating foods that make me sick. Then I am sick all afternoon. I am more then sabotaging myself, I am causing myself pain and nausea. Food brings me no pleasure, and to top it all off I do not crave anything I am eating. I am just eating things I know once made me feel better. They don't make me feel better now and then I feel more depressed then when I started out.
I put this out there not because I want anyone to solve my problems, and I do not want anyone to pray or anything like that for me. I am not a god person. I think I just wanted to get it off my chest and see if that makes me feel better.
If you do not have anything constructive to say please do not respond.
One last thing, You would think that putting on a size 14 misses, not a womens for the first time in 2 decades would have lifted my spirits, but it didn't. I did look at myself, I conciously knew this was a good thing, but I did not feel happy.  I hope this passes with the hilidays.

I am sorry you are having problems. I too have been having difficulties this past and it has led to a weight gain after four years of keeping it off (yes, it's just 20 pounds, but I'm not very happy with myself because of it).

The job market is very difficult now, but especially for those of us in our 50s and 60s because they don't really care to hire the more experienced folks that come with higher pay expectations. I'm going through tough times at work now too because of upheaval. I still have a job, but who knows for how long?

As for the antidepressant, I know there are antidepressants that work better for us than others. Some are time released and those aren't recommended for bariatrics. See if you can find something that will help you. I recently got on a med and I must say I do feel better. My psychologist calls it a "don't give a damn" pill ... and it's about how I feel ... which is better than crying constantly and being overly emotional about everything.

As for eating the wrong foods, well, I'm doing that too, and that's caused my weight gain. I can't tell you why I'm doing it after five years of being good ... other than I'm feeling bad about my life. Maybe that's your problem, too.

As someone on here once said, they fixed our stomaches, not our heads ... we still have to work on the reasons we overeat. I go to a psychologist and have been seeing her since before my surgery. I realized a long time ago I couldn't manage without her. You sound like you need someone to talk to ... whether that's a professional or just a friend. If you need a friend, I'm here for you. I work nights and am home during the days. Send me a personal message with your phone number and I'll give you a call.

We all get blue with the holidays. We expect so much, because everyone says we should be jolly ... it doesn't always work that way (I work every holiday, so I know).

Hang in there ... remember, we're all here for you.

You were kind to reply, Thank you.

Sending you hugs and prayers.
You posted and asked for advice and I'm not going to hard on you, just sending you love and compassion. You are all ready being too hard on yourself and dang it, Holidays can be tough on us.

As for being disowned from your very own family. So am I. That's why I love and cherish my new family. I "adopted" several of my friends as my brothers/sisters and my "adopted" mom is dying. She will most likely go to heaven right after Christmas. Her family also has become my family.

You know we all want to be loved and accepted. Do you feel like an orphan? Your upset with your hubby and you have that right to be. So right now I"m validating your feelings. It's okay to have those feelings. Now YOU just have to decide what kind of marriage you are going to accept. What is right for YOU?

As far as interviewing, let me give you some pointers that interviewers and joint groups that interview together look for. Eye contact, being "real" and do your eyes light up and sparkle when you smile? Body language...keep your arms open, not crossed at your chest or tummy. They look for what you are passionate about. They are listening and watching you closely. They look at how you are dressed, so present yourself well by dressing professionally.
I don't know what type of work you are in so I can't direct you much further.

More and more companies do group interviews with the person they will hire. We can pick the cream of the crop so to speak. We want team players that will work well with others. We also want to maintain our employees so we are looking for commitment on their end.

Encourage your hubby to get a job, maybe he will lay off smoking dope. Accept that YOU are changing with your weight loss, your self esteem will pick up.

Also exercise, it will help with your weight loss and make your depression better. Go back to your doctor and get the right anti depressants for you. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Call your children to tell them that they are loved and appreciated but money issues are bad for you right now and can't afford presents. Send your daughter a letter and tell her how proud you are that she has graduated. Showing and telling people that they are loved means much more than presents. I absolutely cherish my time with my family and friends.

Take what ever advice you clicked with, throw the rest away.
Learn to love yourself today and be kind to yourself. PM me if you want to talk more.- Debbie

Thank you for taking the time to reply, you are very kind.

Hi!

I am on antidepressants too.  My doctor gave me Lamitcal.  She also gave me a card that pays for it for a year.  Ask your doctor about this.

I know the holidays can be depressing and you have a lot going on.  Sometimes we have to be selfish and take care of ourselves first.  If your husband doesn't change maybe give him an ultimatum.  Sometimes that straightens people up. 

As far as your family, I have been there too.  They have to learn to forgive, until they do there is nothing you can do.  It is them and not you.

As far as Christmas presents we are not able to afford much either.  My son just told me that it is important that we are healthy and all together.  He is 28.  My daughter and my son don't have great jobs either.  My husband took a less paying job, just to have one. I feel your pain.  It is not easy.  But you can make it up to them when times are good for you.

Depression can't be helped.  You need something.  Try asking your family doctor for the medication.  As far as it not being absorbed right I take a pill that melts on my tongue.  She said it is absorbed into my blood stream and not my stomach.

Try to focus on good things in your life, even though you don't see them now.  Health, without that we have nothing.  Take care of yourself first. 

I wish you a blessed holidays and I will pray things change for you.

I just started to go back to church.  Maybe that would be a positive for you.  You never know.  You can always talk to a priest or minister.  I don't know what religion you are.

Take care

Mary

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Have a great holiay.

I don't have any easy answers. Actually don't have any answers at all. I do know that when I write stuff down and then take a close look at it I usually find something there that helps to direct me in the way I need to go. Remember you don't have to do it all at one time to feel better. Pick one thing that you have some control over and take a step even if it's a little tiny baby step in a forward direction. You WILL feel better just for taking a step to help yourself.

Winter is tough on me. Short, dark days being inside way too much. I long for spring, but living in the NW corner of the country and it will be late February before I can believe that spring will come again.  Hang in there. So many things that you mentioned struck a cord of familiarity with me. Food was my everything and it sometimes just really ticks me off that it no longer "solves" my problems. I never really did, but I thought it did and even for just a few minutes that was comforting!

Sending positive thoughts your way. I'm a firm believer that I am my own best friend. Even tho I have friends and family when it comes right down it it I'm the one that I'm with all of the time. I need to be good to me and you need to be good to you too. Take a look at the post that you've written, pick something that you can act on today and then do it.  And you know what? A size 14 misses IS a very good thing! Don't underestimate your accomplishment!

Thank you for the reply. I understand what you are saying, it is just this is not one of those 'buck it up' kind of things. I know it will pass and I know Ihave to do some things to get life on track. I know when I am like this my perceptions are skewed so I am reluctant to make any big changes. But again I would like to thank you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully.

 I'm like many of the people here.  We want to reach out to you to solve your problems, encourage you and help you feel better.  But not knowing all the cir****tances we are reluctant to give advice for fear it would come across as shallow or glib.

Just know that many of us can identify with one, two or all of your situations.  We have been there, are there or will be there.  We care, we understand and we know what it is you are going through.

Just remember, You and only You can do what it takes to change your feelings.  Baby steps, I'm sure you know this already but I'm just reminding you.  Take care of yourself.

As you reach out to us in this depressing time, remember we are reaching back to you.  Consider yourself Hugged and Loved.

You may not be religious or believe in a higher power but many of us do and we will take your cause to this force and petition for a resolution.

Millie