Self loathing

I haven't posted much but really need to reach out today. I'm on my way to surgery, have my behaviourist and nutritionist appointment in early May.

I had a serious bout of self loathing today. I'm at my heaviest weight ever and today was probably the worst I have ever felt about myself.

Put on some pants today and they felt a bit snug, so on my lunch I went to buy a new pair for an work event tomorrow. I got what I thought were my size to try on. Turned out they were a bit tight. So I had to go with a size 20. I'm 5'0. Looking in that full length mirror I felt an intense hatred for myself. Just hate and anger which quickly turned into sadness. I imagine this will pass but for now I am feeling pretty bad.

Shopping can be a "B" just remember you might be a different size at a different store, I find that I needed 3X clothes in one store and 1X in another, I found myself always shopping at the store where the size tag was smaller so I didn't get so discourage about shopping. Wishing you all the best!

No one understands your feelings better then this group of people on this forum.

I think many of us have had these feelings. Self loathing is different then confidence or lack thereof. I was very confident in my abilities but filled with self loathing why I just couldn't seem to get my eating under control. Its a vicious circle of hate

I want you to use these feelings as you go forward. Please, remember how you feel today. There will come a time in the future when you have had surgery and are losing weight rapidly or are at goal, and you will be contemplating eating something you shouldn't. Remember this feeling and vow to yourself that you will NOT GO BACK THERE.

There is a time in your future ,post surgery ,that you will feel good about yourself again. Read , read, read and figure out the pitfalls that are around every corner, even when you think you got this obesity thing licked. You don't.

I feel for you. Time and your desire to change will hopefully fix this for you

Great advice.

Use this time of disliking yourself as the fuel to succeed. Once that is in your mind, you can do anything!!

Oh my dear ....I have been there. In fact a therapist once told me that she had never encountered anyone who had more severe self loathing as myself. Several years of therapy later and WLS.....I am much better. I admit I am still hard on myself at times and have to remind myself to be careful of the crappy self talk.....but i like what I see now, and I have learned so much.

This road isn't an easy one, and it's filled with so many emotional roadblocks that you will need to address. Tell your Dr how you are feeling and he/she may be able to suggest some options ( I took many programs that were free)

Remember none of us are perfect and your worth will NEVER be determined by the size of your pants. You are not alone feeling this way....remember all the amazing things about you when you are feeling down ..sending you a hug

You and I are in the same phase of the process, although my Nutritionist/Behaviourist appointment is in 11 days. (Not that I'm counting or anything.)

The six-week wait for that appointment felt really long at first, but then I realized that it was an opportunity to be kind to myself for a change. I've hit the same moments of self-loathing and frustration with how badly I've treated my body. And each time I get there, I step back and attempt to change my perspective.

That's usually means that I remind myself that I don't plan to be at this weight ever again, so this frustration is temporary. It's just part of the journey. But then I also try and remember why I'm frustrated (sometimes that gets captured in my journal), so that, in the future, when I'm tempted to stray, I'll have a reminder (written or memory) of why I undertook this journey in the first place.

I don't expect my body image to change as quickly as my weight will. I know it will take time. And I'm rather certain that those frustrations with how I look will still be there in a year or more. I'll just be (hopefully) at a different weight - but not liking some part of my body, or what I see in the mirror, is simply a part of life. (My sister, who is normal weight, expresses more frustration with the way she looks that I would ever dare!)

If I can find the tools now - in this waiting/preparation time - to help me, I'm hoping that I'll be well armed for whatever comes.

All that to say, we're at the very beginning of the journey that will have ups and downs. Those pants are a "down" - but there will be "ups" too...even now as you prepare for the next appointment.

I completely understand - like one of the above posters said, this group of people understands better than anyone.

You and I are the same height. Being overweight SUCKS - but being like microsized in height AND overweight is just brutal. I can't stand clothing shopping. I live in leggings, boots and cute sweaters/shirts/jackets. Just remember that NOW is not forever and soon this will change. Keep working hard at being kind to yourself so that when you are losing and lose weight, this loathing doesn't continue :)

I'm sorry you're feeling down; big hugs to you.

I have a sort of different out look on this. The size 20 pants are great! You know why? Because not long after surgery, you're going to pull those suckers on, do them up, let go, and they are going to FALL OFF, right to the floor. It happened to me and it will happen to you. Those pants will become a great before and after tool for photos after you lose weight.

I was where you are right now, and I remember the shame, anger, loathing. It was awful. Then I started my pre-op diet and it was hard for me, but my focus became opti and broth and veggies and worries and fear about surgery, and then surgery day was there and my focus was on pain, walking, tooting, sipping, and getting in protein. I think I was a few weeks post op before I realized the best NSV of all; I'd had NO feelings of shame or self hatred since starting opti. NONE. I felt lighter emotionally as well as physically.

I know it's hard to imagine now, but hang in and persevere because things are going to change for the better.

Right before opti, maybe the month before, I embraced my weight and size because I knew it was the last time I'd ever be that weight or size again, and I was happy to be that big because it would make for such a big difference later, in before and after pics. Yes, I'm crazy, lol, but that's what I told myself. Instead of isolating myself I started going out to family events, out with friends, because I wanted them to see how big I was so they'd see how far I'd come later.

I know you feel bad now, but trust me, it will get so much better.

Take care,

I cannot thank you amazing people enough. I read your responses and cried. Everyone was able to perfectly understand I feel. Yesterday was a tough moment but you all made me feel stronger.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

if you've started the process to have surgery than these bad days will soon be behind you. Losing weight is hard which is why we are all here. Don't expect change over night... start slow. I am a year and a half post op and lost 160lbs. It's totally changed my life and has been the best decision I have ever made for myself. You'll get there! It does take work and determination but once you start to see results it all becomes worth it. Just pick yourself back up and tell yourself that -that was your last size 20 article of clothing you will ever buy. Enjoy the process it goes by fast!! Love yourself, know you are worth it.... doesn't matter if you are a size 20 or a size 4 if you don't love yourself. Good luck!!!