Dead women don't cry...
I had,am coming out of,or am in the midst,of a total shut down. One day about a week ago,I was gripped by an unbelievable sadness. I could not move,make myself go to work,reach out,nothing. For 3 days I sit here,I could not bare the taste of food,and I could not lie ,so no column. It was impossible for me to do anything.
I know I was tired of the physical pain,tired of everything, tired of life??
I was finally able to type out a few lines to a friend on OH,scaring the crap out of her. She put in a suicide call,as she could not reach me on the phone.
I was struggling out of my lethargy,trying to,when my door rang. There were two policeman there,and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I have post tramatic stress and police are not a welcome sight in my life. I do thank her though...
I assured them that I was not suicidal,while envisioning them cuffing me and stuffing me in a squad car,as happened to me one time in my entire life,and was the beginning of a nervous break down for me,and the end of my marriage.
All things came to surface then,how can they find me?? There is no privacy,we all may as well be on a stage,all kinds of fears.
I called my friend and told her I was OK...and would not ever commit suicide,******g off God is much more than I could ever do.
I did call the special service for employees and talked to a professional. She did leave a number at my request and I do have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow,yes,on Sunday,smile.
My first smile in a week.
I am not mentally OK, I know I can not go on,fighting to work,to survive,fighting the demons that formed in my unhealthy,unhappy childhood.
I have never felt so alone,so sad,and I feel like I have no security. I envisoned myself with no where to live. Although I have FMLA,I have a fear of losing my job. I prayed hard,very hard,and keep doing so,every time the fear****and my chest pounds. I have barely slept,I seem to have wandered out of hell,into Onderland,weighing 190 pounds,20 pounds less than my doctor felt was good,and I do not know why,I guess that is her goal for me.
My daughter and I had a huge fight,I guess I could not tell her what was wrong,and a few wrong words from me led to a huge fight. Seems we old and feeble must kiss the young people's asses and be grateful for anything we get back,but I love her,and loved her through our 2 day fight. We have made up,and had not had a real fight in over 4 years,she is ill,she is bi-polar.I know she loves me. Still,words once spoken...
I want to thank the people who left the PMs I found when I signed in.
I invite anyone who wants to,to take over a thread on eating,I don't know if I can do it right now.I know I should,I know part of my disease is isolation. I spend much time alone. Now,I am lonely,does that mean something is getting better..I do not know. I do not have my food as a friend anymore...
I know I am alive,because I can cry. I will get better,but let's face it,well people do not get to weigh almost 500 pounds.
I am determined to finally get the help I need and hopefully accept what ever I have to,including that perhaps I can not work anymore,after 43 years of doing so...
I have always ran from therapy in the past,not staying around long,not wanting the labels I regarded as weak. I have been on anti-depressants almost all of my life,but the bandaides stopped working...
Please take care,and I know I am alright,because dead women don't cry.
I know I was tired of the physical pain,tired of everything, tired of life??
I was finally able to type out a few lines to a friend on OH,scaring the crap out of her. She put in a suicide call,as she could not reach me on the phone.
I was struggling out of my lethargy,trying to,when my door rang. There were two policeman there,and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I have post tramatic stress and police are not a welcome sight in my life. I do thank her though...
I assured them that I was not suicidal,while envisioning them cuffing me and stuffing me in a squad car,as happened to me one time in my entire life,and was the beginning of a nervous break down for me,and the end of my marriage.
All things came to surface then,how can they find me?? There is no privacy,we all may as well be on a stage,all kinds of fears.
I called my friend and told her I was OK...and would not ever commit suicide,******g off God is much more than I could ever do.
I did call the special service for employees and talked to a professional. She did leave a number at my request and I do have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow,yes,on Sunday,smile.
My first smile in a week.
I am not mentally OK, I know I can not go on,fighting to work,to survive,fighting the demons that formed in my unhealthy,unhappy childhood.
I have never felt so alone,so sad,and I feel like I have no security. I envisoned myself with no where to live. Although I have FMLA,I have a fear of losing my job. I prayed hard,very hard,and keep doing so,every time the fear****and my chest pounds. I have barely slept,I seem to have wandered out of hell,into Onderland,weighing 190 pounds,20 pounds less than my doctor felt was good,and I do not know why,I guess that is her goal for me.
My daughter and I had a huge fight,I guess I could not tell her what was wrong,and a few wrong words from me led to a huge fight. Seems we old and feeble must kiss the young people's asses and be grateful for anything we get back,but I love her,and loved her through our 2 day fight. We have made up,and had not had a real fight in over 4 years,she is ill,she is bi-polar.I know she loves me. Still,words once spoken...
I want to thank the people who left the PMs I found when I signed in.
I invite anyone who wants to,to take over a thread on eating,I don't know if I can do it right now.I know I should,I know part of my disease is isolation. I spend much time alone. Now,I am lonely,does that mean something is getting better..I do not know. I do not have my food as a friend anymore...
I know I am alive,because I can cry. I will get better,but let's face it,well people do not get to weigh almost 500 pounds.
I am determined to finally get the help I need and hopefully accept what ever I have to,including that perhaps I can not work anymore,after 43 years of doing so...
I have always ran from therapy in the past,not staying around long,not wanting the labels I regarded as weak. I have been on anti-depressants almost all of my life,but the bandaides stopped working...
Please take care,and I know I am alright,because dead women don't cry.
WHAT WE FEAR,WE CREATE.
Dearest Linda,
Sending hugs & good thoughts to you each day. I can't even imagine what you are going thru. I don't know about your past, but I know there was some good, because you are a woman with so much love to give and you must have gotten it somewhere. Please know how much you are loved here & how much you will be missed till you post again. I hope someone will start the daily thread for you until you are ready to do so yourself. Please love yourself & take care of yourself.
Jan
Beautiful Beautiful Linda....I want to wrap my arms around you! I know very well some of the things you are going through and have been on anti-deps for years. My darling daughter, age 41 is going through hell right now fighting depression and she is far away from me in Idaho and it is so hard not being there for her but she is seeking professional help as well. You are not alone sweetheart and I am so glad and relieved that you are seeking professional help. I have trouble crying and know that is what I need to do but something holds me back. You will get better and please know that I am thinking of you always and a few prayers could do alot of good right now so count me in!!
A Huge Hug and lots of LOVE,
Sandy
A Huge Hug and lots of LOVE,
Sandy
Linda, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. You have taken the right steps to get this under control. Remember that if God Brings Us To It, He Will Bring Us Through It!!! Trust in him always! Take care of yourself and let us hear from you occasionally if you can. Sending good thoughts and love.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Vera LapBand 8/12/2008
linda
i am so sorry you are going thru all of this. if i was there i would hold you and hug you as hard as i can.
just remember we are all here for you. if you cant post right now, someone else will post. if you cant cope with everything, just cope with what you can.
glad to see you are going to a therapist tomorrow and i hope that will start to help you work thru your troubles
know you are loved and missed always
hugs, jacki
i am so sorry you are going thru all of this. if i was there i would hold you and hug you as hard as i can.
just remember we are all here for you. if you cant post right now, someone else will post. if you cant cope with everything, just cope with what you can.
glad to see you are going to a therapist tomorrow and i hope that will start to help you work thru your troubles
know you are loved and missed always
hugs, jacki
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