Disappointed in a friend
First off, Cathy, I would like to say that I am sorry that you have to experience this right now. I know how nerve racking this time can be. You remain in my prayers that He takes the feelings you are having at this time and replaces them with serene and peacefull thoughts.
I had a cousin who was kind of like your friend. She of course is over weight and at first told me that she was thinking of having the surgery too. Then the excuses all started. She couldn't have it because of this and that and anything that she could think of. Then the "I know several people who had it and they died." and then it because "My sister knows several people who had it and they died." then it was "My mom knows some people who had it and they died.". It got to the point that I just couldn't talk to her for a while. Now she is on yet another diet and I know that her life is going to be just one diet after another. I think part of it is jealousy but still another part of it is that they have fear. Fear of the surgery, fear of the unknown and fear that you are going to find another way of life. My cousin told me that she didn't want me to change after having the surgery. She said that most people get stuck up when they lose weight. I told her that I am who and I am and surgery isn't going to change me. I told her that she was stuck with me being just me. I think that helped her. I sometimes find in my best friend, the one that stood by me through the whole thing is a bit different. She had lost so much weight and now I am catching up and passing her. I feel at times a sense of resentment but there is nothing I can do about it. I did this for me so that I could have a happy and more importantly a healthy life. The way that I look at it is that you have to do what you have to do for YOU and no one else. If they accept it that is wonderful and if not it is their problem. They have to deal with whatever is bothering them and it isn't my job to get them through their difficulties in life.
I am keeping you in my prayers as your big day comes closer. I understand the fear, we all do since we all experience that. Know that when you get to the hospital the day of surgery it is going to be so busy you will find that you have no time for nervousness! Before you know it you are waking up and you have the start of a wonderful new life. One full of health, happiness and fun. I pray that your surgery is good and your recovery is pain free and fast. I pray for the medical staff that they have knowledge and compassion. Please keep us posted and know that we are here for you when you need us.
I had a cousin who was kind of like your friend. She of course is over weight and at first told me that she was thinking of having the surgery too. Then the excuses all started. She couldn't have it because of this and that and anything that she could think of. Then the "I know several people who had it and they died." and then it because "My sister knows several people who had it and they died." then it was "My mom knows some people who had it and they died.". It got to the point that I just couldn't talk to her for a while. Now she is on yet another diet and I know that her life is going to be just one diet after another. I think part of it is jealousy but still another part of it is that they have fear. Fear of the surgery, fear of the unknown and fear that you are going to find another way of life. My cousin told me that she didn't want me to change after having the surgery. She said that most people get stuck up when they lose weight. I told her that I am who and I am and surgery isn't going to change me. I told her that she was stuck with me being just me. I think that helped her. I sometimes find in my best friend, the one that stood by me through the whole thing is a bit different. She had lost so much weight and now I am catching up and passing her. I feel at times a sense of resentment but there is nothing I can do about it. I did this for me so that I could have a happy and more importantly a healthy life. The way that I look at it is that you have to do what you have to do for YOU and no one else. If they accept it that is wonderful and if not it is their problem. They have to deal with whatever is bothering them and it isn't my job to get them through their difficulties in life.
I am keeping you in my prayers as your big day comes closer. I understand the fear, we all do since we all experience that. Know that when you get to the hospital the day of surgery it is going to be so busy you will find that you have no time for nervousness! Before you know it you are waking up and you have the start of a wonderful new life. One full of health, happiness and fun. I pray that your surgery is good and your recovery is pain free and fast. I pray for the medical staff that they have knowledge and compassion. Please keep us posted and know that we are here for you when you need us.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter
that tells what kind of life you have lived.
cathy; i simply want to say that i am sorry that you are experiencing this.....as the others have said you will always find ppl like this - for various reasons-fear( of death) / ignorance( of surgeries and of comorbidities) / jealousy (that you are courageous enuff to do it!)/ and the fear as you expressed of losing their (fat)friend in food ...
