Almost 6 Years

 When I started this crazy journey almost 6 years ago I thought I knew, I thought I had researched 'enough', and today I now know there is never 'enough' research. There cannot be. It would be like reading a book on being a mother and then saying 'I know what it's like to be pregnant and deliver a baby'. Silly really. This journey has been mine, individual and independent from anyone else's. I've made tons of mistakes, gotten involved in friendships that were not friendships, made choices that kicked my hiney hard, and learned how to live in a world where I finally have found my 'spot'. That 'spot' of course, is internally. It feels good deep down inside to know I will live longer now, especially since life is now worth living. I wanted to die at 388 pounds, daily I prayed for it 'Please just don't make me wake up in the morning'. And, then I'd wake up, and go through the pain and shame of living in a grossly large body. It feels really good to be able to find clothing easily, well pretty much, sometimes a size 4 pants is difficult – they tend to disappear fast off the shelves. It feels good to develop my own sense of style, knowing what I like and how I look best in certain styles, where before it was a large piece of fabric with a hole for the neck and arms. It feels good to be told I'm beautiful or that someone wants their hair like mine, or would I show someone how to apply eyeshadow, or where did you get that sweater I love it. It feels good for someone to say to me how impossible it is to imagine me at almost 400 pounds when they see my pictures. It feels really good to have an morbidly obese client sit and cry with me because I totally empathize with her situation.

So, while this has been a journey fraught with bleeding ulcers, anorexia, potassium depletion, pain, mistakes, tears, life-changing choices and pretty much losing my mind, going crazy and then finding my mind (and believe me that was NOT easy), and plenty of therapy with a great, caring, loving art therapist, it has also been the best decision I've ever made. I was lucky with my insurance at the time...they paid without a quibble. From finally saying yes to my PCP and climbing on the gurney for surgery was only 6 weeks. Then, it was 'Let the games begin'!!

There are days now when I still am caught off guard when I see my silhouette in a window or mirror. It is startling to realize that my minds eye still expects to see me in a larger body. I'm waiting for my brain to catch up with my body, but then I was extremely large for a long, long time and have been thinner for only 6 years. They say it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over it when it ends. So, that should mean that my brain will catch up in about, oh, say 25 years. Yikes. LOL. My relationship with obesity was most of my life and I was 53 at the time of surgery.

I've learned so many things. I've learned that I didn't know what love was, I do now. I've learned I was controlling and angry. I'm not anymore. I've learned I hadn't a clue that money meant security, and now I know it sooo does not. I've learned where my true security is. I've learned how to view the glass half full instead of half empty. I've learned how to be happy. In the face of any adversity I've learned how to compartmentalize it and be happy around it and how to not 'get it on everyone else' in my environment. I've learned some dignity and grace. I've learned to let my heart and gut lead me instead of my egocentric brain and mind. I've learned patience and tolerance, compassion and gentleness with others who don't have a clue yet as to what we are here for. I've learned how to live with and without money. I've learned how to let myself be loved because I now love myself first. I've learned how to allow the people in my life to have their own lives, and know that I am not a reflection of their actions, it has nothing to do with me. I can feel for them but not like them. I've learned to not meddle, I've enough to do with my own business. 
No matter where you are on the continuum of this process I hope you will be able to understand and feel hopeful.

How I did it: (1) I followed the surgeons rules for physical health. (2) I never gave up. (3) No matter how much it hurt or seemed impossible I pushed on through and got to the other side. (4) I told the truth, no matter what. (5) I accepted my 'mistakes' as part of the process and kept going anyway.

Good luck to all of you, may you have the gutz to be honest with yourself and others, and may you attain whatever success means to you. I wish you happiness.

Namaste,

Jeani

Hugs Jeani! It is so good to hear from you. I'm still traveling my own road; learning, living, falling down, but always getting up and brushing myself off so that I can take another little, tiny baby step forward. "Courage" is here on the wall in our new home. . .

