body image distortions

Okay, so hubby and I went to old Van Buren, which is a tourist trap filled with antique and junk stores.  We went there to eat at a little diner where he likes their sandwiches and I their grilled chicken.  So, when we were leaving, I noticed a vintage/retro clothing/purse/shoe store, and while I have always known it existed, I was never the right size to go in and buy clothes off the rack.  Now it is expensive and hubby and I financially struggle during July because I am not teaching and don't get the money and we are paying almost a grand for rent and half grand for the up keep of our house plus utilities, well you guys all know.  So, hubby couldn't stand it that I was in there trying on clothes.  I had no intention of buying anything, I just wanted to put those large and medium size dresses and skirts on and celebrate that I could put them on.  So, I found a beautiful wrap around skirt and I wanted to buy it but it was a designer from the seventies and was over 200 bucks so I gently hung it back up and left the store with a green pair of shoes and a beautiful carpet bag.  For Christmas, going back and buying the skirt, if it is still there.  Now, here is the problem.  Hubby cannot get used to me wanting to dress up and look and not buy.  For so many years, if an outfit fit, I bought five or six of them and rarely ever wanted to try anything on, let alone come out of the dressing room and look in the mirrors.  So, we had this conversation:

can you not understand that I am liberated and need to validate who I am by trying on these clothes.  It is not that I'm going to buy the clothes.

he said, why do you have to do that.

well, because I am still not sure what I am like body wise.  I mean, I see myself in the mirror but I don't really see my size.  I am distorted in my body image and trying on those clothes allows me to get a grasp, if only for a little bit.

he said that's weird.

I said, it could be weirder, I could actually buy all those clothes. 

he grunted. 

and so we drove on down the road.

Joanie, I loved reading this. I found some more hope in your post. Yesterday I went to get some new shorts for summer. the 3x & 4x's  i have are too loose. But of course at the store the 2x's looked like they wouldn;t fit so I took 3'xs to go try on, my hubby asked what I was doing, said put the 3's back and try the 2x's. I was shocked the 2 x's fit! I thought maybe the 3's I had were just stretched out. This whole body image thing is hard to figure out. LOL! Paulette

Paulette,

I so know what you  mean.  When I weighed over 300 pounds, I saw myself smaller and now that I am under 200 pounds, I see myself much, much larger.  I guess our brains are slow to grasp the weight gain and the weight loss.

I fully understand what both you and Paulette are talking about. I hate to shop~I always have and probably always will. Now that we got that out of the way I find myself going to the larger size clothes too and then when they hang like gunny sacks I have to go down one size at a time until I am satisfied. I see myself totally different than what I am now. I see myself at 291 pounds and not the 196 I am now. It is hard to grasp that I wonder if we ever will. I really don't think I will until maybe when I get into the one size that I am going to stay at. I sure hope by then I will know what I am looking for. Bill tells me when we go look for clothes that I am not going to take that size and then he ends up being right. I hate that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I use my husband to give me an ideal of how big or small I am.  I'll see a person who think is my size and I'll ask, "Am I that size."  He is good about trying to help me see and he, too, always says that is way too big.  So, it's a good thing we have these men, even if they are a pain in the ass at times. LOL

Yes.... this is a crazy journey... I'm so enjoying being smaller again. I look at pictures of myself at 330 and realize that I was not seeing myself as being as fat as I actually was. I still felt like I was able to hide it to a large degree. What planet was I on?  Julia

Julia, I totally agree with you.  I see pictures and I think, "I loved that shirt because I thought it made me look svelte."  HA! Now I see I looked just plain fat.  There was no hiding it.  I'm a little bit sad too that it took so long for me to find this life saving surgery.  I could have been having a really good time all those years instead of trapped in a body that could do nothing athletic or fun like dancing. Jeannie, The day I could walk into the regular women's section and buy size sixteen pants I was absolutely floored.  Walking across that delineation line between the two departments was like crossing into another dimension. I tried on several in the dressing room from the plus size area and felt totally weird when I realized I don't belong there anymore.  Now I always have about 4 sizes over my arm to take to the dressing room.  I always end up with the smallest one.  But each time I do the same thing.  I'm still not believing it. Bev

Bev,

Leaving the plus sizes behind is so hard.  I try on and try on and then realize thaat I'm not going to get the right size and then I down size.   I don't think I will ever get used to looking at my face and not seeing the four chins. 

I was forever seeing my reflection in the front of stores and thinking who is that fat woman and now I see my reflection and think who is that cute chick. LOL  It sure takes our minds a while to catch up catch down. LOL

Our minds really do play tricks on us. I was a size 22/24 and am now a 2 or 3. I still thought I looked chubby!! That was until I was at my daughter's house. There were a few pics on her refrigerator. I glanced as I walked by and thought who is that little person. You guessed it...it was me!! I had no idea I was really that small...petite!!  Who me petite? Who would have ever thought that!! I finally get it now!! Hugs.....connie d