cathy- be comfortable in your decision and in your way with your God if you have one!
and thank you for coming out of lurkdom and talking with us! i'm glad to meet you!!!!!
cathy- be comfortable in your decision and in your way with your God if you have one!
and thank you for coming out of lurkdom and talking with us! i'm glad to meet you!!!!!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White
(deactivated member)
on 8/11/08 8:49 am, edited 8/11/08 10:34 am
on 8/11/08 8:49 am, edited 8/11/08 10:34 am
Hi, Cathy
The first few MONTHS are hard, as your pouch is healing. Most new post-ops go through a period of regret soon after surgery, but this passes. Some foods will make you feel ill, if they "get stuck".... and you will probably foam, slim, and vomit occasionally. That said, the end results are so rewarding that it's all worth it. The new stats on death have change from 1 in 100 to (drum roll, please) 1 in 1,000!!! Lovenox, a blood thinner, is usually sent home with patients for 10 days worth of daily self-injections into the abdomen fat; not a big thing... really. Most deaths occur from blood clots within the 1st month and there are warning signs... so call your surgeon or go to the ER, if you feel something is "wrong". Some doctors insert filters at the time of surgery, if they think that the patient may encounter clots.
Complications... you have them now, you'll encounter some form for the rest of your life... aging comes with complications, but your RnY comes with hope of less of them. You've read above and heard others say how their co-morbidities have been lessened and their health has improved. You've also learned first hand that not everyone will be supportive. Seems that many WLS patients do end up with "new" relationships, as our friendships change.
Once you've lost some weight, you'll hear a whole different bunch of negative comments that you should "brush off" immediately. No need to explain your eating routine, current weight, or health matters, unless you choose to do so. Most of us have gotten thick skin from abrasive people. You'll be fine... better than fine... and if you need some extra care, the Drs / Nuts are well versed in providing it. Staying Morbidly Obese isn't a healthy option anymore. I feel that I can wish you congratulations on your upcoming surgery... from all of your NEW friends here!
Go for it!!!!
Ro
The first few MONTHS are hard, as your pouch is healing. Most new post-ops go through a period of regret soon after surgery, but this passes. Some foods will make you feel ill, if they "get stuck".... and you will probably foam, slim, and vomit occasionally. That said, the end results are so rewarding that it's all worth it. The new stats on death have change from 1 in 100 to (drum roll, please) 1 in 1,000!!! Lovenox, a blood thinner, is usually sent home with patients for 10 days worth of daily self-injections into the abdomen fat; not a big thing... really. Most deaths occur from blood clots within the 1st month and there are warning signs... so call your surgeon or go to the ER, if you feel something is "wrong". Some doctors insert filters at the time of surgery, if they think that the patient may encounter clots.
Complications... you have them now, you'll encounter some form for the rest of your life... aging comes with complications, but your RnY comes with hope of less of them. You've read above and heard others say how their co-morbidities have been lessened and their health has improved. You've also learned first hand that not everyone will be supportive. Seems that many WLS patients do end up with "new" relationships, as our friendships change.
Once you've lost some weight, you'll hear a whole different bunch of negative comments that you should "brush off" immediately. No need to explain your eating routine, current weight, or health matters, unless you choose to do so. Most of us have gotten thick skin from abrasive people. You'll be fine... better than fine... and if you need some extra care, the Drs / Nuts are well versed in providing it. Staying Morbidly Obese isn't a healthy option anymore. I feel that I can wish you congratulations on your upcoming surgery... from all of your NEW friends here!
Go for it!!!!
Ro
Again, I am so grateful for all of the replies. I went to the long "before surgery" meeting with my nutritionist this afternoon, along with 3 others. I feel like I am cramming for final exams! I know that I will have various questions and comments in the coming weeks, so you will all be hearing a lot from me!
Well, okay, you could die. You could have catastrophic complications....but what if you don't?????
