fears.....this could get heavy folks.....

do you have them? do you face them? how? i have really pondered this for a very long time and i think i am afraid to be successful at this weight loss thing...for a few reasons... one-it costs less to just "stay" in the same clothes....oh i know thrift stores and trading clothes etc...but it really does cost money to lose weight --there's the undies the shoes the tops the bottoms the dresses...the whole shebang.... so when the economy was /IS! bad...stay where ya are , margo, don't rock the boat and don't lose weight.... even fat foods cost less..pasta and rice and all of those easy carb foods...protein..in any form is more costly...fact. two-once upon a time; this lil 5'1" frame weighed 99# and had perky lil tatas and could wiggle when she walked and was a true tease...for fun...my fun!!!!!! so there is a fear factor that maybe if i lose all of my excess weight and get to where I want to be( which is NOT 99#!!!! )  i might start the flirting /teasing game back up and i am now quite married....when i was down closer(within 25#!!!)  to goal (before m got sick in 2005) i was already starting to feel some of these feelings and it scared me.....then he got sick and i was sure God was punishing us for my thoughts..... three-this one is difficult to articulate properly---when i was growing up, i remember that we never "wanted" for anything-not wealthy but never "poor"...tho--the kitchen cupboards were quite empty --no pantry no larder no "in case"---and the frig and freezer were quiet the same...mom shopped every weekend until i took over in high school ...so do i possibly surround myself with excesses of food because of that??? i do know that during the late 70's early 80's my first hub and i did hoard due to the ever  looming "layoff".....after all we had three young kids to feed and food stamps only went so far IF you qualified for them..... there are obviously other "issues" to my over eating or not eating properly--we all have them...however; these fears are real in me..prior to wls i had the fear of someday becoming diabetic or of heart problems--oh my--when m had his quad bypass...i kept thinking it should have been me on that table --he was always healthy-workaholic farm boy-- i was sedentary...we both did food damage to our hearts but it shoulda been me--well-thank God it wasn't but.... one of my biggest issues is that i am simply lazy and undisciplined as to what goes into my mouth..and for exercise...and i passed the presurgery psyche eval with flying colors !!!! but this post isn't about those things! do i face my fears? i am trying to...how?? i cannot afford therapy--i have no health insurance...and i cannot seem to find an OA group within 30 miles of me...many of you understand my feelings but it isn't enough...... i was/am considered a lightweight meaning i had just ( or less than)  100# to lose with surgery--at my one year visit i was considered successful by my surgeon--i had lost almost 80# of my excess weight and i was doing well.... what happened???? michael got deathly sick and i stress eat--did my stress whatever it's called hormone cause this???what is it cortisol???? i wasn't even overeating so much as piling tons of stuff on that take out salad at the hospital....i KNOW how to eat properly and what to cook and i don't drink with meals or for 30 minutes after and i try not to snack and graze-watch out for mini pretzels folks-they will trick you and lull you into false security!!!!!! and the stresses now with michael's health and then add money issues on top-wow--just getting thru the day somedays ...today is promising to be one of those judging by what i woke up to with him...i just keep asking God for strength but i need to take care of margo in this battle..... anyone wanna share their fears or coping skills..........if the fears are too hard to share, i understand and respect that...but-use this post as "food for thought"!

Margo, Fears? - I am filled with them Do I face them? I take a peek but seldom conquer any Failure is one fear. Not just about weight loss but any/everything I do in life. If I can't do it 150%, I hate to try. That fear stops me from attempting to get out of my cosy box far too often. How do I cope with this constant fear? By having frequent panic attacks and bouts of depression. Not by choice but by overload. The pressures of life bottle up inside and eventually spew out in one form or another. You'd think after years of therapy I would remember to let it out gradually and avoid the mental diahrea. Self inflicted because I don't feel I deserve better? Don't know the answer to that one. I can't begin to write all my fears. It would take several books to get them in print. Snakes, fast cars, heights, close places, crowds, strangers, public speaking, airplanes, being alone, the dark, getting lost, not having enough money, my health, Tom's health, thunder, losing a loved one, the list is endless...and stupid! The coping skills take a mere sentence. ---> not well. Each day is a battle to get out of bed and face the world. Most people think I am happy and well adjusted. Not true, I am an actress who paints the happy face and pretends to be strong.  Each day I plan to do ONE THING and do it well, no matter how big or small. Accomplishing that 'one thing', makes my day and I can move on with life.  That's about all the soul baring from me for today.  Thanks - I think Love, Annette

