Two days until sugery and I'm really sad tonight...

My daughter has not been supportive of my decision to have this surgery since the beginning.  I don't know why I thought I could get her to feel differently.  We've had so many fights about it.  Tonight she told me I didn't try hard enough to lose weight on my own and I'm taking the "cheater's way out."  I wanted her to go to informational meetings with me to learn more.  She has tried to use every reason in the world to get me to see that I'm making a mistake. Tonight she started again when I said something about having to walk by the lady in the grocery store making carmel apples yesterday (I'm on my pre-op liquid diet right now) and she was like well you can't complain, you're doing this to yourelf, yada yada...  Other things she has said is that she's worried I'm going to be smaller than her.  She recently put on 20 pounds since she's been with her new boyfriend (she's 25)... and so I said, that's okay, you can save me your jeans that don't fit and I'll wear them.    So she said well at least I am not taking the cheater's way out.  Ugh!  So we had a big fight and she left to go stay at her boyfriend's.  I'm so fed up with her.  I've supported her at times when I didn't agree with what she was doing.  She doesn't even want to know if the surgery goes okay on Thursday.  She doesn't want to hear about it at all.  I'm just really sad about the whole thing. 

I hate, hate, hate when people say surgery is the "cheaters' way" or the easy way out. What part of surgery is easy? Does she realize that surgery is risky (not that I want to scare you) ... any kind of surgery? This is major surgery we are talking about ... they are redoing your insides. This is not a decision you took lightly. And it's your body, your decision. I told the people in my life I knew would support me ... I didn't tell my sister, who is of the opinion that "if people would jus****ch their calories and exercise, they can lose weight" nor the coworker, Skinny Amy, who blabbed the same drivel when she read a story in the newspaper about the local bariatric surgeon who was inventing something useful for this surgery. I knew what I would hear from them. But I thought I would get support from my mom, who has been on my case about my weight all my life, and besides, she's my mom. The first thing she said was: "You'll gain it all back, I've seen these people on TV and they've gained it all back." (She was talking about Carnie Wilson, who I think at the time had gained some weight back, not all.) I said, "Gee thanks, Mom, for having such faith in me."

This year, I brought that comment back up to her. She didn't remember it. A week later, she repeated it and said, "That hurt you, didn't it?" I said it did, and it drives me to this day to not gain it back.

I know you want your daughter to accept your decisions, but you can't force her. I couldn't force my mom to accept it. Eventually, she did, and she's very proud of the progress I've made. Maybe your daughter will be someday, too. Maybe she's a little jealous right now because she is gaining weight and fears she's going to keep gaining. Whatever the reason, you can't make her accept your choice. It's your choice, not hers. Like it was my choice, not my mom's, or my sister's, or my coworker's. I know you're sad, but that's the way life is.

You're right.  I know I can't make her change her opinion.  My husband said the same thing.  But I thought she would support me anyway, even if he didn't agree.  I think there are other people I've told who maybe don't agree but they've been supportive.  I'm not sure my son agrees, or my daughter in law, but they are being supportive.  I'm just really angry with her and like you said about what your mom said to you... it just hurts.  BUT, I'm doing this for me... and I have to keep remembering that.  Whether she likes it or not, I can't let it affect me.  Thanks Eileen! 

Hi Laura,
I remember that when I was in my 20s I was opinionated and thought I knew EVERYTHING. I really think it's an age thing. I have a close friend whose daughter has her crying at least once a week that is the same age as yours. I know that I was hard on my mom in those days too. I'll tell you what I told my friend.... try to just let her thoughts go... try not to get angry or hurt, but to remember that she is very young and has very little life experience.  I know it's easier said than done. After you have gotten your self-esteem back the words won't hurt as much. If it helps, I think you've made a great decision to improve your life. Your thoughts are the important ones.
Julia

Laura, Sending positive energy your way for a safe surgery and a speedy recovery.  Not everyone supports the choices we make in life... they don't have to....it would be nice if they did but that is their choice as it is ours to do what is best for us.   Maybe she is scared that there may be complications.... but carrying the extra weight adds complications  to our lives too. Hopefully after surgery she will see the new healthier confident you and come around.  Good luck to you. Paulette

Laura, I have a niece who is 27 years old. I have told her so many times that she thinks she knows everything about everything but in reality she is a kid who thinks she knows everything there ever was about absolutely NOTHING! She still looks at me like I have 10 heads. I know that she will know what I mean when her daughter gets to that stage too.