I had my RNY at 60..... 4 years ago.
I had the same conversations with my family and friends...... and you know what? It was the most single, hardest decision I ever made in my life. BAR NONE. I wrestled with it for a long time. I was risking losing my best friend and lover. That would be food. My family just knew I'd lost my mind. I reminded them that if I did 'croak' that they'd just get up and comb their hair and brush their teeth like always the next morning but I'd eventually be a good memory....
Well, hunnybunny, the memories they will have now will far outweigh any they would have had. They wonder where I'm at, what I'm doing, and what I'm wearing.
Ask Louise.... (Candy), we took a Thelma and Louise trip and did things we never thought we'd do.
Your friend isn't jealous. She's just afraid of losing a good friend..... she'll calm down and if not, kick her to the curb. People are in your life for a reason and some just a season.
Don't let anyone pith in your Poth Toathies.
Janet
I had my RNY at 60..... 4 years ago.
I had the same conversations with my family and friends...... and you know what? It was the most single, hardest decision I ever made in my life. BAR NONE. I wrestled with it for a long time. I was risking losing my best friend and lover. That would be food. My family just knew I'd lost my mind. I reminded them that if I did 'croak' that they'd just get up and comb their hair and brush their teeth like always the next morning but I'd eventually be a good memory....
Well, hunnybunny, the memories they will have now will far outweigh any they would have had. They wonder where I'm at, what I'm doing, and what I'm wearing.
Ask Louise.... (Candy), we took a Thelma and Louise trip and did things we never thought we'd do.
Your friend isn't jealous. She's just afraid of losing a good friend..... she'll calm down and if not, kick her to the curb. People are in your life for a reason and some just a season.
Don't let anyone pith in your Poth Toathies.
Janet
Cathy, I'm going try to answer this from "the other perspective". 7 years ago my #3 daughter, aged 23 told me she decided to have gastric bypass. Considering she never did a lick of exercise in her life (although was very athletic in high school) I knew she was "taking the easy way out". I didn't understand anything about it and wasn't interested in finding out more. My #2 daughter felt the same way. Well, 4 weeks after #3 had the surgery (open RNY) she and her husband split up and she moved home. AT the time she was living in Louisiana and I flew down and helped her drive to New Jersey, along with a 2 yr. old and 2 dogs. So, basically she was on her own with her new surgery and no bariatric doctor (I don't even think there was such a thing 7 yrs ago, at least they didn't call themselves that. I watched her struggle with her diet and watched her lose the weight. She handled it surprisingly well for a 23 yr old (in my opinion still a child, what can I say she was my baby)
Now after another child, she has had a panni and works out at a gym (heck, she's the operations mgr. there) and she finally got her butt back, LOL, and looks terrific. What I guess I'm trying to say is it took me a long time to come around but I finally did, I had Lap Band surgery April 14 and my #2 daughter had Lap Band surgery in May. I believe people act the way they do because they don't understand the surgery, are scared for their loved ones, are even jealous, especially if they are big also, scared they will lose their friends (once you lose your weight you will not know her any more). I know my daughter has a lot of trouble being around big people because of the way she is treated by them.
Have your surgery, do what you have to do for yourself, I'm sure your friend will come around, just give her time. Good Luck,
Now after another child, she has had a panni and works out at a gym (heck, she's the operations mgr. there) and she finally got her butt back, LOL, and looks terrific. What I guess I'm trying to say is it took me a long time to come around but I finally did, I had Lap Band surgery April 14 and my #2 daughter had Lap Band surgery in May. I believe people act the way they do because they don't understand the surgery, are scared for their loved ones, are even jealous, especially if they are big also, scared they will lose their friends (once you lose your weight you will not know her any more). I know my daughter has a lot of trouble being around big people because of the way she is treated by them.
Have your surgery, do what you have to do for yourself, I'm sure your friend will come around, just give her time. Good Luck,
Hugs, Peggy
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