ya know; i thought about you and that box of yours when i typed this post--and i am sorry if it causes you any pain to answer this-cuz that is not my intent!! oh annettte;;i so love having had the chance to meet you in person and hug you and get to know you better... i have many mnay more fears than i mentioned here --and many of them are self esteem issue type things- failure type things--why were we brought up to be such perfectionist ppl???? why was that encouraged so much in our upbringing --to dream the impossible dream..... it seems to be very much a generational thing.... i sometimes "blame" many of my upbringing issues on my alcoholic adopted mother-she isn' t here anymore so it is easy to blame her--and some say that i blame things on the fact that i was adopted--i beg to differ there cuz i have to truly thank God for the fact that my birth mother did not raise me--while i thank that same God for allowing me to find her; i am grateful for the chances that i had during my youth that she could not have offered me had she raised me...yet i know that i need to take ownership of stuff--and i blame things on the generation in which i grew up--"if it feels good ,,,,do it"--aha!!!! well....ok  nuff said there!!!! ok--a pattern--i need to not "blame"....that's on my list of to dos for today!!! annette...thank you ...and know that i am here hugging you even thru your box!!!!!!!

Margo, Thanks for the hug. I felt it though the box. Don't worry, I wouldn't have responded if this was too uncomfortable.  There is not always a "blame",  some things just ARE. Make sense? It was MY pleasure to meet you. We will have to do it again.

I used to wish I WAS adopted, my mom did a head trip on me, I still hear her words almost everyday of my life!

my adopted mom--every nite at the dinner table --"you'll never amount to anything; you'll be just like your mother"--well i sometimes stcik my tongue out at her when i think of the positive sthat i have accomplished and the people  who i call friend... linda...isn't it a shame that our parents never realized that children learn what they live.... hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!

Girl!! Our bio reads the SAME!! Now I know we are sisters!!! We are way too much alike, including the coping by doing ONE thing right in a day!! I love you, you touch my heart and soul.

Margo, Good post . . . My fear is that I won't even come close to making goal, as my progress is so gawd awful slow, that like all the other things I tried before, I will one day get thoroughly disgusted throw up my hands and start eating what I want to when I want to, which would be a bad thing for sure.  The way I deal with that thought process, most days, is not to pay it too much attention, but talk it through with others or find humor in it, because it shows me just what an uphill battle addiction can be.   My years in recovery have taught me that addiction is a disease, you can put it in remission, but the disease lives with each breath I take, because it is my thinking process and how I react (or don't) to those thoughts.  So if I address it one day at a time, most days, at least right now, I am in remission from the active part of hurting me based on my thought processes.   I don't believe God punishes us and that He only wants what is best for us, but just like a parent wants what's good for their children, at a certain point, there is nothing more a parent can do, because the child grows up and makes their own decisions, it breaks a parents heart when those choices cause pain, but a good parent recognizes that they've given their children the skills to make those choices and steps aside.  That is how I see my God and since He wants what is best for me, I am practicing allowing the best that life has to offer into my world.   They say fear is a lack of faith, I believe fear is a human reaction to the inability to see what lies ahead, but if we keep pursuing positive thinking, and shoo away the negative, then the positive begins to show up more and more.  I not only believe that, I see the evidence of it in my life today.  I've shared some of my darker times with some of you, so you know I am not blowing smoke when I speak of such things, today my life is a direct result of believing that I have what it takes, in spite of what my disease tells me, I am a worthwhile and good person, not without my human shortcomings, but I will not let FEAR rob me of more time and life. Hugs, Laureen

you, sweetheart, have a wonderful outlook on this whole scheme of things!!!!! and that is one of the things that has always drawn me to you!!!!! not to put any undue pressure on you --however--you always tend to bring me up when i am down...you help me to really think about what is wrong and how i want to deal with it....you help me to remember my own self worth.... i have worked very very hard these last few months at retaining positive thoughts --and you know how hard it is for me with michael and his negativity some days... as for your gawd awful slow losing--that actually can be a good thing--meaning that your body will maybe not rebound quickly should you veer off course....your scale may not show your loss but it's there!!!!  thank you for your post........

Margo, If I help you in the littlest ways, than I am happy to do so. As for pressure, I feel no pressure, because I've come through the other side of things and am comfortable being me today and all I ever offer is that which comes through my own life experiences and only when I am asked or invited to offer it, for what I've come to learn is that when offering advice to people whose mind and hearts are not open to receive it, well then it is often misunderstood and causes more pain than help.  As the expression goes,  "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". . . and I am not being arrogant in thinking I am anyone's teacher, just that I can offer what I have already been through if it applies to a given situation.  As we've come to know, you and I, share some commonalities. . .  and I've also learned not to judge another unless I have walked in their shoes, which is not to say I like everyone, but respect goes further than liking people. Hugs and much love dear friend!  Laureen