Disappointed in a friend

Good morning all,

     Since I am 63, I monitor this forum every day and find it very helpful and reassuring, so I chose to post this here.   I have a friend who lives in Florida, while I am in Indiana, so we only see each other about once a year.  She used to live here, and actually used to work for me in my restaurant in the 90's.   However, I have always felt that we were lifelong friends, and we have shared many joys and sorrows together.  We are in fairly regular contact, both by phone and email.   I have known, however, that she has always been very outspoken about her opposition to weight loss surgery, so I rarely bring the subject up.

   She has known that I have been working on having the surgery, but with no updates.   Last winter, I did mention that I was considering doing the lapband, which seemed to trouble her a lot less.   I haven't said much about anything to her since then concerning this.   She called me yesterday and I mentioned having having an appointment to attend today, and I told her, under direct questioning, that I have switched to RNY, and the reasons.   And she immediately went off on me, saying that I would most surely die and if I decided to go through with this, to let her know, so she could see me one last time, etc.   She went on to say that she would start praying that something would prevent me from having the surgery.   And that even if I made it through, complications would be bound to arise, because of my age, etc.   I tried to tell her to read this forum to see that age did not mean a death sentence.   But, by now, she wasn't buying anything I had to say, and went on and on.

    I was wondering if any of the rest of you had a close friend or relative who behaved in such a manner, because it really upset me that she was so outspoken in this way.   I have felt like a long-lost sister to her throughout the years, and it was very hurtful for her to say these things to me.   I am trying to get myself as "up" for this surgery as possible, and this certainly did not help.

   My friend says she has known a few people who had the surgery and died and she feels positive that I will be just like them.  I will go on to say that she is quite heavy and I have to wonder if she thinks I won't be a friend to her anymore if I lose weight.   That, of course, is a very wrong assumption.  I would, in fact, very much support her if she ever chose to have it also.   I am not sure how old she is now, perhaps in her late 50's.  

  I am sorry this is such a long narrative, but I really felt the need to share this experience with others who might understand.  It has bothered me since last night.   She does not know my surgery date, which I think is best.   I would feel like it was a jinx.   I know that sounds silly, but I think that everyone wants to feel that they are in the prayers of their loved ones, not the other way around.  

  So, if anyone else has had anyone in their life who behaved in this manner, I would like to hear how you handled it.  Thanks for you time.
Cathy

Hi Cathy,
I too have a close friend who has taken this same position with me. She is positive I will be the one that has everything go wrong that can. My friend, however, has lost 80 pounds in 2 years by changing her diet alone. I have been reassuring her that in the meantime I am trying to lose the weight on my own, but if it gets to the point that I decide to have the surgery it will be a decision that I alone make, and that I have weighed all the options for me and done my research, and that I hope as a true friend she will support whatever decision I make, just like I will always support decisions she makes in her own life.  I have told her I understand her concern but I could walk out the door tomorrow and get hit by a car and die, none of us know when it is our time. She still voices her opinion to me and I let her do that, I listen and then do as I feel best for me. I'm sure others here have had similar situations and will comment to you too.  I hope this helps you at least a little bit. Paulette

Hi Cathy!
I just had to respond to your post......I am a 69 yr old widow with one son. Two weeks prior to my surgery my son and DIL came on a sunday nite to "talk" to me. He proceeded to try and talk me out of having the surgery.
I told him I was doing it for my health and no other reason and that God was with me all the way. I was so crushed and cried my eyes out.....I posted about it on the OFF and got lots of good responses and support.

Well, I had the surgery (son and DIL were with me the whole time) came thru with flying colors, and had an easy recovery. I've lost 88 lbs in almost a year, am off all diabetes meds and high blood pressure meds....and best of all I feel GREAT!

Don't let this "friend" dampen your spirits....she may just be jealous.

God go with you on your journey -- you'll do just fine!

Pat R.

 Cathy,
  I'm so very sorry you are having to face these comments.  I have had only one person very concerned about the bad side effects of the surgery.  She is the mother of a dear friend of mine.  I believe most of these people have wrong information about the surgeries.  TV, magazines etc have not always given the most accurate statistics.  Kind of like shock and awe....  I do believe these people truly care about us and want what is best for us, however, it sounds like your friend is insensitive about your choice for surgery.  You certainly are in the prayers and thought of the people on this forum and we will be here to help in any way we can.  If you can, look at this as one of life's checks and balances.   Best Wishes and God bless.   Millie

Cathy...be prepared...you will hear many things from people along the way. Keep you eye on the prize...don't let others discourage you.

I have proved them wrong. I am so much healthier and happier. I can do just about anything I want. My pain has improved about 90 percent. I no longer have high blood pressure, acid reflux or Diabetes!! I play with my granchildren and they wear out before I do most times!! I have a huge amount of energy all the time. This is the best decision I ever could have made for myself. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner!

I am sure you have done your research and know all the facts about the good the bad and the ugly. Just folloow your surgeons advice and you will do awesome. I have never been sick, not one single problem. I follow my doctors orders and feel great!

Sometimes you really find out who your friends really are. Maybe this person wants to have the surgery and is too afraid. You too need to prove her wrong. Maybe she will follow in your foot steps once she sees how wonderful you feel and how great you look.

If God can bring you to it he will see you through it!!

