been M.I.A.

Hey everyone.. I have been crazy busy with life.. ya know how it goes! I have been checking in to see how everyone is doing but like dina said in an earlier post if I can't reply to all I don't want to reply to one.. I'm still struggling trying to get my biz going, have had major drama with my teenage daughter, I'm trying to date, meet new people and have some what of a social life. (unlike the fat me!) fighting off the winter depression, and on and on and on.. uuggghhhh life!! the past week all I have wanted to do is eat comfort foods and hibernate like the old me!! NOPE.. not good!! I have joined a few online groups for socializing (not dating, but meeting people.. women as well as men) that's been good for me becuase I never want to become isolated again.. that was a small reason for my major depression as well as why I gained alot of the weight.. I've still fighting the gain/loose crap going on.. I am at the point where I think my body never wants to see anything lower than 146. (my brain wants 135ish) I finnaly caved in and went shopping for brand new clothes. (no more value villiage hand me downs) got 2 new pairs of jeans one is a size 8 one is a size 10.. 2 new long skirts size 8. and some sweaters and shirts that are all mediums.. on paper that all looks and seems WONDERFUL.. in my wildest dreams I never for the life of me would have thought I would be buying 8/10's.. but my sick, diseased, obessed mind still tells me this isn't good enough. I justify the craziness becuase the sizes are bigger than they were when a size 8/10 meant something to me.. (some 20 years ago) now I am 19 months out... I lost all my weight in the first 10 months. every day since has been a huge battle. every day I tell myself NO carbs and every day I fail.. I can honestly see how easy it would be to gain every pound back plus some.. and that's why I FREAK when I see the scale go up to 157 (happend last week.. now I am back down to 149) I will never again in my life be with out my scales.. it's too easy to ignore it and get right back into that old frame of mind.. ok I have rambled on long enough.. how the heck is EVERYONE else.. come out and play with me and let me know how your doing!! Theresa

Theresa! It is so good to see you again! Your humor and perspective are always welcome here. With my family, the "ready to kill em/worried it will be O.K." phases cycle through the group. My son had us going last spring, this fall it's my youngest daughter having true anxiety over starting fifth grade. I just wish everyone would be really, really, good - all at once - for just a little while. Losing the weight definately does not make the problems go away. I do feel that not having the burden of my health/weight issues on top of it all is a HUGE difference. I am enjoying my progress. Regular department store XL, weigh 195, down from 225. It is the BEST! Still, I understand the mind games of being a formerly super morbidly obese person. I have been having a heck of a time getting a picture to update my profile, because every time I see them I think I look so fat! If there is one place I shouldn't worry about being judged, it is here with you guys! Jeez! I sent one off today, to heck with it! It is good that you are keeping your eye on yourself, but really, you are such a success! You have so much on your plate, taking care of yourself has got to fit in there too. I am enjoying the idea of your new clothes. Good for you! Patty

Patty - Just wanted to say I can't WAIT until I see your new picture up there! I still have your email saved to respond to when I get home too, by the way! Dina

Hi patty, that's so funny about thinking you'd be judged on here of all places.. *but* I do understand totaly!! I havn't updated my pic's.. LOL.. I do have some on my WWW though. (horible at updating that too) with my daughter I should be GREATFUL that she waited until she is almost 17 before starting to rebel and pulling away.. I was "13" when I started putting my mom through hell.. all is calm now but man nothing brings me down like fighting with her. The cold is killing me too.. I thought my body would adjust by now but it hasn't. last winter was hell for me and now this one isn't even here yet and my hands and feet get so cold that they go numb. I can now understand what "bone chilling" means!! If I lived alone It wouldn't be so horrible but I want to crank the heat on and everyone else in the house is sweating buckets.. here I go rambling again.. nice to hear from ya. Theresa

Theresa - You've been missed here. We've all sort of dropped out of sight. I'm sorry to hear you have had so much stress and depression going on, but hopefully you'll get on an even keel soon. I can't believe you haven't bought new clothing until now. I have gotten some Value Village stuff but generally I'm shopping the clearance racks and buying for my next size down for the next season....if that makes sense! LOL! You sound as neurotic as I am about the weight. I went through a period last week where NOTHING could satiate me. I counted my calories up one day and it was over 1700. I just couldn't stop myself. I went on for about 3 days like that. My pouch works fine, by the way - it's just that I was on a grazing frenzy. I couldn't stop. And crap. Whatever wasn't good for me that wouldn't make me dump was in my mouth. Thankfully I do dump. I am thinking what happened was I wasn't aware of it then, but I think I was PMSing. I got my period this week (big ugh...owie!), so in retrospect it makes sense. I also am starting to break out of my 3 week stall, so hopefully that will brighten my outlook as well. But I'm still struggling to see that 100 lb loss. I was hoping by my 8 month anniversary which will be Wednesday, but I don't think I'll drop the 5.5 lbs in a couple days. It's happened before but I'm not holding my breath. I'm so happy you posted. I know I won't be able to respond to everyone right now as I'm on break at work, but I wanted to get this in. I was "saving" your post to respond to and figured "what the heck...do it now!" No time like the present huh? Dina

hey dina, I have spent a whopping 60.00 on new clothes until now!! LOL... (not including underware and bra's those are always new.. LOL.. and EWWW!!!) it was a mind game I was playing with myself.. kinda like blackmail at myself.. I felt if I didn't alow myself nice new clothes I would keep loosing weight!! well, my weight has been the same for almost a year now. (give or take 7 pounds) so I finnaly said screw it.. remember we talked about this a cople of months ago and you told me then to get my butt out there and get some new clothes? LOL.. (you said it much nicer of corse) Your doing great at the weight loss.. your not even a year out and close to the 100 pound mark.. and yes, your problem is the same as mine.. GRAZING.. I don't eat anything with sugar but if it's healthy I can eat it all dam day long.. and the week of PMS?? oh please!! lock the food up away from me!! I still can't eat large quanties (4 oz of hard protien *or* 8 oz of soft food) but I can eat all day long. biz is finnaly picking up for me I hope.. man what a struggle.. anyhoo, glad to hear from ya and I hope we can all find a few min. a week to post and say HELLO to each other.. Theresa

Theresa - Remind my feeble old mind what it is you do for a business? I cannot for the life of me remember!!! Dina

hey dina, I'm not to sure your mind "IS" feeble as I don't know if I have ever truely explained it.. LOL I have a licensed adult care home for upto 5 elderly and or disabled clients. I take them into my home and care for them 24/7. I am a level 2 home but soon to be a level 3. I have done this type of work for years but my references were in florida so I couldn't get the level 3 from the licnesor until I "proved" myself.. LOL level 3 means I can take care of more than one person needing total care. my one little lady is a level 3 client so I was able to get the exception to prove my abilities. ok, so immagine an 88 yr old needing the same type of care an infant would need!! (only infants are easier as there skin doesn't break down and they are small and easy to handle) explain it for ya? it's hard work, it's decent money, and I am good at it. it also alows me to be home and know where my teenagers are and what they are doing.. (as best as one human CAN... LOL) Theresa

All I can say, is YOU GO GIRL, and in a few years, will ya be ready to go again with me? LOL! Brandi