OT-Teenager Issue

My son turned sixteen this week - yikes! He's a great kid. He's a good student, nice to be around, got raves from his elderly relatives he went to visit this summer. I think he is very mature for his age and I do trust him. BUT....I know he is sixteen and a male. The issue is the Oregon law that new drivers under age eighteen cannot drive with other minors in the car other than immediate family. A great law! He does not have his license yet, but one of his good female friends just got hers (and a brand new car for her sixteenth birthday). My son said he and this girl and her best friend were going to hang out today. They have been doing that all summer so I said "great". Then came the realization that they were coming over to our house and he thought they would then head out in this girls car. Normally, my son gets everywhere on public bus, including these friends that live a town away. Prior to this we had already had conversations in preparation for him getting his liscense about this subject. As in..."if you break this law and are caught either by the police or us, your driving days will be over for a LONG time". He had alluded that nobody adheres to it, you say your driving with your "cousin", etc. Of course it made me uneasy, and I warned him he had better not break this law. I don't know these girls parents the way I used to know the parents when he was little and they all lived on our block. I know they are very nice and I could talk to them. Of course my son is acting like these parents know they are doing this and are O.K. (I'm sure NOT!). I explained that if I knowingly let him walk down our sidewalk and waved goodbye as he got in this car and then something happened (got caught or worse in a crash!) that I would have to answer to these parents. He's so mad that because he was honest now I am freaking out on him. He is horrified and mad that I have said I am going to talk to their parents. He can't believe that I am saying that when they come over that then when they leave I am suggesting he go down to the bus stop and try to coordinate with them for wherever they are going. I realize that by taking this stand I am pretty much saying "pretend you are taking the bus and then get picked up around the corner". Geeeez! I am not of the mind that since teenagers drink I would rather they be allowed to drink in my home since I will know where they are and that they are safe. I've heard that one and just can't condone the behavior. I praised his honesty, but said that if he was honest and said "mom I'm going to shoot crack" that wouldn't mean I would say "go ahead - at least you told me". I have a feeling this is going to be a long year. Any advice from parents of teenagers on how you enforced this law in your household? I'm not going to give in to his logic about being forced to go underground with it, but I do see how to him it does seem like logic. If he was in a car I would want it to be these girls vs. any of his male friends. I have to admit that as a teenager I lied thru my teeth, and did very unsafe things that I am horrified about when I look back at it now. My parents were clueless. I'm not afraid to be the bad guy, but I am looking for realistic. Patty

Hi Patty, Altough I am not a parent, my teenage years were only a few years ago! My mom and I have the best relationship of any mom/daughters I know. Mom told me a few of the wild things she had done. That made me she she wasnt such an old fuddy duddy and that every once in a while she, Mrs. Responsible, had fun. My opinion only, but if driving around with some girls is the worst he is doing or will do, then you migt be in for an easy year. If you let him leave and he gets pulled over and says that he is driving with his cousin, some cops might call and verify, then he would be in worse trouble. Tell him that they CAN call parents and verify. The worst my mom ever did is the whole I am dissapointed in you. She also told me that she did not agree with what I was doing. She would let me go, but with the warning that if the police or an accident was involved, I was done. Again, I am not a parent, and I was a relatively good kid. I also trusted my mom when she said anytime you are some place not safe, you can call me and I will come get you and she did once. I KNOW she was biting her tounge, but she honored what she said. She was also consistant. If it was 12 on Friday, then it was 12 on all Fridays (except for Prom). She once tried to make me believe that at 18 I still had a curfew. Good Luck! He could also be going through the "I am bored" summer phase and need some drama!! Sarah

We all did dumb stuff as teens, whatever we could get away with. I have found that you can't be with them 24 hrs. a day. If you've instilled good values in them and have good communication with your teen ( ok, who just said "Yeah, Right!") ? , you will put the ball in their court with the skill to shoot straight. But even though kids will be kids, you still don't have to dangle the carrot in front of them by giving too much leeway. That means sometimes you will have to be the bad guy. And you know that at that age they know everything and think it will never happen to them. You with experience know it very well could. So sometimes you just have to put your foot down . I remember one time my daughter got in trouble and scolded me by saying" Hey, I'm just a kid. You're the adult. You're supposed to keep me from doing these things." And she ate those words for awhile ha ha. But it's true. I believe more teens are killed in auto accidents than any other cause. And it's usually with their friends while doing dumb things. Drinking, racing, and speeding, to name a few Oregonian articles I've read on accidents. So protect your child the best you can, so you may not have regrets later. Jerry

Thanks for your comments guys! It's nice to have a place to go and admit I'm confused, because I sure ain't letting my son in on that one. At least we have armed him with long and detailed conversations about our beliefs and expectations on these subjects. This is where a bit of hope and a prayer come into play...and an increase in the grey streak growing on my temple! At least I have enough hair as a post-op to see the grey. Patty

Patty, I think that you don't have as long to stress as you think you do. As I understand it, the restriction on other teens in the car is only 6 months. My son got his lisence 2 months ago and most of his friends have in the last year. I am more concerned with him driving with his sisters in his car because he is more likely to get into an involved arguement with them and not concentrate on driving than with his friends! Stick to what you know is right! I know how hard it is because we go through the same thing EVERY DAY!! And our daughter will be 16 in November and we will have the same arguments all over again!! Good luck! Patrice

You are so right Patrice....the arguements with his sisters are much more of a danger! At least with peers he can't seem quite so dominant about the radio station. The year my kids were one, three and five was tough. I knew the next time it would be that tough is when they turned thirteen, fifteen and seventeen. I've got another year! Patty

Patty, I do have a couple of thoughts about your boy that I just can't let go. I have one that is 18 on the 9th and another that is 15 (permit time!) on the 1st. You may need to take this in a different direction. You MAY need to call the girls' parents, just to let them in on your suspicions. Get them on your side. If the girls had an accident with your son in the car, not only would you have to answer to them, but they(the parents) would be financially LIABLE to you and yours. That should be a fear instilled in them and the girls as well. Kirk cannot take anyone in the car unless related to family, and his girl lives 5 miles away. Of course, this rule changes on Sept. 9. He will be 18. I go way out of my way each time he wants her to come over....I go and get her and bring her home. You may have to, too, so that he can understand how important this rule is to you. Other than that, our only other option would be to have a locator chip installed in him. I wonder if they are on the market yet? Wouldn't that solve a lot of parents' problems? I, too, was a wild one. I kind of feel sorry for this generation of kids........"Been there, done that, and no, don't even THINK about it." Poor things. "Oh, yeah, and I'm watching every move."

Good points Rose! I especially agree about accommodating - sometimes more than I really want to. Like in it's 11:30 and want to be in my jammies, but instead am heading out to pick him up with "not a problem" attitude. I try to reward the fact that he calls "just checking in" with an offer to come pick him up (and check out the scene). The locator chip is probably already out there, but I will never be able to use technology against this teenager! He's so ahead of me! I think we have a total edge over our parents with the advent of the cell phone. It's a big assist for us parents, although they are probably pulling stuff over on us (like knowing it's us calling with a special ring tone to warn them!). I can't imagine my parents were so clueless.....maybe because I was the sixth and youngest they were just tired out!?! I do know that as bad as my shenanigans were...I was always pretty true to myself. Like you say - don't even think about it cause I'm no dummy on this stuff! Patty