Hi Karen,
It's been a while since I'd stopped in here.  I'm glad to hear "Courage" is still with you. When we look back and realize just how much hutzpah it has taken to get to where we are it's amazing isn't it?  Sometimes I wonder where I got all that courage!  Then again a little builds on a little and soon we have enough to do the things that scare us spitless and wow! what a surprise when we display it....the goodies on the other side are worth far more than the effort, no matter what.

Hugs,
Jeani

 Jeani,

Thank You so much for sharing your story.  It really touched a spot in me today.  I've had the struggles going on within for a while now.  I'm coming up on my one year and am so disappointed in myself but have to realize I'm having a few physical set backs too.  I'm now considered Hypoglycemic and it is totally frustrating to me.  I'm seeing a specialist and his only help is food control.  Amounts and what I eat, when I eat etc.  Very frustrating.  

Anyway, my story is in the process.  Thanks again for sharing.

Millie

Hello Millie,
I remember one year out, I was anorexic, crazy and creating disaster daily.  LOL.  Oh yeah, my ulcers started bleeding at one year too.  Actually I was in the hospital getting transfused with 5 units of blood and treated for the internal bleeding.  Wow!  I'd almost forgotten how scared I was at that time.  Isn't it a good thing that we only have to do life one day at a time?  Imagine waking up and having the entire year to deal with over night?  The next five will be just as amazing.  You can do anything one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time but you can do it....and be better for it.

Good Luck,
Jeani

Hi Jeannie... I was thinking of you the other day, when Prez Obama was in Arizona, wondering if you were still there....

Your post is thin on details... where are you living?  where's matt?  Do you still see Mary and Hal or Sally or anyone else from those days?  I rarely come on the board and have to laugh.  Some familiar and welcome faces.... some others, irritating in the long ago past for getting into a snit, threatening to leave then posting again daily within weeks after fawning newbies beg them to stay... are STILL here doing exactly that.  Some things never change.  Helps me to keep it real when nostalgia begins to overcome good sense.

I'm still on the farm, with David, doing the goats/cheese thing.  After trying to be the WLS poster child for so long, I'm almost five years out and struggling with the same ongoing/maintenance problems that others post about.  Feeling guilty on the days I lose the battle, but still realizing that I'm so much better off now....

I recognized the nic but the picture?  You look so different but very good.  Hope you are happy and well.  Feel free to reply off the board if you want to.  Same email address as before.  {{{{hugs}}}}  Nancy

Girlfriennnnn,

The desert.  Still here.  No, No,and No.  Remember when we practically 'lived' here?  LOL...

I went to a farmers market yesterday and tasted some goat cheese on her homemade crackers and couldn't help but think of you...btw your cheese is by far....better!  I didn't even buy any.

I don't feel guilty at all regarding food, or any other issue actually.  I still eat like I ate in the beginning.  The anorexia and ulcers actually turned out to be a good thing for me in the long run...remember that which does not kill you, blah, blah, blah???  Well in my case it's true.  I can't eat many different things and I certainly can't eat very much of the things I can eat.  I'm a vegetarian now.  If it has eyes and could see me killing it to eat it, I won't eat it.  I get plenty of protein and my body quit liking meat long ago.  My spiritual walk has intensified and gone in a direction I would never have predicted.  My personal life is very alternative and edgy.  My career is still the same and I'm doing really well there.

I do look different!  I thought I'd try being a real blonde and it suits me.  I am really well and I'm exceedingly happy.  But then anyone would be in my position...I've got it made and the best of all worlds.  hehe

Same email addy as before.....omg I've burnt up 3 computers since then - no hard drive data saved...send email addy.

Smooches,
Jeani

Nancy, I'm new here, mostly lurk and learn; I just wanted to say I've been reading your posts (many thanks for the voyeristic innaugeral experience - I had goosebumps!) - and I just want to say hello - and thank you - from a kindred spirit. Maureen

Jeani,

What a beautiful and honest account of your journey. I thank you very much. We will be a 'work in progress' for life, but a much better life it is!!

Many thanks again
Annette