How do you get a partner to understand ?

I started seriously researching and considering WLS at least 4 months ago. I didn't tell anyone until I was reasonably sure I wanted to do it. I finally explained it all to my boyfriend (BF) of 2.5 years. I'll be as brief as possible, but I want to put a little of our history in this: We met thru an online dating service. I was recently divorced (after 14 years) and he has pretty much been a heavily dating bachelor most of his life. He was married several years ago, for 2 years, due to the birth of his child they tried to make a go of it. When we met, I had already lost 121 lbs on my own thru lifestyle changes (eating right and exercising). He wasn't sure he wanted to continue because I looked so much like his ex and had a substantial amount of weight to still lose, just like his ex...I've struggled all my life. After 3 dates, he decided I was "the one" and wanted to be exclusive...he'd never done that in all his years of being single. We both agreed to do so. So, I knew up front from our numerous talks that my weight was a big issue for him. He has said all along that everything else is so right about me that he wanted to be with me. I felt so determined I would get the rest off, and he could see I was doing everything the right way. He was as convinced as I was! I did lose more weight in the next year, but not nearly what I expected. I lost closer to 30 lbs and I expected to be closer to my goal of 150 lbs! Then I plateaued. I fought it for six months (changing my workouts and eating) and didn't budge. Then I grew frustrated and quit working out so much. He has become frustrated with me. When I approached him about WLS, I had my facts lined up...the success rates with and without surgery, what it takes to be successful at it, what the surgery entails....everything. I told him I had decided I wanted to pursue this for ME. I had already determined I would be doing this, regardless of whether I was w/him or not....so I was not doing this for him. I have told him it's important to me to have his support. He told me he would support me...take care of me when I recover and keep the house and the kids going (3 teens from our marriages). I told him I expected that, but I meant emotionally. He said he could do that. There was a show on WLS, I told him I was planning on watching it...but he never came down to watch it w/me. He did attend the orientation w/me. Then they repeated the above mentioned show and he did watch it w/me. Other than that, he has not gone to any meetings, not read any paperwork I have, not looked at any websites w/me and has not met anyone who's had the surgery....as I have. He also repeatedly points out people who have lost weight w/out surgery (on TV or whatever). He does not like the idea of physically altering my insides and being so restricted. He feels it's to drastic. I do not feel emotionally supported by his constant reiteration that "you can do this on your own...just excercise 7 days a week, harder and cut your diet back a little more". For me, requiring myself to excercise 7 days a week is restrictive..4-5 is fine, like I'm doing, but taking care of 3 kids (4 including him!) and working 9 hour days and keeping a household.....7 is not a level I'm willing to do.....what time will I have left? Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, but that's how I feel. He's big on excercise....I'd say he was fanatical before we lived together. That's fine for him....but not for me! How do I get him to understand that the chance of having this weight off for good and being a "normal" size and not physically hurting in my joints, my feet and back is SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth the surgery and the restrictive diet? Do any of you have words of wisdom to really explain to him? You guys are the ones who understand where I'm coming from, so I hope you can give me insight. Thank you so much for any advice! Michele

Hi Michele, WOW!! That is a lot to deal with. When I started my journey almost 3 years ago, I told my husband what I wanted to do. At first, he was not real happy about it. When we started going to more meetings and dr. appt's, he became more comfortable with the idea of my insides being rearranged. We had a real "heart to heart" and he confided that he was worried about me dieing on the table, not so much the afterwards part, which he was worried about too. He had seen my gain so much weight over the 7 years together, that he was worried about me afterwards and my ability to keep it off. Having the surgery is a hard decision to make and a harder thing for people who have never had to struggle with weight. I have also talked to other people and their b/f's didn't want them to have the surgery because, for THEM it would be admitting there was a problem they couldn't fix, or that there was even a problem to begin with. Explain to him that it is important for him to go to meetings and be there at appts and watch programs with you. Not only will the dr's like that, but the emotional support is soo CRUCIAL!! I know that with out Matt I wouldn't be doing as well as I have been. I wish you the best of luck. Please feel free to email if you need to talk more!! Sarah RNY 2-16-04 -80 (102 total)

