So today, for the first time in a really really really long time I wa**** on and persued by a complete stranger.  He seemed nice enough but I was not interested.  It totally took me off guard and I felt not prepared.  He asked if we could meet sometime for coffee and wanted to give me his number.  I told him I don't think it would be a good idea and no thank you.  I have not had to do that in at least 5 years. It's weird though because I was flattered but also angry because I know it's probably because I look different that he was interested at all.  What would you say not to be mean but to be clear that you are not interested?  I felt so bad, he was saying how it was so hard to meet people in ottawa etc seemed lonely.  I feel like I was a jerk he looked so sad when I would not take his number. Anyone else have to deal with more attention?  What do you do?

I would simply say, "Thanks so much for the offer, I'm not dating right now." and leave it at that.

I really encourage you not to get caught up in the "angry because he's interested now" thoughts. Totally unproductive. So what? All people have preferences in who they find attractive, including you. Each new interaction, meeting, coffee, date, whatever, is a fresh start, no dragging the past around.

Dealing with male attention was very tricky to me at first, since when I was heavy I was sort of "one of the guys". The new attention was embarrassing to me and since I hadn't had to deal much with it in the past, it was pretty awkward at times. Being little and blonde doesn't help - despite my potty mouth and warped sense of humour I regularly deal with male advances, I suppose I've become used to it. Actually, I'm sure I have as I don't think a thing about it really.

I keep it simple, polite, friendly and straightforward. No thank you means no thank you.

K. :)

Glad to hear I am not the only one who feels embarrassed and awkward from the male attention. Before losing weight I felt sort of sexless in the eyes of most men, and while that sometimes made me sad, it mostly simplified my relationships. It was easy to lump all men into the same category and moved on.  Now I feel vulnerable again in a way I have not felt in over 10 years. Glad to hear it gets better, because I felt like a complete idiot standing there with my mouth hanging open. When he started talking to me I literally looked around thinking he was for sure talking to someone else!

"Thanks so much for the offer, I'm not dating right now." 

Direct but not offensive ... love it, using it.

Thanks

Yes but what if you are dating?  Aha!

"No thank you".

You don't need to justify yourself and your answer should be accepted/respected at face value. But on dating sites, things shift a bit. The usual social graces aren't quite as respected online as they might be in the real world. Not that they shouldn't be. But people aren't quite who they say they are and sometimes, don't act as they should.

So. Just say "No thanks not interested". If he pushes? You absolutely do not want this guy in your life. Tell him you're not interested in him and then block him. You are not obligated to justify or explain squat.

"No means No" should be respected online as well.

Signed,

been there, done that, burned the t-shirt

Totally true and very well said. I will have to practice this for real life situations though, not used to it. I have not had this problem online yet but I am not really fully using the sites yet, just lurking. 

"despite my potty mouth and warped sense of humour"

really?

I am sure he will be fine. You're going to have to learn how to deal with a lot more attention, than previously given. For me, I have not really ever had a issue attracting men, even at 260lbs. Sure a large percentage of men wouldn't dare be with a big girl, but not all are like that. I'm pretty good at saying no thanks' without feeling badly about it. Embrace it, be flattered, and be proud of your hard work thus far! There will be many more advances from men in the future, I am guessing, pretty soon you'll be a natural at the 'declining without being offensive' approach. Good luck.

Thank you Jennifer, I hope to feel more comfortable about it in the future and have your confidence. I used to think that if a man loved me when I was plus sized it meant that he loved me for me and not for my looks.  Then I realized that is not so when my boyfriend dumped me because I went up one dress size.  So much for that theory.  Here is an idea: don't date ********!  ahhhhh!!!