Spousal Support

So while my weight has been trouble for quite some time and now causing comorbidities, my wife has also had her fair share of issues.  Before I met her she was obese, when we met through friends she had already lost about 60lbs through boxing and was in pretty good shape.  Since we moved in together, got married and had 2 kids, we have both ballooned.  On many many occasions we have had that talk "ok we have to make a change and get healthy" and we do our thing for a few weeks, one of us (we are both to blame) would knock the train off the tracks, and when we went off, we went off hard.

When I decided on the surgery, I was worried about how the home life would work.  my wife is very particular about her food, doesn't like change, doesn't like new things and hates substituting "healthy things" for the stuff she grew up with.  I knew this was going to be my biggest struggle, and I had settled on the fact that for the rest of my life, I would need to have my food separate from the family's.

So something clicked with my wife a while back and she has been on a healthy kick for a while. Something about this is different, she is determined, thoughtful, realistic and just plain awesome.  She is well past 2 months and is 30 lbs down (I have consequently lost about 30 lbs myself) and there is no sign of her stopping. She has finally realized that its not a diet, she is not restricted in what she can eat but rather she is more thoughtful about what she eats, she can have her sweets, but only as much as she needs to be happy, she is a food measuring drill sergeant, and has everything she eats recorded with cals etc, She looks fantastic and is happier than I can remember, She is trying new foods and we are making a point to be active as a family daily.

The policy we live by now is to eat as healthfully as we can happily do for the rest of our lives and be as active as we can happily be.  We don't believe in dieting or suffering through exercise because that never lasts. 

Having her on board like this has made it so much easier going into surgery and looking ahead, I know not everyone has the same support, I am curious to hear how others families supported them and even if they were supportive to begin with were there any challenges post-op in regards to the family support?

So while my weight has been trouble for quite some time and now causing comorbidities, my wife has also had her fair share of issues.  Before I met her she was obese, when we met through friends she had already lost about 60lbs through boxing and was in pretty good shape.  Since we moved in together, got married and had 2 kids, we have both ballooned.  On many many occasions we have had that talk "ok we have to make a change and get healthy" and we do our thing for a few weeks, one of us (we are both to blame) would knock the train off the tracks, and when we went off, we went off hard.

When I decided on the surgery, I was worried about how the home life would work.  my wife is very particular about her food, doesn't like change, doesn't like new things and hates substituting "healthy things" for the stuff she grew up with.  I knew this was going to be my biggest struggle, and I had settled on the fact that for the rest of my life, I would need to have my food separate from the family's.

So something clicked with my wife a while back and she has been on a healthy kick for a while. Something about this is different, she is determined, thoughtful, realistic and just plain awesome.  She is well past 2 months and is 30 lbs down (I have consequently lost about 30 lbs myself) and there is no sign of her stopping. She has finally realized that its not a diet, she is not restricted in what she can eat but rather she is more thoughtful about what she eats, she can have her sweets, but only as much as she needs to be happy, she is a food measuring drill sergeant, and has everything she eats recorded with cals etc, She looks fantastic and is happier than I can remember, She is trying new foods and we are making a point to be active as a family daily.

The policy we live by now is to eat as healthfully as we can happily do for the rest of our lives and be as active as we can happily be.  We don't believe in dieting or suffering through exercise because that never lasts. 

Having her on board like this has made it so much easier going into surgery and looking ahead, I know not everyone has the same support, I am curious to hear how others families supported them and even if they were supportive to begin with were there any challenges post-op in regards to the family support?

First off, congratulations!!! It seems like you have a very healthy outlook on this journey and I am so glad you have such a great support.

My husband is extremely supportive. We were overweight but relatively fit when we began dating 5 years ago, before my surgery we were both obese and enabling each other to eat whatever food we craved at that second and exercise very little (binge watching tv together, driving the dog to an off-leash park instead of walking him, etc). I'm almost 4 months out, almost 90 lbs down and am loving my new life! I could not have been this succesful without the encouragement of my husband, who despite not having surgery, has lost nearly 50 pounds! We now go for a long walk or jog in the morning to talk about our day, our journey or just be together...then when we get home from work we have a healthy snack and do strength training or relax together. It's amazing how we can watch a few shows and enjoy it more than ever becuase we worked so hard to deserve the rest and relaxation.

We do fight. A lot. This is a huge life change for both of us and not having the coping mechanism of unhealthy foods or hours of not talking in front of a screen has had a huge impact. We are both learning so much abut ourselves and trying to implement new healthy ways of dealing with stress that we often butt heads, it gets pretty bad to be honest. However, I am confident that it will pass as we become settled in our new lifestyle and find new ways of dealing with our conflicts. I admit I have found a voice for myself through this change, I have the confidence to say when something really bothers me and the energy to do something about it...I may have been too passive previously so that may add to the friction.

