How Linda's post personally impacted me

Hi all,

I posted a couple of days ago about Thanksgiving menu ideas. Thank you to all who gave ideas btw! I am going to a childhood friend of mine on Saturday for Thanksgiving dinner, so I will be bringing my own food. I don't have to; I just know it will be much easier this way.

When I read Linda's post yesterday about (I'll fill in my words in how i interpret the post for myself...), it got me thinking about a couple of friends' reactions to my surgery. I've been super open, I'll tell anyone, and I don't feel judged, even by these friends.

Let me give some background.

• one friend is one of my closest friends, came and saw me in the hospital, has seen me since, we talk almost daily, knows all the details.
• The one hosting is her sister, was my childhood best friend. We've grown apart in adulthood but are still friends - no animosity, just less in common.
• The third I met through the other two. We get along but don't have a ton in common; we are friendly but not friends... never socialize just the two of us.

In the group, all four of us are obese. Two have diabetes (not me or party hostess). We're all mid-40's. I quit smoking years ago; the other three smoke.

When I told my good friend I was having the surgery, she was excited for me, but more interested if it was a viable option for her. She's decided no, based on the restrictions etc.

My childhood bestie didn't believe I'd go through with it and never f/u with me. She didn't judge, but she was non-supportive.

The other friend heard from the others, np... and called another mutual friend of ours freaking out about "I hope you (other friend) don't expect me to do this now." Totally out of left field, insecurities shining through.

Ok... so, here's my point. I'm seeing all these ladies on Saturday. I know the topic of my surgery will come up. I know their insecurities will shine through. And I know they have decided to remain as they are... which I don't judge. It's totally a personal decision. This path of wls is WAY harder than the path to remain at status quo.

What I'll be dealing with Saturday is their own feelings of ineptitude, as they watch me eat differently, as they ask how much weight I've lost and i tell them, as we have "too much" conversation about something... for what, I'm not sure. Because I don't know that they really support me, and I know they don't want it for themselves.

But I'll talk as little or as much as I believe they want, and I'll stop when I think it's really just too much.

And I'll remember Linda's post... and I'll refrain from judging them or myself.

So again, thanks Linda.

Perhaps try and change the topic if they start obsessing over your decision. I think eventually they will see how dedicated you are to your choice and get behind you. A lot of my family (we are all obese) thought I was just talking nonsense, and that I would not be able to handle the huge change. Once they saw how excited and dedicated I was, they came around and supported me. Happy Early Thanksgiving :)

Thanks! Yeah, that's exactly it. My childhood friend said to her sister when she heard about my surgery date "oh she's actually doing it?" I think like your family, they weren't taking me seriously.

Inwill change the subject. Thanks. :)

Things are obviously more complex then a generalization BUT misery does love company.

People will undoubtedly make comments. I am sure we can all agree that it has been those around us all the time or that we least expect to have the strongest opinion. Luckily their words are just that: their opinion. I keep reminding myself I did this for me. It is my journey, my pride of my successes so far (and to even go through the surgery) and my health that is improved.

Not sure if you are Ashkenazi or not but some good sayings I have always lived by are: "A fault-finder complains even that the bride is too beautiful" and "A guilty man is always self-conscious". Remember complainers will complain and those who know they have done wrong tend to show it the most. Deep down they all likely want to lose weight. While surgery might not be the thing for them, they probably have the jealous aspect since you are being so successful.

While being family and close friends it makes this difficult, but maybe keep them at arm's length for the next bit. Stick with your supporters while you are in the loss part of this journey. I know maintenance is difficult but at least we will have figured out what works for us and they have less likely an impact on our success.

Thanks. I love those sayings. They are so true! And yes, misery does love company... which is why my childhood bestie and I have drifted. I just don't buy into that anymore. I see my one friend a lot, but she's super supportive. The other two are the ones who will smile and nod and have issues... I see them half a dozen times a year, at best. I will grin and bear it... but also understand their point of view. I think for me, seeing it from their perspective will give me the strength i need. I was worried about it. Now, I'm finding strength in "it's their issue not mine". It'll be interesting!

and that is called accountability! congratulations on not letting them pull you into the victim loop. it is easy to let people do that but much healthier to form an intention and move forward.

First if all .. brave and thank you for sharing!

I told only 3 besties! Supportive but scared. I am takimg your lead and this week told some nbrs and aquaintences.

I think in some strange way they may be jealous that you had the chutzpah to do it.. to change your life... yes it is hard..but they see you winning!!! Yay you.. been in your corner since orientation GF!

Thanks girl! I always say... don't follow my lead; chart your own path. If telling people feels right to you, awesome! Always do what feels right for you.

Mine thing I know about you is you are a different woman than the one I met in May. A fearless woman is emerging from within. It's very exciting to witness!!! You've done a lot of great things for yourself lately!!

Jealousy is so unfortunate. I think you may be right... and I don't think they are jealous of me, per se... i think they might be jealous that I've had the courage to do something drastic to take control. I think they know they can too, but they aren't ready, or won't, or "can't". I wasn't ready for 8 yrs of thinking about it. Life... it's a fickle thing!

Hey Girl ..thank you... fearless- lol- trying.. it's been 10 yrs for me.... and the cool thing about all of this is!!! We have each other?s backs... we are on the same path ..individually but ?the? path is the same.. we are here ... and you are doing so well.. enjoy and embrace your victories!

Have an enjoyable Thanksgiving ... because you earned it!

Feel the fear and do it anyway. That's the real trick!! And that's what I've seen in you these past 6 months.

You have a ton to be thankful for this thanksgiving as well! If you can't see it clearly, start a list. Not only external things, but internal things, like your courage. Like stepping up. Like standing up for yourself. Like putting your needs first. Like the support you give others. Etc. So there's your list started! My thanksgiving challenge to you: write down at least 100 things you have to be thankful for about yourself. I just gave you 5. :)