Your daughter may never agree with your decision but I go with the "To thine own self be true". I feel that surgery in not the easier softer way because we constantly have to fight every day with food just like others do. Just because we had surgery doesn't mean it is going to just fall off us. Boy~do I wi**** would.

Know that you are doing what you feel is right for Laura and that is what you should do. I have always said that you aren't going to make everyone happy so if you please yourself then at least one person is pleased. So please yourself, dear one.

Laura, it's difficult when you don't have the support of your family.  While my husband was very supportive, my three grown children were not.  Maybe they weren't as strongly opposed as your daughter, but they couldn't imagine me doing something so drastic to myself, and possibly putting my life on the line for wls.  When everything was said and done, it came down to they were afraid of losing their mother.  George comforted me with the explanation that they had only known me as obese and they didn't know what to expect.  Our daughter, the oldest wondered how I'd react to the possibility of NEVER being able to eat "normal food" again (there's very little that I can't tolerate since wls).  Our older son stated he was afraid "he wouldn't know his own mother".  Our younger son, an ER nurse was the most fearful.  His statement was, "I've seen all the mistakes the surgeons make."  My answer to him was, "How many success stories do you see in the ER.  Everything there is an emergency or mistake of some sort."  From the minute I came out of recovery, they did a complete turn around and have cheered me on.  Two lived out of town at the time, and their dad would email them updated pictures of me.  Now that I'm healthy and more active, they think it's the best thing I could have done.

We're here for you no matter what!  Best wishes on your surgery, you'll be in my prayers.
Debbie

Laura, Let me make myself understood!!! The only easy way to diet is to go on a diet...WLS is a life changing way to live! One can go off the "diet" anytime they want BUT we have to live the rest of our lives eating very little. I thought in the first year or so it was sort of hard but well worth it! Now over 6+ years it's a breez and you to will be ever so glad gave this gift to yourself. I honestly feel I have been given 20 years back on my life. This past weekend I went to my 45th class renuinon and when class mates they told me how good I looked, i felt pround.  i showed some of them my "fat" book and they couldnt believe the pictures. I felt so proud of myself, and your will too. It's worth it to regain some of your healthe issues. You will do just fine and if you need any support , I am here along with all the other OH friends. Good Luck and God bless, Beth

Dear Laura,
I am so sorry you are going thru so much sadness. I am blessed that my son is being supportive. He is an only child and when I told him I was having WLS he just asked what took me so long. I don't know what i would of done if he had been against my decision. I can only imagine what you are going through and I guess the only thing you can do is what's best for YOU. We can't change people in our life. I am sure your daughter loves you and she is just scared of something she can't understand. She is probably afraid of losing you and this is her way of protecting herself. She will come around when she sees all the wonderful changes this surgery has in store for you. You will be in my prayers and thoughts as you go through this journey.
God bless you.

Nancy  

Laura,

I feel your hurt! Our so called adult children can say and do the most hurtful things to us. Makes you feel compassion for the animals that EAT their young.

You already know there is nothing easy or cheating about WLS - it is a hard decision and a tough life style change. The results are worth every bit of the work, frustration and unkind comments. You are doing this for YOU, not HER. Try to feel good about that.

You are upsetting her idea of the pecking order since she is afraid you will be smaller than she is. In her mind, Mom is supposed to be bigger, not smaller. Let that be her problem to deal with. When her jeans become too big for you, smile!!

Advice? Heck no - I can't always figure out how to make my own daughters understand me at times.

We are here for you and it sounds like your husband is supportive. Vent to us and feel good about your decision.

Annette