The "What's New" with me...

If you kow me this could be short and choppy or long and winded.  If you want to read you also know me..I say read. I fnot...I dont' care go on to tht next post. Last fall I left my job at the swim school. I loved it there and as good as they had been to me there were some "issues" with the office manager and as I could see it there was not going to be full time hours for me.  Since my 5 yr ol dwas in full time school I now needed to work full time. So I went back to driving school bus for Head Start.  Well, that was a good and bad thing all at once. I love driving bus.  I hate politics. I hate jerks who think they know everything. From the beginning idiot (he is named worse but I will call him idiot) was making sexual comments to me.  At first I didn't really "get it". I guess I am a bit naive.  They continued.  I just thought it was because he was from Mexico and it was his culture.  I talked to a friend and a co-worker. both said "cultural".  Set your boundries.  Well, I did and that didnt' help. I got a pair of the new 'thinning' jeans from Lane Bryant.  They were the smallest pair they had but because I like things NOT tight I went w/them. They were VERY slimming to be honest.  This was mid Nov. about a month and half after I started.  The first day - he noticed I had new p ants on and made a comment.  Igorned him.  Next day I worse something else..he told me "u shud wear ur new pants.."  As time went on his comments became more and more and worse and worse. One day...it just became to much.  I had a therapy appt.  It was with another new therapist (I must drive them otu or something because in 6 yrs time I  have went threw 4 different ones..now the 5th is due to have a baby anyday. go figure).  Anyway, I wasn't very comfortable with her yet but he had jsut said something to me that morning that was not good..I completely fell apart in her office.  Then had to go back to work.  Asshat idiot saw me and made comment that I looked "Not good". I told him the "Shut the f up and go lay down".  He was shocked because this was "not like me'.  Anyway, looonngggg story short.....I talked to my boss a few days later. My boss then talked to him ONLY used my name.  Idiot then comes back to me and threatens me....  Over the next few days some very dangerous passive aggressive things happen to me or my bus... I lost it again and blew up at my boss who told me I needed to go to HR.  That was the 2nd week of January. The next 2 months he harrassed me in a completely different way....I found another job... And quit pretty much on the spot. I gave noticed and then I needed to take a few mental health days and so i quit!!!! My new job...I love!!  THey love me. They tell me all the time...they love me.  I love them.  It is flexible. It is just a feel good place.  Of course there are some 'issues' with the job.  And as I am able to continue to grieve over the loss of our son 18 months ago I think that those "things" will get better.   We have heard nothing about our son. I do know he doesn't have a new family that has adopted him. I know this because ...well I can't really reveal how I know..I just know.  That breaks my heart and I wish with all my heart that he did.  We knew that it wouldn't happen. I was in the hospital in July w/an unknown illness and then got Pertusis/Whooping cough while I was in there. (not sure if I was on here and posted then or not). This lump in my breast has thrown me for a loop.  Depression wise I've not been to bad. I've maintained for sometime.  Anorexia wise - not an issue. While I worked at my last job I put on about 10-15 lbs from stress eating.  I go on Monday for the ultrasound. I'm scared to death.  I've asked myself over and over the last few days what I did to **** the man upstairs off.  If you have read my blog (or know the address) you will have read my post on that issue.   My heart is heavy...I can only hope and pray that htis is just another chapter to add to this book called life.   I will not forget reading different profiles and posts from women who had WLS and then find out a few months or years later they have breast cancer.  As morbid as it sounds I've thought several times in the last few months "what goes threw the minds of someone given this diagnosis...what went threw my co-worker who know has cancer in her brain...first breast...then liver...then...then...now Brain..she has weeks left to live...what went threw her her head the day her doctor told her...she found a lump...what went threw her head the week she had to wait for the u/s and testing"..  Well, I'm now living that same thing and I can tell you it is really hard. I know how hard it is for me.. My poor mom - she has taken FMLA because her mom is dying. She has been given days to live.  She asked me tonight "will they do surgery on you right away monday?"  I told her I seriously doubt it and that she can rest....and not worry.   Enough rambling....my hand is sweaty. Gala

Gala, I don't have words and I'm never out of words. I'm so glad to see your post. I have missed you and wondered how you and your family were doing. This thing called life requires so much strength and courage. Those are qualities that I've never felt I had much of. However, when I have to muster up, I am often amazed at what is down deep inside of me just waiting to be called up. May you find the strengh and courage to handle life on a daily basis. That is all we can do. Worrying about the future, fretting about the past. . . spilt milk. Just exhausts us and takes away the energy that we need for today. This being said, I know how hard, darn near impossible it seems at times. Lean on anyone that you can find who will listen to you. Sometimes just having that shoulder to lean on, that person to confide your fears to will help you to sort things out. You're in my thoughts. Please don't be a stranger. Karen C

Hi Gala,               First of all, the job thing....how sad that there are people like your former co-workers out there. The good news..what goes around, comes around.  He will have his day!  And as it happens, you are out of there, and that window closed so this new door can open...your new job is a gem.  Enjoy it! The stuff with your son...I know too well how painful the situation is!  It probably never heals in your heart, you just have to find a way to cope.  Time will change the  intensity of the grief, but when you think about him, it is perfectly okay to feel your feelings.  I still do, and it has been 14 years! Your medical situation..that is a tough one.  But since you are aggressive with getting answers and being proactive with your moving forward, I believe that things will work out.  Rely on your faith, and lean on your friends!  Breast cancer is actually treatable and curable. That should be enough to keep you positive and hopeful.  Your "morbid" thoughts are normal.  Just try to substitute "living" thoughts in their place. Sometimes meditation and imagery can help.  I wish you luck, strength and all the good  prayers of healing that I can muster.  Please keep us posted and accept my cyber hugs! Lora                   

Dang Gala. I can just feel how down you are. I am very angry that the bus situation got as bad as it did. He  should have been fired, not you have to leave. It doesn't sound to me like you had support.  Today is Monday so please please let us now how the ultra sound comes out. You are in my prayers..Huggsssssss