Hi Everyone, any suggestion?...

I am so glad you are all out there.  Here I am almost 57 years old and my 33 year old daughter sometimes talks to me with no respect at all.  If anyone is familiar with it, I have I'M (instant messaging) with Yahoo.  She is in Ithaca, NY and we are in Maine.  I am just too tired dealing with Rick's liver illness and I guess just plain getting too old for that attitude from anyone really.  I get very frustrated of course.  I hate to say I am disappointed with her but that is the truth.  She has not made good life choices and even though I have to give her leeway since she was the one who found my son Jamie passed away as I had said before, she still could have made some better choices.  You know we only want our kids happy and healthy.  She is not happy but won't go get help since she doesn't have insurance.  I have offered to pay for it.  Anyway, we are leaving tomorrow to go visit her and her 10 year boyfriend.  We didn't have a very good conversation tonight and it makes me not want to go.  They just moved to Ithaca in May and this will be the first time we have been up.  I was really looking forward to the trip. 

Here is my problem.  I'm not sure if I should try to sit down alone with her and talk it out and if I do but it turns out bad, then what.  If I don't I'm afraid it will just continue which I do not want of course. 

Help.

It's tough (and also wonderful) being a parent to a grown-up for sure!     Since she's been an adult, did the two of you ever discuss any "ground rules"?   If not, now might be a good time.   I know I've had discussions like that (just general guidelines, not relating to specific issues) where we discussed expectations and boundaries and it was quite enlightening on both sides.    It's hard to know when you can help & when to give space.   Maybe you could just ask???  Just a thought.  Best wishes to you & your Daughter.

Thank you Jan, that is indeed a good suggestion, to set boundaries.  I will have plenty of time to think as the trip will be about 10 hours. 

I find most relationships are hampered by control issues. Children especially daughters can get real emotional about control issues. It really gets in the way of communicaiton.

I know when I am dealing with clients I am careful to let decisions be theirs. When they ask my advice I give it. I find most of the time that works wih my daughters also.

Good luck. Marti

Thanks Marti, I admit I do forget control can certainly cause issues and the Lord knows I have had my control issues thru life.  Again, another point I will need to jot down to remember.

You guys are the best!
Carolyn

 Boy, this is a tough one.  I have had strained relationships with my kids at one time or another.  It is a heart breaker when this happens.  At this moment I'm doing well with all three.  Most of the time I get along with my  3 DIL better than my sons...  lol    

I guess mutual respect is the one item that is key.   I wouldn't try to have a conversation with her on your visit unless you really want to hear what she has to say... At times when I want to "talk" it catches them off guard and puts them on the defense.    patience, love, respect, tolerance  and truth....... gad, I think I'm talking to myself.....  LOL   You'll be in my thoughts and prayers..   Millie

Millie,

I love having all these communications because one does tend to become emotional of course and your points are so appropriate.  My list is getting bigger.

Just had to let you all know something that will make you laugh.

I was showing my husband Rick this page with my picture and all my friends' pictures and replys.  He doesn't always pay a lot of attention to what I do on line but this caught his attention and his very innocent question to me was " what is that, the Face Lift web site?

Of course he meant Facebook, but I am wiping away the laughter tears as I write the note.

Carolyn 

Maybe this visit could be just to see her and not try to solve any problems.  It is difficult to have a good conversation when emotions are running high.

I live in Ithaca too. If at some point you think she might be willing to get help, get in touch with me. I know several places she could go for next to nothing. We have an excellent community for free resources.

Annette

Wow Annette,

You sure make it a small world and you make me a little nervous because if my daughter had a clue she was being discussed on line with all these friends she would certainly have nothing to do with me for months I imagine. 

Be very very careful who you discuss this with.  If you see any cute little blond women near you, mums the word, it could be my Jennifer. 

But thanks, I may end up calling on you for your suggestions.

Carolyn