Questions and thoughts

I went on the Toronto Western waiting list on Oct of 2015 and have been cleared for surgery on May the 8^th with every apt I had I found myself digging deeper into my emotions and thoughts about myself. Everything that I was ever told about my weight compliment or insult was brought to my mind with every apt I attended. Every previous failed attempt has brought me to this moment and I am terrified. I am terrified of failing I don't think I can handle yet another self disappointment. I have support, I am loved and have a great circle of friends and family that are fully aware of most of my challenges and yet I feel so alone.

I keep telling trying to visualize myself thinner like a size 12 and it seems unreal it excites me and terrifies me all at the same time. I cannot find words powerful enough to describe how much I want this and yet all this time I have become powerless when faced with a "good meal". I have read, studies and tried to understand and perhaps shed light on why my relationship with food is so complicated but I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter anymore why, the only thing that matters to me is that I am successful after this surgery.

I start my opti-fast on April 17^th and need be on it for 3 weeks. In my head I'm thinking seriously...3 weeks without solid food ???? how the heck will I manage that? I hate this feeling of uncertainty. I find myself always wondering about what it will be like post op. What will I feel? will I still crave the foods that have gotten me here? How will this affect me and my family please share your experiences with me I'm finding that most people don't understand the struggle so I ask that if you have a story to share about your journey please do.

" I give because I know what it means to want"

Christina

I too was scared but then i thought -- this is my LAST chance to get healthy. Best decision EVER.

Sure i have cravings but i think is it worth it? Its not! I have goals and want to be nice to my body. Your family should do what they can to ensure they arent tempting you or putting you in harms way. People tend to dabble and its old habits bearing strong. I suggest you dont. Ive not hd one thing off track period and am 3 months out. Down a total of 88 lbs. 58 since surgery and i feel AMAZING. Energy and sleep is improved. My insides feel good (if that makes sense) im head clear and not waiting for the next bag of chips. Im FREE. I love it.

Dont think of opti as a punishment rather the first part of your second chance at life. Those dmons are going to try and make you veer off but dont. Change your lifestyle and dont succumb. Its just not worth it.

The best piece of advice i can give and many others will to ensure youre successful is follow the food guide in your binder to a TEE. Measure everything. Take before pics and measurements and take them along the way. Dont be afraid of this process, embrace it. Prove to yourself that YOU CAN do it and YOU WILL!!!

I think most of have those thoughts going throught his process. I certainly did.

I'm just over 2 weeks post op and I'm dying to have food I can chew, I will not lie about that. It's tough no doubt!

Opti was hard for me too, but I made it through and although I was never in danger of cheating on Opti, I did have a lot of doubts about surgery, can I do this. I even posted about it, and found a lot of people have these feelings. Opti is the first part of this process, leading up to surgery, that you really have to change what your eating. Obviously, we had to try and adopt better eating habits before surgery, but we could eat.

Some people don't find Opti difficult, for me it was all head hunger. First couple days are the hardest physically, and you do feel full on Opti, but again head hunger can vary from day to day, at least for me. So, be prepared to deal with that aspect.

You still will have to be prepared to deal with head hunger after surgery as well. From all I've read, and my experience so far, tells me the first few months are probably the most difficult in your journey. Recovering, following a strict post op diet (especially the first month), but you have to look at the end game.

My head hunger has been very difficult for me. Some people deal with head hunger, much better than I have, just be prepared to deal with it either way. I do feel hunger (to my surprise, I expected it to be a couple months before I really experienced it), but when I eat I do feel full.

I can't say you can ever truly be prepared for this. Its been emotional for me at times, since I've had surgery. Good days, and bad.

Just like after you have surgery, every day get's a little better. That's what I keep telling myself. I have two weeks left of full fluids, and then can start the soft protein diet. I can't wait to be able to eat protein and chew. Have more variety with food, but I have to remind myself, its not a race, baby steps. I will get to a place long down the road, where all the food restrictions are gone, and can somewhat eat a 'normal' meal, and that will be great, but there's a lot of hard work to put in between now and then. I started opti March 1, and have lost 30lbs in this month. Could I have done that on my own?

It will be hard at first, be prepared for that, if you have an easier time of it then great! Remember the end goal, and it will get better every day that passes, and will look at these first couple months as a distant memory.

Good luck with your journey! You will do great!

I felt the same way, and the only way I could even get through the process of all of the appointments before surgery was to tell myself I could quit at any time; I was that scared...of having surgery, of failing, everything.

Then I started coming here every single day, and discovered the Weight Loss Surgery community on Youtube and started binge watching videos. I did this every day and slowly my fears of failing and of surgery got less and less. I knew it was finally gone when I got sick on Opti and my biggest fear was that they'd cancel surgery.

