Dating after WLS

Hey Lynne ,

I am pre-op but just wanted to tell you that I agree with you . I too am very confident and know myself extremely well . I am happy and content with the person I am in my heart and my head . My body however ......not so much . But I have carried myself well through most of my past relationships and I know that I was attractive to those guys (You do just know lol ) . I even met my Hubby when I was around 250 or 260 lbs . He was the first man I feel that I really totally fell head over heels in love with and after the first initial flush of love when I knew I loved him and he was telling me he loved me , that is when I began to question "how can he be in love with me ?" .....I guess it all felt too good to be true . things got a bit rocky for a while as he was exasperated that I would ask him why and question it . I think we are on self destruct mode when things go so well sometimes .....like we don't deserve it or something !! Anyway ....we got through it and he stuck with me ....through thick and thicker !! lol ......and we got married and now have a little boy and life is fantastic ......except .....I never really got back to my confident and proud self . Our sex life dwindled a bit and I imediately thought it was my fault ,that he just wasn't attracted to me anymore cos the rose tinted glasses were off and he could now see me for the tubster that I am . But no ....he was going through some stress at work and not handling things very well and we got past that .

So ....I do know he loves me , but the bottom line is , I have become so unhappy with my body and I feel so unhealthy compared to my Husband and son , it's like Im the fly in the ointment ! I KNOW for sure , when I have this surgery , and I lose weight , I will feel like a million dollars . And I KNOW , my confidence will rise again . I can say this because I have lost weight before and I feel like a tiger !!! So strong and confident in myself . So I can only imagine , that if I can get myself down to an actual goal weight (although I have no idea what that is for me !) that I will run with it and keep running ....and will be smiling all the way ...... :) 

I am excited for you , because I totally LOVE all the tingles and thrills of the first few encounters with someone that you have a connection with ! And if you feel at the top of your game , those feelings are intensified because you can really relax and let yourself be the person you know you are and enjoy it . And that is sooooo much sexier and attractive to the opposite sex in my opinion. I look forward to hearing all the exciting tales (please do keep me posted !) of new dates . Good luck darlin , Mr right is out there no matter what .......Iv'e found mine and I'm keeping him , the only difference is after this surgery , I may wear him out !!!!! Lol  ;)

Thank you so much jax! You really got' what I was saying, and trying to explain. I feel EXACTLY the way you described, and I also can pinpoint to the happiest points in my relationships, being the time I started to sabotage it. And like you, I also knew I was attractive to those men.

I KNOW I will also be a tiger afterwards! ( love that description) I remember losing weight in the past, and even getting down to 190lbs, made me walk with WAY more bounce in my step. I could only imagine if I got to a healthy normal BMI, how spectacular I would feel. 

I look so forward to watching your journey throughout this.  Xoxo

You may find that losing weight doesn't change a thing.  Happy fat people remain happy thin people and miserable fat people most often remain miserable thin people.  I had surgery almost 9 years ago and have met hundreds of WLS patients over the years and very few miserable pre ops became happy post ops.  It most often is not the weight that is making them miserable.  I am not saying you are miserable but am just simply saying that most people do not change so working towards figuring out why you sabotage your relationships is a good thing.  It sounds like you feel like your weight is the reason and it could be but only working through it yourself like you are doing is going to give you definite answers. My relationships have not changed at all post op.  I'm the same person I was 200 lbs ago just in a smaller body.  I was extremely confident at my heaviest and still am now.  I had good relationships with me then and still do now.  Relationships with friends have not changed at all for me.  I know they say a lot of marriages/relationships will end after surgery but most of the time it's because they were crappy relationships to begin with and were most likely doomed with or without weight loss.

Hey Lynne. I'm much happier post-op than pre-op, because I can do so many more things. Most of my misery pre-op stemmed from having such limited mobility and not "fitting" anywhere physically. I have a wonderful husband that I had pre-op and now post-op. Our marriage was great before, and gets better every day.  However...I have noticed that I have acted differently since WLS. I used to be really unhappy with myself and my limitations before surgery, and while I loved him, he knew I was miserable. It didn't make me treat him badly, exactly, but my misery with myself kind of extended outwards, so I hear you about it affecting relationsihps. The only time my weight has affected a relationship to the point of breaking up is when my previous husband, who hated it that I was fat, dropped ultimatums and such over losing weight. I did the smart thing and dumped his miserable ass instead, a very healthy and sudden weight loss, LOL.

