How to tell my father about my big day?

I know that Dec 13th is coming fast and I havent told my father yet on what I am doing. He is such a proud man and a hard man to deal with. I know he wont aprove and he will do anything in his power to make me change my mind. That includes making me feel low and unemportant. All my life he has been on me about my weight and nothing I do is ok to him. He is a body builder and a trainer for his gym. So to him so old fashion hard work and diet should be good enough and since it hasnt been good enough it is my falt and I am just lazy. So even though it has been six months since I have been proparing for this I still has told him. It has been easy to hide it from him since I am here in Oregon and he is California. But now I am feeling guilty for not telling him. Surgery is a serius thing and as my father he does have the right to know. What do I do? The reason I decided not to tell him so that I wouldnt be depressed when I do this and stay positive. Is that wrong of me?

I dont think you are wrong... but thats only something that you can decide. Have you thought about sending him a card or letter? Maybe just telling him what you are doing, that you have done your research, made your decision and you are just needing prayers and support would let him know what you are doing but not really giving him the opportunity to give his unsolicited opinion. Thats a hard situation, I can somewhat understand. I wish you luck on your surgery and your conversation with your dad. Tara 2 days post op

Talk about leaving it for the last minute, lol! I think you have to either do a letter, dive in with a call or just not tell him. Is there someone near him that you can tell? Someone who can be there when you call that can help support you and provide comfort for your dad? I'm sure its scary for him, too. And if he's anything like my dad he probably also feels partly responsible (but won't admit it). Only you know your dad and how you'll deal with his reaction to the news. I didn't have parents to tell but my father-in-law knew as did all of my aunts and uncles. I wanted them to know how much I loved them in case something DID happen. Since it didn't I was just given an opportunity to let them know how much I care for them. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you. Lori

I guess I'm a little confused by your post. We are all adults here aren't we? I did not tell my Mother or either of my sisters about my surgery. No particular reason really, just that it was a very personal thing to me and really nobody elses business. Why on Earth would you feel guilty not telling him, especially when you don't think he would approve anyway? Not quite sure why you might think it would be wrong not to tell him? I don't talk much about my personal life to anybody, family or not. The choice is yours....do not feel guilty

I totally get what you are saying. its a tough one. I dont have a magical answer for you but wanted to say that what ever you decide it has to be what works for you. I know that even though we are all adults we are all still or parents children and we hate to disapoint them or worry them. and we all still want to be unconditionally loved and accepted by them no matter what kind of people they are or how they feel about us all we want is acceptance. So yea I get what you are saying. Guilty well no one can tell you not to feel guilty but think about why you feel guilty. and then you can decide weather you need to feel guilty or not. we do get to choose our feelings sometimes even if we feel guilty we can remind or selves that sometimes guilt is something that someone else puts on as and we can make the concious choice to say No! now of corse in 15 minites well be feeling guilty again and have to remind ourselves how we choose to feel,,, until that feeling becomes what we actually do feel. I have decided to write letters to the people that I love that would not understand my choice in case something happens. I want them to know I love them but I dont feel the need to put my self thru more confusion during this time,, its hard enough all by itself. hope my mixed up words help Kelly

I did not tell anyone that I knew would disapprove and that included family members. There was no guilt about not saying anything and I was only surrounded by friends and family who supported my decision and were positive about it. The folks that were not told will be surprised when they see me thinner and I still won't tell them how I became thinner, just a "lot's of hard work" will suffice. To have the surgery is your personal decision and it should be your personal decision on who knows about it and who doesn't. Guilt can be a difficult foe. Don't let it become overwhelming. Do what is best for you. Good luck. Kathy

Katrina, I'm not telling anyone besides my husband, one friend and work. What I am doing is writing letters that my husband can send, "just in case". Like you, I feel the need to remain positive about this and don't want or need to listen to negative input or feel guilty. Just make the decision, one way or the other is all I can really say. And don't feel one little bit bad about it. Michele

I can share some of my own feelings about the "should I tell" issue. I chose to not tell anyone I was having surgery. I know that it seems like immediate family should know something this major is happening. My biggest concern was if something were to not go right, I wouldn't want my own parents and siblings to find out I had major surgery after the fact. I decided to put aside that what if. The chances of that outcome were so much smaller than the odds that I would be recovering on my terms. As HUGE as my surgery day was to me, it is quite amazing how easy it was to fly under the radar of people across the street, at my kids school and sports teams, and my family that like you live out of state. Everybody is pretty busy with their own lives, and the amount of time I was down was not noticed by anyone. As sure as it seemed that my changes in eating would be noticed, again, people are busy talking and visiting and eating their own meal. I found it very easy to be low key about the changes in my eating habits, and never found anyone to be scrutinizing me. I was very glad to be able to go through the changes emotionally and physically without the constant scrutiny that I knew would come if I had told. In my life I have lots of loving family and friends that would have cheered me on and been very interested in my journey. I am not able to necessarily explain why it felt important to me, but it seemed to be part of me taking ownership and responsibility for this hugely personal part of my self. I wanted the space to let it unfold with privacy. It's doesn't speak badly of ones relationship and loyalty to family to need and desire privacy about something in their adult life. I knew that eventually I would probably feel ready to share. I told some people after a few months, I just told my mother-in-law last week. As much as your father loves you, there has been judgment and misunderstanding about this core issue in your life. For me, allowing myself to really focus on putting myself and my needs first seemed to be an important part of the change that has taken place since my WLS journey. Not letting guilt guide me in making choices about what works and suits my needs best is something I have really tried to embrace post-op, and I truly do think it is as important as any other lifestyle change I have made. Some people mistake my feelings for wanting to keep my surgery private as being ashamed. Not at all. I have talked about it and told so many people. The people in my own life though, I told when I felt ready. Some I never have told. The family I have told since have been nothing but happy for me. They may or may not understand my choice to withhold from them, but in the end they are thrilled with the changes. Good luck to you! Patty

Dear Patty Think you so much for your response. I think at of all of the responses I have read I have decided not to tell him until later when I am ready. I am sure when he comes up this summer to visit like he always does that he will get a suprise and ask a lot of question on how I did it. At that time I guess I will explain everything. I think that at that point after losing my weight he cant be negetive and if he does the, it is already done and over with. He wont be able to do anything about it. Kat

Kat: I think you are making the right decision to delay telling him. The decision to have WLS is a big one and to have to deal with negativity is just too difficult. I'm being very open with most people and am gratified by the support. However there are certain ones who don't approve but I can't let that get to me - and those are just a few. My friends know what a difficult path the obesity is and how I have struggled as I know you have. I think your Dad will be happy for you when you finally choose to tell him and proud you had the strength to make a difficult decision. Parents generally do come around. Look at the big picture - you will be happier about yourself and able to do things again. Warmly, Rudie2