I had food funerals before starting Opti and the first 3 days were hard, cravings wise, but I did it. I discovered I have to have Opti ice cold, diluted with almost 500 ml of water, and loads of ice, in a big shaker bottle. I loved it like that and looked forward to each shake. I learned that every time I had a craving, it was time for my shake...I was just ready for my next meal. I was also allowed clear broth and 1 cup of green veggies per day, which was great. I thought 3 weeks on Opti would take forever but they passed in the blink of an eye, and I lost 23 Lbs, which was great. Next thing I knew, I had surgery and then my focus went from what I can't have to what I could have, and wondering how I'd get even the small amounts of food I was supposed to have down, lol. It felt like a full time job, getting in my protein and water, and for the first time in my life, i wasn't hungry.

I'm 8 weeks post op now, down 59.2 Lbs since Opti, and feel so much better. I walked for an hour yesterday and didn't need my asthma inhalers at all, and I've just recovered from a bout with pneumonia. There's no way I could have walked for an hour before surgery. I could ride my bike, but not walk for more than 10 minutes without needing my inhalers, or to sit and rest.

It really is life changing. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself. You can do this!

Hugs,

Kathy

Kathy, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my very painful post...lol Wow girl you are doing great 59.2 lbs is huge amount of weight down you must feel like great!!! I too suffer from asthma and I know what its like glad its better now with the weight loss...all your information was very helpful my first opti is April 17 right after Easter. im both excited and terrified...will keep you posted pls do the same love to hear about your progress.

You're so welcome! I do feel so much better!

How nice that your Opti starts after Easter! You can enjoy the holiday with friends and family and then get down to business. I was happy I got to enjoy Christmas and New Years before Opti :-).

I'd love to hear your updates. Hugs.

You are not alone.

The emotional roller coaster of feelings as I draw close to surgery is making my stomach hurt - I am scared, I am angry, I am conflicted, I am optimistic and i hate myself for how I look. I finally stood there in the mirror naked and assessed how I looked - I have dressed in the dark for years, bought clothes if they fit like a tent never because they looked good.

I have stacks of clothes from size 12 to 4x - I still see myself as a size 12 in my head - if I catch my reflection in a window or a mirror I am repulsed. I compare myself to people I see walking down the street, I ask my daughter if I really look like that? She is a good girl - she loves me and always tells me I look better - I know I don't.

i avoid going out in public alone, I rarely leave the house except for work.

So that all said, I want my life back, I want to be confident and walk with my eyes up, meet people in the face not the shoes.

i hope that I will take a vacation, wear a bathing suit, shop at the mall for me, buy something trendy, stand out for my beauty not my weight.

I want to buy a matching bra and panty set, a Fitbi****ch that is a woman's band not a man's. I want to wear shorts and not worry if chub rub will make them awkward. I want to see my feet, I want to be able to cut my toenails.

I want to be loved as a woman not a homemaker - there is so much wrapped up in these surgeries other than health, may we all succeed!

As for the food that got you here: I am struggling through Opti, 1 week left. I no longer miss solid food, I now have my favourite Opti mix (500ml) water (500ml) crushed ice, tbsp benefibre, 2 tbsp of sugar free DaVinci French vanilla syrup.

I had diet 7up the other day - too sweet. I had a vitamin water - too sweet. My taste buds must be super sensitive- my sense of smell is acute, the smell of chocolate - my addiction - makes my stomach roll. I am never hungry on only 3 Opti a day but I must admit I have spaghetti legs at times and headaches and stomach cramps.

i have no idea if I have lost weight - I do not own scales - but my bras fit better so I must have - why is it the things we want to keep that go first?

All I can finish with after that rambling confession meant to make you feel less alone is that you are not alone - we all have demons that torment us about our weight.

My current favourite quotes:

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." ~Wayne Dyer

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." ~Thomas Jefferson

We are changing ourselves, our perspectives, our bodies, our eating. It is natural that our feelings will change too - let's lean on each other.

Hugs!

Hi Simplyb

just realized your surgery was yesterday how did it go? I'm sorry about the late response terribly busy like everyone I suppose... everything you described and expressed sounds so familiar...I feel like you and I are living the same thing and same thoughts...I know that you are still in hospital but once you get your strength back write to me about your experience I would love to hear from you. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Christina

Pretty sure my surgery is next Wednesday or I missed it :)

But thanks for the well wishes and I will certainly let you know my experiences.

Keep in touch, Samantha

Samantha,

sorry i got it wrong i mixed up the dates...:)