Frustrated with jugdemental people

So far through with my decision of going through WLS I decided to keep it to myself and not tell anyone but my close family and friends.

I told my husband kids and mother. Now my husband and mom have started ganging up on me to try and get me to change my mind about the surgery. I have been thinking about this for years now and this is what I want and need to do why cant they understand that. My husband keeps saying I am taking the easy way out like I always do Explain to me how this is the easy way out.

I need there support and I am not getting it and I feel alone and frustrated.

To make matters worst a girl I work with heard me over talking to my husband on the phone (nosy co-worker) and as soon as I got off the phone she turns to me and calls me stupid. She actually called me stupid. Can you believe that.

This was a hard decision for me to make but it was my personal decision and no one has the right to judge me for it because they don't know what it is to be the weight I am and feel the way I fell.

I am not going to let people cloud my choices of what is best for me. I am doing this for me and nobody else.

I came across a few folks like you are encountering.  I got the "easy way out" or "you don't look like you need surgery."

I explain to them that there were health issues that couldn't be fixed by weigh****chers or the gym.  My family has a history of diabetes and various other things that I am nipping in the bud before they get to extreme.

If folks tell you that you are "stupid' for doing it, come back with a witty retort like "I would rather be healthy and dumb than fat and *itchy" or something along that line.

If your Step MIL is trying to convince you change your mind, ask her why she doesn't want you to have it.  Perhaps she has a fear you don't know about and you can put her mind at ease with what you have learned from this board or from the sessions with your doctors.  I found the more info I was willing to give back to everyone tends to keep them quiet.

A lot of the "ganging up" tends to be out of ignorance and fear. Sometimes people hear of people who did this (a long time ago) and it didn't work for them, or they had a lot of complications.  But things have changed a lot since Bariatric Surgery was first started.

One thing you can do, is to take your husband with you to the appointments.  Then he can learn more about what it's about and what this process and new life will be all about.  And if he has questions, let him ask them at the appointments.  You could take your Mom as well, or at least make a copy of the material for her, and talk to her about why she thinks you shouldn't have surgery.  If you need to, work with her on a Pro and Con list for having surgery and staying the same weight.

I wish you well on your journey, you'll always have support here.

Cathy

When I first decided to get the surgery I was lucky and those I told were supportive.  I am 8 months post op and this is the best decision I ever made.  If anyone told me I took the easy way out I would answer they can think what they want, and why would I not take an easy solution if available.  Why make my life harder if an easy solution exists?  Not that this is an easy solution.  It takes hard work and dedication to get through the process up to surgery...to change habits and make better decisions around food and habits.

I went from eating horribly to eating healthy and having more control over food vs food controlling my life.

From having daily migraines and pains to being pain free and healthy

From hating myself and being ashamed to go out in public to being active and loving life. From a size 20 to a size 10, losing almost 100 pounds.

I am also healthier now as I can work out more.

Do not let others change your mind as I guarantee that these individuals after surgery will be saying how good you look and what a good choice you made, but you will feel so much better about yourself that you will not care what they think because YOU will feel good about yourself.

Just my thoughts on the topic and my support to you.  I wish you luck in this journey and support you with your decision.

Kelly

Thank you everyone!! I love the support everyone gives here it really helps.

It makes me so mad that people think that the surgery is "The easy way out" approach. 

It is not the easy way out at all! Surgery is a tool to help us get our life back.  But if you don't put in the work (watching what you eat and exercising), then that tool isn't going to work as well for you.  But you are the one doing all the work in conjunction with your now smaller stomach.  You are the one who is working out and exercising just like someone without the surgery would, you also have to watch what you eat like someone without the surgery would watch what they eat.  Grrrr it makes me so mad that people shame others based on weight loss surgery.

I spent years with my mom for example telling me that I can do it without the surgery, that I had to put more effort out, then I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which makes it harder for you to lose weight, I also gained a whole lot more weight.  But now she is behind me in getting the surgery (I still think she would rather me not get the surgery but she is realizing that her say doesn't mean anything anymore because I have made up my mind.)  But I totally get where you are coming from.

Hi

Perhaps your husbands comments are fear based and he lacks the understanding around how this is done etc. Perhaps he should attend a session or so with you. 

My husband has asked me if I am sure that I want to go through with this, not because he is not supportive but he feels I would have to give up so much, which I am willing to do

My sister on the other hand told me getting WLS is "cheating". I shared this with Dr. Starr who had a brilliant response; does your sister do her own taxes? her own car repairs?  then is she cheating when she gets help with these?

I wish you lots of luck - when you meet with the social worker you might think about how to answer her question around family support and how you will handle the negativity. Who else is going to be in your corner?

I on the other hand have been very vocal about what I am planning to do.There have been differential responses, but the more people I tell the more support I have gained. In fact one of my friends; a retired nurse has been super supportive and encouraging

Take care

I too did not tell many people mostly because I didn't want to be the centre of conversation.  I have found very little support after my surgery but I am still very happy I did it. I did it for me. Remember this is for you and no one else

I am sorry you are going through this. I also had very limited support, ok well I actually had none, other than those I have met on the forum. While my mother and sister both had RNY years back, they felt I didn't require it. That I was too small. That I could do it on my own. Ultimately I had to make a decision for myself. I decided to stop discussing it with them. I decided this was MY Journey. I did it all on my own, and it has been the best, life changing choice I have ever made.

I am only half way to goal and my quality of life has drastically improved. I don't know all of what you're going through, but maybe just stop trying to get them on board. Stop sharing details of it with them. If you are 100% positive you need this, then you do it for you! And eventually maybe they will come around. At the end, I went through this solo, lacking family support, but I got my life back. It was well worth it. Sounds like you know this is the best choice for you, so as hard as it may be, ignore the naysayers! good luck xo 

First, a co-worker called you stupid??! WTF? Absolutely unacceptable.

Second, I think it's time for a sit-down, heart to heart talk with your husband to tell him how you feel and ask for his support as his freakin' life partner. While you certainly don't need his approval, tension at home as you go through the process is only going to make things seem worse and longer. Often close family members react negatively based on their own feelings - mainly fear. Fear of losing you through surgical complications and fear of change and how you losing weight might affect them and your relationship with them. My decision to have WLS was met with resistance from my parents who, as it turned out, were simply fearful. I took time to explain exactly why I was having surgery (high blood pressure, sleep apnea, pre-diabetic, aches and pains preventing mobility, fear of future health issues related to morbid obesity, etc.), how my doctors felt I was an excellent candidate based on my health needs, and what the surgery entailed to educate them. Going through the process in Ontario these days offers many opportunities to have a loved one attend appointments with you to better understand - ask husband to go with you. I myself took my mother to meet my surgeon and she walked out of there fully supporting my decision after his expert explanation. My parents became my biggest cheerleaders.

Keep reading and posting here on the forum - we're all here to support each other and you are not alone in this.

Karen xo