Sarah, Thank you for what you had to say. I totally agree....he needs to support me emotionally. I also feel my success will be better if he's on my side, rather than just "tolerating" my decision. I have my surgeon's consult on next week and I asked him if he was going to go with me and he said he hadn't planned to. I guess I should just get a spine and tell him I "want" him to go. The other part that bothers me is that we've come close to breaking up a few times over my not losing the weight. He has said that he should be able to love me unconditionally and he hasn't. He's held back because of the weight, and he knows it's not right. The only reason I did not walk away from the relationship was because I wasn't happy with my weight either. If I wasn't happy or accepting of my weight...how could I expect him to be? That's the only reason I accepted it at the time. If was satisfied with my weight...I would have expected him to accept it or move on. I'm making changes in my life to reach MY goal...and he'll get to see the results of it and benefit from it. I know he loves me and is concerned about such a major surgery and the drastic changes, but I'll be getting my weight down.....that's what he should be focusing on because that's what he would like to see happen, as long as what I'm doing is for me and it's completely "out there" and unsafe, you know? Thank you so much for the advice and for listening......cheap therapy for me! lol I think I remember you guys are going to be there tonight? If so, I'll see ya! Yeah! Michele

Hey girl, no real help here... I got rid of my husband and "then" had surgery.. the only support I needed from him was "his" ins!!! I didn't tell him until about 3 weeks prior and then it was only to let him know "if" something happend to me he would need to be around for the kids.. (nice thing to let someone know they should be around for thier own kids!! like DUH!!) he tried to talk me out of it saying I could do it with excersize, eating right ect..ect.. I told him when he could kick his drug problem then he could "think" about talking to me about my wieght problem. He shut up and didn't say another word about it. we all have some form of addiction. weather it's food, drugs, alcohol, excersize, religion, another person, and on and on and on. when it consumes your life it is a problem. how big of a problem, well that depends on the danger of it.. after all how dangerous is it being addicted to religion? (ummm, well maybe with the exception of worshiping the devil) and I "WISH" I could be addicted to excersize.. ok bit of a ramble there.. I really replied because I wanted to say something about your comment on getting the "wieght off for good".. I will be 14 months post op on the 16th of june. I havn't lost any weight since my 9th months.. actually that's not true.. I have lost and gained the same 5 to 7 lbs "5" times.. so what does that total? at least 25 lbs and I have "NOTHING" to show for it.. and it ****** me off cause those 25 lbs would have put me UNDER my goal of 135.. My weight isn't gone for good.. it's some where out there waiting and watching and watching and waiting.. I just want you to really think about that "off for good" way of thinking.. it's a false since of security. especially the farther you get post op. see ya tonight.. Theresa

Hi Theresa! I'm looking forward to getting together tonight too! Thanks for the comment about "off for good". Actually, I do understand that those last pounds are the toughest and that without persistence. any or all of it could come back on. I know I'll be changing what I do for the rest of my life and weighing in regularly so lbs. don't sneak up on me. I have a friend who got to her personal goal and she gives herself a 3 lb. window...if she goes up to that point she gets REALLY strict till she comes down again. You mention you want to be a size six.....gosh, just being a 12 or 10 seems like such a dream to me. My ex used to say he'd worship me if I was a size 12...I told him my leg was a size 12...go for it! Bratty, but true. I can't even imagine what I'll look like at anything under a size 20 because I haven't been there since college! But thank you so much for your input....it's immensely valuable to me! See ya tonight! Michele

Michele - I don't have wonderful answers for you since my DH was supportive and encouraging. My only thought is that I think his denial is fear that he can't really put his finger on. It could be fear of many things and he might not even realize that he has fear. He likely has fear that you won't make it and would rather you do anything to avoid that risk. He might also have fear that when you do lose it all and are able to keep it off (I have faith in ya!) that you will leave him. I think that is a common fear for spouses and SO's to have. Even my understanding DH expressed that fear...even though he knew it wouldn't happen. It's *going* to run through their mind. There might also be fear of hurting you or not knowing what to do if you get sick. He might feel like he can't touch your tummy for fear he'll knock something loose. He might fear you choking on something and not being sure if the heimlich maneuver will work. He might worry about all of these things or none of these things, but one thing I'm almost sure of is that his response is mostly out of fear. Let us know how it goes with him. Hopefully it will be something he can get on board with... Dina