Overall, it's been really fun to experience this with my hubby. We both heard the statistics on divorce after WLS during my appointments and read the stories on support boards, he vowed to me that this was going to our journey to investing in ourselves, each other and our future. I've loved every minute of it and can't wait to age into the senior couple speed walking in matching track suits.

I am glad you and your wife are working this out. This surgery involves a lot of change within a family.

My husband never had a weight problem.  Didn't understand diets. Could always eat anything without gaining. Ass we have gotten older he now has to watch as he does gain weight. I had a lot of medical issues because I was obese. He has been extremely supportive as I have become healthier

For a lot of people losing the weight gives them the confidence to stand up for themselves in a relationship. If your marriage is strong it will survive. If the marriage already had problems will will not. Good luck with your journey

When i first told my in laws they were very unsupportable and didn't understand why i would want to do this.   After we sat down and explained a lot of the information we had found they became more comfortable.   Even to the point they traveled down the day of surgery and spent it there with my husband.   

As for my husband,  he has been supportive since day one.   We have both gained a lot of weight since we started dating 15 years ago.   We did the same would make a plan to change, it would last a few weeks until one of us sabotaged it.   once i started my process back in June with appointments I brought him with me so he knew exactly what was going to happen.   He's even lost about 20-25 lbs since my surgery in September because we aren't eating the junk we used to.   Good luck and congrats! !

My husband has been super-supportive all along. I think it's as Pat says - if you had a good marriage going in, WLS can make it even better (which it has with us). If you had a bad marriage going in, WLS can often give you the confidence to stand up for yourself and end it.

What you describe sounds great.  My husband has been extremely supportive of me during my WLS journey and has done everything I've needed him to do to help me out, but he is not along for the ride himself, which I'm okay with. We both started out obese (I was much more obese than he was before surgery).  When we met, he was probably about 225 lbs and I was about 275, having lost about 25 lbs at that point on WW before meeting him.  I lost another 20 lbs on WW while he and I were dating, and he stayed at around 225, so eventually I was 255 and he was 225.  Once we started getting really serious, thought, our activities really started to centre around food, especially once we moved in together. "Food is love" was our motto, and we fed each other wine, cheese, chocolate, and tons of restaurant meals.  Two years later, by the time I started opti for surgery, I was up to 336 lbs and he was up to about 245-250 lbs.

Once I had WLS, I think maybe he thought that he would end up losing some weight too simply because the co-dependent feeding thing would be broken. But it didn't work out that way. Instead, I ate my WLS-friendly food, and since I was never hungry or very tempted by junk during the first 6 months of honeymoon period after surgery, he ate what he wanted to.

And then he got into the habit of finishing food that I couldn't finish. So if we went out for supper and I ordered an entree or even an appetizer and couldn't fini**** he would fini**** for me. If I made supper at home and put too much on my plate, he'd finish that too. Before I developed hypoglycemia recently, I was already a dumper, so while I could tolerate a little bit of sugar, I couldn't have much. So it was actually quite easy for me to take one forkful of dessert and then put the fork down and not have any more. So we would order a dessert to "share", but I would have one or two forkfuls and he would eat the rest. After finishing his entree. And finishing mine. You get the idea. And now that I can drink moderately again (and sometimes not so moderately, sigh), we are back to having drinks together.

He has now gained 20-25 more pounds since my surgery, and I am feeling bad for him. I'm trying to think of ways that I am either enabling or even sabotaging him and I catch myself pushing food on him when I make some for myself, etc. I know that he can't resist food even when he's not hungry if the food is put in front of him, so I am trying not to do that. I feel like I should start rigidly planning "family meals" for us as a way to help him out, but honestly, just trying to stay on top of my own food issues (especially since they've been changing lately) is hard enough without taking on responsibility for his. I've tried making him lunches to take to work (since I pack my own lunches anyhow), and while he appreciated this for a while, he now prefers to go out at lunch since there is no lunch room where he works and his desk is in a public area where he will get no privacy for lunch.  He also snacks on junk food between meals - basically all the stuff I used to do.

I feel bad for him because I know he's not feeling great lately. His energy is low, he is tired, and he is stressed from work which leads to more overeating and comfort food eating. His clothes haven't been fitting and know that bothers him. One really positive thing he's done is to quit smoking back in May. I'm so thrilled that he has done that, but of course that usually leads to weight gain too.  So he's been having a tough time of it. 

I'm trying to think of what I can do to be supportive but not seem like I'm getting on his case about his weight. I love him no matter what size he is - he's always attractive and wonderful in my eyes and I honestly couldn't care less what size he is, but he's feeling crappy lately and that does matter to me.  He has been extremely supportive of me throughout my surgery and aftermath, and now I'm trying to figure out how best to be supportive of him.

I guess that's the long answer to your question about experiences with support from spouses and challenges along the way! LOL.