Something funny

The Bathing Suit
When I was a child in the 1940s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane , pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read --
'Material might become transparent in water.' So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. 'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain '

mickey i am rolling here with laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that story just sums it up for most of us i am sure!!!! back when i was looking for a suit i sent for one through newport...it was a beautiful halter style gold color and when it arrived i tried it on and it fit!!! i then looked in the mirror...OMG!!!!!!!!!! my boobs were hanging out all out the sides and i promptly took it off and sent it back!!!!!! the suits i recieved from our OFF sisters some fit me nice and others not so good but i did manage to get a couple that i fit into perfect and even tho the boobs are flattened i don't care as long as they aren't hanging out!!!!!! LOL but in my opinion we need the underwire cups to hold those girls that we have left up and in front where they so belong!!!!

thanks for that bathing suit story...made me LOL and yes if i read that "see through" when wet i would wear cut offs and tshirt also...LOL

hugs

Mickey, ROFLMAO,   Boy can I relate!!! My old suit with skirt attached is too big. My daughter gave me one that she had that size wise should be fine but it made me look like a big purple grape ( no bra in it).  A friend gave me one that is too big for her now, but in my size. It is a tankini(?) 2 piece with long top. I can wear it but not out in public as it is like putting painted rubber on and if I sit down the top rolls up.  So for now the only pool I go in is at my daughters house and in their yard with 6 foot privacy fence.  But there is hope......wait till next year!! (sounds like my beloved CUBS)  Paulette

Thank you Mickey....I am laughing so hard I have tears running down my face!! What a great story. Sad but oh so true!! They just don't make suits that flatter the bust line anymore!!

Hugs, connie d

THANK YOU MICKEY!!!

Tom came in the room to see what was causing the fit of laughter from me. What an experience.    

Mickey, My Girl,  You are my first read this morning.....O'my word. I'm with you , Cut offs and a L. L. Bean Tee Shirt.  The Two L'S line up just right for my( L)ong( L)ost Girlie Girls....Heeeheee.
I did change from the cut offs to Bike shorts, they are light weight and won't fall off when you walk out of the ocean, lake or stream.   Dancin in the rain with you my friend,   Hugs , Peg

Oh my Micky, I can so relate! The only difference is I have no boobs. I had cancer in 2001 & decided not to have reconstructive surgery. I prefer not to have cups in my suit & I have a hard time finding those! But you are right a lot of excess flab falls out the sides. Have a great day & thank you.
Nan

FUNNY! Love it!!! I just don't think that they make bathing suits for real women anymore. Have a great day,
Vickie

OH Mickey,

Too, too funny!  I may never wear my suit again......  a Hippopotamus who escaped from Dinsey's Fantasia.......  that's the description I've searched and searched for.......

Kathi

Hi Mickey: Today is my lst day I blogged something for this forum. Yours just made me laugh my head off and I printed it out to take to work tomorrow and to to read at my support group if i can get through it... Lora 13 will just LOL when i read it to her...You should be on the Last Comic Standing....Patricia Patton