Hi Michele, My Belle! I have to say that this whole topic kind of ****** me off, if I may be so crass. It's true that diet and exercise are essential for good health. That is a freakin no-brainer. When people who do not have longstanding weight issues attempt to educate those of us that have been dieting for years...it just gets my goat!! I can't understand why people still think that "eat right and excercise" is some big huge secret that only thin people are privvy to??? HELLO????!!!!!! Here's the bottom line...and this is what my husband had to come to realize: contrary to popular belief.....it is NOT possibly for everyone to pack on 100+ extra pounds, and those of us that DO have that capcity; our bodies do NOT respond to diet and exercise as others do. For example: if my husband and I were to eat exactly the same things and exercise exactly the same amount...he wouldn't gain a pound, but I would. He simply isn't capable of packing on extra weight...especially as much as I am. I'm not sure why I get so fired up about this. Perhaps years and years of thin people thinking and preaching about how I should do things like they do to be healthy. Surgery isn't a sure-fire "forever" solution to staying fit and healthy, it's true. I don't know of anyone *****ALLY thinks it is. BUT...what is does give us, FINALLY, is control (generally speaking, that is....there are some people out there with issues that are not remedied by surgery). We finally have the capcity not only to achieve a healthy weight, but to MAINTAIN a healthy weight with diet and exercise. Before surgery, I simply didn't have it in me to muster the HUGE amount of tenacity, strength of will, and stanima that it would take for me to lose the 150 pounds that I need to lose. Think about the physical hurdles to overcome just to freakin exercise!! Not only do you have to move around an extra 100 pounds or so....but you have to do it with partically colapsed lungs. (not sure if everyone is aware that, packing on the pounds leaves less and less room for the lungs to take in the amount of air needed to feed the oxygen to your muscles) So....you have more tissue to feed....and less oxygen to feed them. Even if you strapped on an extra 100 pound weight on a thin person...they still wouldn't know what it's like...unless you deprive them of some of their oxygen at the same time. AND THATS JUST THE BEGINNING. I could go on and on. I've ranted and raved enough, though! I'm just frustrated for you, sister, and I really wish I could champion this cause, but alas! Sometimes I wish I could launch a campaign to educate those people who simply have no idea what it's like to try and try and try to lose the weight without success. I wish the world could see that it's not "sin and sloth". I'm not implying that this is what your boyfried thinks, but perhaps if he had a better understanding of the physiological, genetic, biological, chemical, and hormonal differences between a person that can pack on 100+ pounds and a person that cannot....perhaps then he could see the rationale behind the surgical treatment of obesity. It's hard to educate people though. I get the feeling that many people simply can't accept obesity as anything but a product of "sin and sloth". Whew....I better have myself a glass of wine or something.... I wish you luck in your attempt to gain the support of your boyfriend. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the whole thing (I'm not through yet!) without the support of my hubby. Take care! Keep us posted on the progress! -Mary P

Mary - I can't say much else except ROCK ON SISTAH! I dunno about Michele's DBF but in general about society, obesity and the attitudes projected by Dr. Philheads really can set me off as well. In fact, if I wasn't so damned loopy from lack of sleep right now, I'm sure I'd go off on my own rant! Dina

I am very lucky that my former BF was VERY supportive of my choice to have WLS- he understood that it would increase the quality of both our lives. Although the relationship didn't survive, I will always be grateful for his support during that time. However; My recommendation to you is Don't rely his support! Do it for YOU! Go to your appts and casually mention that you have them, if he asks about it, fine, if not...it doesn't matter, because you aren't doing this for him. It sounds a little bit like he is playing games and trying to sabotage your efforts by discouraging you from having WLS to lose weight while at the same time telling you to lose weight. With mixed messages like this its easy to feel abandoned and confused. Best of luck! Tammy

Tammy, Thanks for the advice! I agree, I can't rely on him. I don't but I do believe it would be better if I had his support. I also agree that he's sending mixed signals. His ex and I have actually become good friends (they are still very close as well, which I'm thankful for) and she's given me some great advice thru knowing him so well. She believes he wants me to lose the weight, but she's not sure if it's because he thinks he "should be" w/someone thinner. She said...ya know, maybe he's naturally attracted to women who are a bit larger but chooses to not accept it because it's not what society says he should prefer. I know he's dated other women that were fuller figured as well. He even "thought outloud" about it to me once. Anyway.....who the heck knows! What I do know is that I didn't let anyone know, even him, that I wanted to do this until I had decided to do it. I didn't want to be undecided and have anyone talk me out of it because of their fear or ignorance. Thank you Tammy!