I wish you the very best. I am so glad you decided to join in with the rest of us here on OFF!! This is such a caring, friendly and helpful group of people. WELCOME!!!

Hugs, connie d

HarmonyRose: So sorry you are having to deal with this. I also, had a particular friend telling me "Oh, I know a woman who gained all her weight back". It was devastating to hear that, but I didn't get mad, just sad. That was more than a year ago, and I had RNY 6 months before that and was losing. At the time of her comments, I said I was sorry to hear of her friend's gaining the weight back, but perhaps she didn't follow the rules.

I feel, like you that it could be jealousy, legitimate concern for your health or just plain disatification with her life. Right now (thanks to fantastic surgeon, medical support, DH, incredible church family and close friends) I am at goal (-95lbs, size 4/6). I will be 72 in a few days and feel like I have been given my life back. No more co-morbidities, meds or aching knees. We all have to do what is best for us. Sometimes it appears selfish to others, but if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't do for others.

Take care of yourself first! She might come around - and how do you know after seeing your success she might chose some help for herself?

Blessings and hugs,
Rudie

Hello again, everyone,

   I ran off to shower and get ready for my day, knowing that when I came back, I would find wonderful, positive, and caring responses!  And, of course, I DID!   I always so appreciate have this place to come to when I need reassurance, answers, and to bolster up my courage!   I am sure that I will bombard everyone with questions as the time gets closer and afterwards.   I have done lots of research, of course, but, I will want to verify every move.   I won't pretend that I won't be scared at the last minute, because I know that I will be.   But I plan on getting through it and coming out on the other side a much happier and healthier person.   I hope that I can remember that the first few weeks are rough, and try to be as positive as possible.  That is when I will turn to all of you good people a lot.   Thanks again for your time and encouragement.
Cathy

You said the magic thing, 63.  You've paid your dues and if anyone doesn't like it, well, said by bye.   You must lose the weight or you will die, and if she would rather have a friend who is dying a little every day and will not reach a ripe old age, tell her to go to overeaters and find a new Bfff, which is best fat friend forever.  Many people feel reassured having a fat fried and they want to keep fat friend fat.  That's why many try to sabotage the diets.  You see, what better way to be the prettiest than have a cow standing next to her.  Tell her to get over it.  Tell her it's your life and youwanna live it.

Your Friend needs to trust you...trust that you are intelligent and are not doing this lightly...trust that you know the dangers of the surgery...but more important...trust that you know the dangers of not having this surgery. Concentrate on your co-morbidites with her. My diabetes doctor told me after I had lost my weight......"I am so glad you had this surgery...I was really afraid you would not live more than 4-5 more yearas at the amount of insulin you were on".....of course they don't tell you this when you are trying so hard to conquer the disease and it is not working. He said "WLS does cure diabetes"....it has something to do with hormones.

Be patient with her....if she really loves you she will come around....if not she does not really love you. I took my husband to all my meetings with me so that he could be informed also...and he was my strength during the preparation. I was very peacful when it came time for the surgery, knowing it was the right thing to do...he however, burst into tears as they came to take me away......I would probably have been the same way if it had been him having surgery.

I had my surgery at 65 and never even had any pain afterwards and two doctors spent 4.5 hours on my surgery, I apparently had lots of adhesions to be "pared" down from a previous gallbladder surgery. I had a great recovery and continue to be thankful each and every day for my WLS.
Hugs, Marti

Cathy,

I just want to say that you are not alone, there are many naysayers and fear mongers out there to try to dissaude us from making a decision that in our hearts, most of us make with deep thought and consideration as to any of the possible effects that we are warned about by our very surgeons prior to having surgery.  I had my share of them, but I was resolute in my decision and do not have any regrets whatsoever. 

Sadly I have a friend, who is not too different from yours, an old co-worker, who lives in another state and I keep in contact with via e-mail and telephone, seeing each other about once or twice a year.  She did not quite go as far as saying the things your friend did, but she thinks what I did was quite drastic, she suffers from obesity and I have been very considerate of her ongoing battle, by not sharing my WOW moments or anything else unless asked specifically.  Well a few months ago, I realized she was calling me less, she had told me that she rejoined WW and was not doing great, I told her, that I understand the battle and that she just needs to perservere, encouraging her when she chose to share what she was going through with me, anyway, I sent out an e-mail prior to going on vacation, just to let me friends know I'd be away, her response to me was that she was sorry that she hadn't called me in a while, but that while she was happy for my success, she just couldn't bare seeing or talking to me at this time.  I wrote her back saying that I had kind of figured it out and I was her friend regardless of how much we weighed, that our friendship was based on love, laughter and support and that I would be there when she wanted me to. . .  that was over two months ago, she avoids my calls and no longer responds to any e-mails I send her, I respected her by only calling a couple of times, after weeks of just missing my friend and wanting to know if she was ok, and sent e-mail jokes and one or two asking how things are. . .  it hurts, but I can't change her mind and actually feel sad that her self-esteem is tied into this. 

I also have a co-worker who gave me all the negative aspects of this surgery, her sister having had it over 4 years ago, successfully; as I have lost my weight, she has, at times been antagonistic to me and never acknowledges how I look or am doing.  Some people should be green, then we could learn to avoid them easier. . .

I wish you success and health in your choice to pursue this life altering and life giving journey.

Laureen