The moment I REALLY knew -- a trip to Penningtons

The journey toward surgery has been a long one for me -- I wasn't one to rush the appointments, I didn't seek cancellations to speed things up, because at the base of it I was scared of taking this step and it took me the entire year of going through the program at TWH to fully decide that this was the right path for me.  I know many pre-ops on the boards are really sure that they want surgery very early on, and I respect that -- in fact, I'm a little jealous because I really wanted to be sure, and I wasn't for the longest time.  So I read everything I could, I lurked on the boards, and I went to all of my appointments.  And the whole time I was having internal arguments with myself because I couldn't get past the fact that I couldn't lose the weight solely on my own.  But gradually, through the appointments, through interacting with vets on the boards, and through a lot of soul searching, I realized that even though I'm still scared of the surgery (I've never had surgery in my life), that what I'm truly scared of is the change that is going to come afterward.  And I've also realized that that realistically (based on relevant stats) the ONLY way I'm going to have a chance at losing all of my excess weight and to continue to be healthy is if I take this step and accept the gift of the surgery.  For weeks, even after getting my surgery date, it seemed a bit surreal and I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it.  But just yesterday I finally had that moment of surety that I have been seeking.  And strangely this happened in Penningtons of all places.  I dropped in to pick up some trouser socks and to look at their new arrivals.  I was trying on a winter coat (my current one could use replacing) and as I'm looking in the mirror, I said to myself, "No, I'm not buying this coat, because by next winter, this isn't going to be me any more!"  And it was in that moment that my internal struggle about this issue ceased completely.  I can't say that I'm not going to be petrified on the day I get rolled into the OR,  but I can say that I've now committed 110% to this course of action, even though it took awhile to get here.  I'm sharing this for those of you who are pre-op who feel like I did, who weren't sure and feel out of place because you still have some reservations.  I guess that's why this process takes a year and for some, like me, that was a good thing.  Thanks to the vets who have been so helpful in sharing what they know and giving advice.  I'm glad that you're there for us pre- and post-.  I will be taking advantage of your wisdom in the weeks and months ahead. 

as Oprah would say, you got your A-ha moment!! :)  

Ha, yes, you could say that!

I've been "in the system" for over 2 years now myself...1st referall was in January 2012, went through the waiting, orientation, etc, took it upon myself to kick start my WL journey by trying nutri-system for 2 months in the summer, by the time I got to the 1st appt with the RN, SW, and dietician, I had lost enough to put my BMI under 40 with no comorbs...at the time, I actually felt relief, strange in some way, but like you it was fear, but for me, fear that if something were to happen to me, it would leave my kids without a parent at all, was going through a nasty separation/divorce, kids still to this day hardly have any relationship with their father, his doing completely, so I knew that for that time, it would be better to not take the risk and try it one more time on my own.  Two years later, here I am, now realizing that the surgery is the best option for me to be successful.  My mind is in the right frame, my kids are older and have a steady life, and I'm ready to put my energy into making me a healthier, happier human being!

Timing is really important, I think.  As is going into it with eyes open.  From what most vets have said, those who are the most successful are the ones who go into it knowing that the surgery is a tool and it only buys you a really good jump start for the first year, but ultimately to have this count in the long term, it requires a commitment to a new way of life -- and I think that's what took me so long to accept.  And the fact that the weight loss will create big change in my life, which is good but also a bit scary.  I gained all of my weight in my late 20s, prior to that I had been always been an average weight, so the gain had a lot of "head" components to it:  stress, loss, fear.  And I used food for comfort.  Now, I'm at a good place in my life -- I've got a secure, great job and a stable personal life -- but the habits that I built in that bad period have stuck with me.  Now is a good time to break those habits and fix what I've broken, and the surgery will be one of the tools to help me make that daunting climb out of what has seemed like such a deep hole.  I'm really thankful that in Canada WLS is fully funded as the life saving procedure we know it to be.

I totally agree with everything you've said. I also didn't try to speed up my process and I'm glad.  I went through 4 phases I think. #1  I was super impatient, could not wait. Everything seemed to take so long  #2 I kind of "forgot" about it, stopped stressing over what I couldn't change  #3 This is when it got real. I got my surgery date and told all my friends and family.  That was similar to your AHA moment.  I had no hesitation at this point. I knew this was the right choice for me #4 This peaceful blissed out feeling in just the few days/week before.  I also felt thankful and lucky to have the opportunity to basically have my biggest wish come true.  I cried 2 times during this period and both times it was just shear joy. 

Good luck!!!

Thanks so much for your response -- it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who had this kind of process!  And yes, it gets very "real" when you start telling people.  A few good friends knew when I started the process, I didn't talk about it much but as I was getting closer to getting a surgery date, the conversations became more serious.  Last week I notified my boss (although I didn't specify what kind of surgery... but I think she'll add the 2+2 on her own when she sees the dramatic weight loss).  Now I'm starting to tell my broader circle of friends.  I start Opti on December 15th, so holiday celebrations will be a bit awkward but so be it!  Bring on the Opti Yule Shakes!!! 

I'm so happy that you are finally at peace with your decision.  In my opinion it's one of the best ones I've ever made.  I was the same, didn't try to move  anything up, didn't rush but I never worried about it.

Laurie

Thanks, Laurie... it has been a difficult internal process for me but I'm actually kind of happy that it took so long.  It forced me to consider everything from all sides.  It's also helpful that all of the post ops I've spoken to say the same thing as you did - "best thing I've ever done" is a chorus I hear over and over again!

Loved this!  Everyones journey is kinda individual, I think.  I love hearing others A-HA' moment. I did take those cancelation appointments, but thats because I had my AH-HA moment before I even got my doctor to do my referral.