Self Image Question

I have a question for fellow pre-ops or even post-ops. I am currently in the process of getting hopefully a dunodenal switch surgery. I'm 25 years old and I have 2 young boys, Jared, 5 months and Jordan turning 2 next week! I'm about 5'10" (somewhere between 5'10" and 5'11") and I'm not sure exactly what I weigh due to avoiding the scale but it's around 370. My question is, has/does anyone else isolate themselves from other people because of their weight? I do have self esteem issues, have for a long time and I know that plays into it as well. When I have tried to make friends people pick up on my self esteem problems and that I'm uncomfortable with my weight and it just doesn't seem to work out. The only friend I have has known me since I was 18 (was smaller then). I don't really have any friends, I have the 1 friend but he wants to go out and I am so uncomfortable. I only go out mainly if I have to, grocery shopping, errands, sometimes I'll take the kids to the park. Other than that I don't really go out. I am despairing about my lack of friendships and I know a big part of it is because of my weight and how I feel about myself (tied together). It's also just hard for me to get around physically and I find myself embarrased when I walk up a flight of stairs and I'm out of breath. I went over to my parents the other day and my stepdad said "you're out of breath just from bringing the kids in?" I was kinda mad about that comment but anyways, YES, I can hardly do anything without serious effort, not to mention the pain I feel, my back, my feet, my hips, etc. All of this leads to me isolating myself. I don't want to, I look outside at the nice weather lately and I wish I could go out and be FREE of this morbidly obese body and be COMFORTABLE and not have to constantly shift around and tug on my clothes, etc. I have been FAT for so long I don't know what it's like not to be. I have lost weight on some diets, only to stall or gain it back, but.. I don't know sorry for the long rant. Summer is going to be here soon and it just reminds me more of how reclusive and sad and in pain (not just physical) I am. Am I alone? I am looking for a friend too.. someone I can hang out with, someone I can talk to. Someone who understands, who knows what I'm going through. Feeling alone, Brianna

Hey there!! You are not alone, although, it is something that you are going to have to work on...and it is hard work! There is no denying that this surgery will help you with energy and not having to tug on clothes, but what I taught myself to remember is that we are all people. We all have an ISSUE...yours is that you feel inadequate, less than others. Someone else who is size 0 may have that same feeling of inadequacy, and we all know how to pick up on that un-easy feeling...making it hard for us to really want to be around all that negativity. I think it is great that you do have one friend, maybe you could start somewhere...do you have a church, a mother's group, maybe someone like a neighbor even? You don't have to start big, just a conversation about anything, like something you admire in that other person, then you could exchange a little personal information at a time and build on that? You need to remind yourself throughout all of this that negative talk and worrying about how you look or whether the other person likes you, will send out the wrong kind of energy...keep telling yourself, hey, this is ok, I am ok...it may be weird at first, but tell yourself things you do like about yourself and your appearance, like your hair looks good that day, or you think the new perfume you have smells great and makes you feel happy, or you took the time to do a great make-up job...just repeat positive, calming things to yourself, and the right "friend" will come along, when you make friends with yourself first. Sit in the sun, even just 10 minutes a day, and you can tell yourself, I enjoyed the day! It's an accomplishment...I know, I've had to do that alot in my life, one foot in front of the other... And don't forget about us!! WE CAN HELP BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN THERE!! Peace and Love, HEather in Albany

I know I need to work on my self-image, obese or not. I know some people have self image issues even if they are small. I know having the surgery won't magically fix my self image. I do need to start thinking more positively about myself and I will try, it IS harder though being the weight I am to do this. Thank you for your response and support it means a lot to me it's good to know I"m not alone, even though I feel that way

Brianna - You are pretty close in bmi then to what I was at my high. I know exactly how you feel. I isolated myself quite a bit. Always felt uncomfortable around people even though I normally am an outgoing type of person. I avoided situations every single day and I find that I still have a reflex to do that, even though I can stop myself and switch gears now. Heck, I know before my surgery just sitting around and talking to the troopers that would come into dispatch became hard for me because I was always self-conscious of how I looked sitting there. Having seen a couple pictures of myself seated did the trick for me....made me never want to be seen again. I started feeling like I wanted to shrink into the corner an be ignored.....and I was always the one wanting all the attention years ago. I do feel different now. I know that I may reflex to being self-conscious, but I have conscious thoughts that can override that. I know now that there are times I look really good and I just feel relieved that I don't have to constantly tug on my clothing or sit perched an uncomfortable way in order to look less lumpy. For me my online friends provided the companionship I needed for years. I cannot count the groups I've belonged to online. Church got me to where I knew a few people and was comfortable doing things like working on scrapbooks with them, etc. If I could be involved with other women who had a weight problem, it was easier. Now I have a friend I met at my wls support group locally, plus I have met others who I have become friendly with in various ways. I have to remind myself sometimes, but I have that conscious thought of "Well, I'm not so abnormal now. I may not be skinny, but I'm not over the top - and I clean up well." I wish we were closer because I really feel for you. I'd be your friend! Boy do I know how it feels.....and the thing to remember is that there are a lot of women out there who know how you feel. Start with online groups and you'll see....maybe you can find someone local that shares some of these things in common that you can meet up with. Just know that you are NOT alone. Most of us have been at that spot. If you haven't started going to your wls support groups locally, I urge you to start doing so now. It can make a world of difference! Dina

Thank you so much for your reply Dina. I'm sorry you felt as uncomfortable as I do. I'm glad you were able to have the surgery and are on the losing side, you look GREAT! I hope to make some friends, I'm going to the weight loss surgery support group at OHSU on Tuesday night. Maybe I can meet some people there Thanks again for your reply

Brianna, You are not alone in your feelings! Just a year ago, I was walking in a very similiar pair of shoes. When any event came up - either something I had to do (kids conferences, pitching in at a church event etc.) or something I should have wanted to do (invited to a friends BBQ, talking to other moms at the park etc.) my first and strongest feeling was the dread of how my huge self would handle getting through the event. Over time, after experiencing all of the feelings you mention, I got more and more inclined to only participate in the things I really had to. I am sure my feelings of self esteem were at a real low, but it was mostly the physical discomfort (sweating when no one else was, being winded by just getting in the door and to my seat, exceeding the size of chairs, aisles and booths) that really made me so resistant. I was so loved unconditionally by my family (three young kids and husband) that I felt a lot of joy and was really busy. It was when I was forced out of my usual narrow routine.... like when I had to attend my husbands works Xmas party, or stay a a hotel out of town for a gym meet of my daughters, that I would realize how big and miserable I was. My daughter is a gymnast, and many of the meets are held in gyms that have ceiling to floor walls of mirrors. Talk about suddenly seeing yourself in a crowd looking huge! You are much more aware of how your weight is affecting your physical and emotional self than I was pre-op. I was pretty good at denial, and it hasn't been until I have become free of some of those things that I really have grieved how much pain I was in. There are lots of problems that were in my life, that are still right here, even though I am a normal weight. I work on them, and my self esteem issues. I do feel though, that I am free of the nightmare I was living dealing with my morbid obesity. It was taking so much out of me, and I feel so much more available to myself and my family, because I am not constantly having to psych myself up to just get through things. As a young mom, there will be lots of opportunities to meet moms and families. Finding that common ground, helped me push through my inclination to pass on things. Keep your chin up, and always feel free to talk to us about things. Good luck on your progress. Patty

Thank you Patty for your reply I'm glad you have supportive family! I hope that after I lose a lot of this weight, I can be physical with my kids. RIght now I can only do so much, which isn't much for my kids. I want to be active and healthy, nd for once, feel alive!