Sabotage or Support

I live with my 6 year old son and my very loving boyfriend who would like to think he is supporting me but at this point continues to enable my bad eating habits. He is overweight too and I think he is panicking that he may have to make some changes in order to support me. I hope he is just enabling me out of habit instead of sabotaging me on purpose because he is afraid.

I do have some supportive girlfriends - it seems all my thin friends are supportive while my overweight friends are trying to talk me out of the surgery.

My older sister had a bypass 10 years ago and had complications. My family is going to flip (not in a good way) when they find out what I am doing. I figure I will tell them closer to the date.

I am so glad I have all of you and this website for support!

What is your support system like?

It is possible that your boyfriend is worried about the changes you will go through, the same as your heavier girlfriends.

You are (or should be) doing this for yourself. Your health and well being. There are only two people that know about my surgery. My spouse and one friend who was a co-worker at the time and in no way connected to my circle of friends/family. I knew I could trust her with the "secret".

I think my spouse thought I couldn't make the changes necessary post WLS. In the beginning he didn't really like to talk about it I think for that reason. Now he offers me things he knows I shouldn't eat or suggests dinner ideas that aren't what I would choose. So I just make that for him and either something different entirely for myself or a modified version of what he is eating. Nachos or tacos for example.....I eat the filling and omit the chips/shells. Same with pasta, I'll eat the sauce with a little cheese no noodles or zoodles.

Nobody knows about my surgery but they see my different eating patterns and are pretty good about having things for me to eat. Having said that, this was my decision and I wouldn't expect anybody to not eat what they want because I'm around. If they want to have a bowl of chips out for snack it's up to me to choose whether to eat them or not. I wouldn't say he is enabling you, if you are choosing to eat badly you are enabling yourself. He hasn't chosen to have surgery, you have. You need to reign in your bad eating habits. If he was truly supportive he might choose not to eat certain things in front of you but you can't expect him to change just because you have chosen too.

I agree with you 100%. I need to get stronger, just because he is bring the food to me, doesn't mean I need to put it in my mouth. I just wonder why he is doing it? Thats what worries me. He knows I am trying to eat healthier but will bring me home a deep dish pizza for dinner.. maybe he doesn't believe I am serious about making the changes.

I guess if I say no instead of just eating it (and resenting it) then he will start to understand I am in this for the long run.

Yes, once he sees your commitment and he is wasting money (or eating the whole pizza himself) he may stop with this behavior. if you need to bring take out home for dinner ask him to get Swiss Chalet or pick up a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store. You can still make good choices when you aren't cooking it yourself.

The other thing is to try to make small changes gradually. That will ease you into the program and building new habits and he will gradually come along with you. If all of a sudden, it's "I can't have that", or "no way" or everything all at once it can be really shocking and stressful for those around you. Take the time before surgery to start building those good habits that you want to have after. If it's done gradually you can ease everyone around you into the new "you".

So pick something. I chose pop. No more pop. After about 6 six weeks, I picked something else. It was probably eating desserts. No more desserts. Once I was comfortable there I started to decrease my carb intake and increase protein. I NEVER just cold turkey quit carbs. It was gradual.

Go slow, go easy and others will eventually see that you are serious and making this huge effort to get healthy.

I never tried to change my partner. I always had bread for him or rice or potatoes. This is my deal, my change and my choice. I never wanted to try and change him. All I asked for was support and encouragement and I got it. 7 1/2 months later we both eat healthier and are happy. He's even lost weight.

These changes we are making can be quite hard on relationships. Our partners can feel threatened by the changes. My long time partner was initially against it. After a real heart to heart, he explained that he was worried that as I lost weight I would become attractive to others and I would leave him. I guess a valid concern. He is a big man and obviously has insecurities about it.

I explained that if we broke up at some point in the future it would have nothing to do with weight. It would be other issues at play.

He came around and has been incredibly supportive. He has been awesome actually. I'm not sure that many other men would put up with me through some of my issues as he has. LOL

I have been very lucky. I have tons of support. No one has given me any grief and wherever I go people make sure that there is food available for me.

There could be some sabotage. Change is hard on people no matter what that change is.

Maybe a heart to heart is in order?

I was thinking the same thing.. a heart to heart is definitely in order. I have no doubt of his love for me but he is a big man too and I think he may be feeling when your partner was feeling but he just hasn't voiced it yet. I think I need to give him the platform for him to open up about his feeling regarding everything.

What would I do without you all?

Its tough when your partner or friends aren't being supportive - it does mean some changes for them as well and they probably feels like you will judge them if they continues to eat "bad" food. Just keep letting them know that you don't expect them to change but you do expect them to support you. Give them ideas how they can support you - e.g. exercising with you or jus****ching the 6 year old while you exercise, trying new foods that you can enjoy together, cooking together. Basically surround yourself with people who will encourage you and lift you up, not try to stop you from doing this. This website is a great place for support and advice.

I was an open book about my surgery - I thought I would forget who I told and who I didn't tell so I just didn't want to get caught out in a lie. It was easier for me to be honest with everyone. I didn't yell it from the rooftops but if people ask me how I lost weight, I tell them I had surgery.

I have a fairly decent support group around - I joined a support group which meets once a month and they have made a big difference in my life. Its so great to chat to people who understand what you have been going through without having to explain what you can eat, what you can't eat, how it works. Its just nice when they "get" it and we can support and laugh together.

That is really some great advise. I truly appreciate your reply. I am going to try some of these, especially the exercise. I use to love the gym and definitely what to get back to it.

Reading these first two replies have made me think.. maybe I have been putting pressure on him to change too. I do it cause I want us both to get healthy but you guys are right.. this was my choose, not his.

I think I just need to do my thing and if he decides to jump on board thats great. If not, I just need to let him do him.

Like Ginny, only my husband knows and a few friends that I have met from this forum. I have never regretted my choice to keep my surgery secret. Others have said that they wanted to be open and that suited them. I have no judgement on whether anyone should or shouldn't keep it secret.

My husband has been incredibly supportive. Every once and a while he will say "Chew chew chew" or "should you be drinking so soon" (I always make a note of the time when I can start drinking, sigh). He can be a little on the policing side, but I know he wants me to be successful. Over the years he has come to understand that I need to exercise regularly and that it is a priority, also to eat healthy and stay away from junk. He still eats pastry, chips, and fried foods, but he is not overweight and seems quite fit.

This site is great support because unless you have had the surgery, you don't really get the struggle. There will always be temptation everywhere (grocery stores, friends houses, family gatherings, parties) I choose health for me, so it's up to me to stay on track. Besides, regain scares the sh*t out of me.