I especially like #s 4, 5, 10, and 27!!!  Laughing through the tears - Debbie

Evacuation Plan

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Since it looks like we all may be leaving, here are a few more pointers:...

SUGGESTIONS TO SUPPLEMENT A ROUTINE HURRICANE EVACUATION PLAN

1.  St Vitus is the patron protector against tempests.  Donate to your
parish church in his name.

2.  Patronize a pharmacy with retail liquor and a nationwide database.
Once common in Louisiana, now few and far between.

3. Acquire recent maps, in good detail, of Louisiana, Mississippi, and
Texas; supplement these with a GPS navigation system, if practical. 

4. Men - practice asking directions. 

5. Women - practice reading maps.

6.  Plan evacuation routes that use minor highways as much as possible, to
100 miles out from NO, heading north.  Driving south is counterproductive
and deadly.

7.  Drive practice runs on the routes; note gas stations between 80-100
miles out from NO., with clean restrooms.  Your standard for restroom
hygiene should be realistic.

8.  Keep gas tank topped off once hurricane enters the Gulf.  This is not
the time to quibble about price.

9.  Get your hair done (or its masculine equivalent).  You should look
your best when the newsmen videotape your predicament from helicopters
overhead.

10.  Pack all necessary medications with original containers or with
recent, written prescriptions.  Do not leave behind that particular drug
that suppresses your murderous rage.

11. Bring two spare cell phone batteries, fully charged, and car charger.
Avoid depleting the batteries by pestering your analyst about your “issues”
while evacuating.

12. Bring laptop with power supply, car charger, and modem.  Some
familiarity with all this gear can be helpful.

13. Pack “field potty”, with plastic bags appropriate thereto, and toilet
paper.  I can tell you stories...

14. Box any liquor left behind and leave for looters outside rear door of
home.

15. Post prominent sign on front door, “Liquor, drugs, guns, jewelry, and
attractive women removed, but  rotweilers roam at will within”.

16. Carry lots of cash and a powerful rosary.

17. Dress ordinary; avoid the extremes of appearing homeless or decked-out
for a papal audience.

18. Women of all ages should employ lipstick and hairbrush to keep up
morale among their menfolk.

19. Evacuate early, by days, not hours, and before sunrise.  Avoid Sunday
travel; most good eateries and bars are closed.

20. Evacuate with all automobiles, no matter how many; ignore all advice
and warnings to the contrary.

21. Drive for distance. Do not stop for food or gas until traffic thins
out.  Avoid convenience stores with staff resembling the villains of
“Deliverance”.

22. Do not brandish firearms unless absolutely necessary.

23. If the opportunity arises, befriend or stay near any who seem to have
survival training.  This is the only situation when flirtation between
strangers is permissible.

24. If faced with the choice of rescuing an animal or a human, choose the
former.  It will make no further demands and remain fiercely loyal
thereafter.

25. Every hour or so, belt out,  “Nearer my God to Thee” or some
equivalent.  Invoking the aid of false gods is not recommended, unless you
feel in the mood for a smiting.

26. Take notes on what did or did not work in your evacuation plan for
future amendment.  Take no pictures.  You will want to forget the whole
miserable ordeal as soon as possible.

27. Keep your wits about you.  You are smarter than 99% of those hysterical
numbskulls roaming the interstates and byways.