So will things change for you post-op? I don't know...I guess it depends on where your unhappiness comes from or what the trigger for it is. As others have said, there is so much that doesn't change post-op about our personalities. I'm the same person I was before, just a lot more active, and way more confident than I used to be. Strangely, I don't think it's my looks that have improved my confidence - it's more been my ability to do everyday things that I was having trouble doing before (putting on socks without being winded, walking more than a block, even certain basic hygiene things), plus the fact that my body can do things that have amazed me (walking forever, riding a bike, etc.) and it's made me feel like maybe there are other things that I can do too. Like art. Like learning how to fix things. Like apply for promotions at work that I only dreamed about before.

I really hear you about not wanting to date guys who wouldn't have dated me when I was fat.  That's one reason I'm grateful that I was married to the same guy throughout the process, and we have come through it still very happy together. I don't want to forget where I was before. I don't want to forget that there is discrimination against the obese on both an individual and societal level. And I don't want to date some shallow creep who wouldn't have given me a second glance (or who might even have recoiled in disgust at the thought of dating me) when I was 300 lbs. That's how I felt about it before and how I still feel about it now.

I think it's great that you're taking a break to get your head together. I did that for a long time after my first marriage. 

I would just be careful not to idealize what's going to happen after you get to your goal weight if you've set one. If you have body issues now that make you worry about whether your date will find you attractive or fat, chances are you might have some post surgery as well. Most of us don't end up with model bikini bodies - we often deal with loose skin, etc.  I have some loose skin but I've been lucky not to have any "apron" issues with my panni.  I thought I was going to have a really hard time seeing myself as attractive if I got bat wings and loose skin around the middle, but honestly, even though I have both of those, I'm just so thrilled with my body these days that even though I'm clearly not a model and I have a lovely muffin top now, I couldn't care less.

I might care a bit more on a first date, since I look much better in clothes than out of them these days, but I haven't been faced with that situation and am not likely to any time soon. But in a first date situation, I know that whether I'm 336 lbs with limited mobility, or 175-180 lbs with a muffin top, bat-wings and pouchy stretch marks around my abdomen, I can still "put a smile on my face and be the best me I can be" as you say above. And if things change after the first time he sees me naked, then he was a dip**** who doesn't deserve me anyhow. LOL. That's how I'd be looking at it!

First of all, I have to applaud you for taking time away from dating to work on yourself.  I think this is a fabulous approach that will keep your focus entirely on what's important, one thing at a time.  I see greater success in that method, so GOOD FOR YOU!

Learning to put energy into yourself will be such an uplifting experience, too.  I always put others before me -- not necessarily a fault, but I was so eager to please everyone that I often went without.  Even though I am also a professional, this behavior somehow came with my lack of personal (physical) confidence.  That changed when I lost my weight.  When I put myself first and let others do for themselves a little more, I found my stress starting to lift along with my resentment, because I wasn't doing without anymore.  Some had a rude awakening over that with my newfound assertiveness and ability to say "NO", but it was empowering to be confident enough to choose favors myself.

While I wasn't single, my relationship dynamic shifted with my Hubs.  He's loved me for 30 years now, thick and thin.  I don't know if it was the timing of my wls in our lives or what, but I found that he was more attentive after I lost weight.  I used to be able handle everything myself, and he let me.  Now he's making sure things aren't too heavy, etc.  I giggle inside, but I LOVE IT!  If I want to put myself first, I get no argument from him.  I get a "Go for it, honey".  This dynamic was a refreshing surprise, indeed.  Why was he not like this before?  I don't know and I don't care.  Life is too short for any kind of resentment.  I'm loving and thankful for what we have today and that's that.  When another man flirts with me, Hubs giggles and whispers in my ear "just remember to take his money".  We used to own a BBQ and I was asked often if I was married with Hubs within earshot.  He wasn't the least bit jealous, but instead amused by the exchange.  I told them "I'm very happily married, as a matter of fact, but my hubby doesn't mind one bit if you buy me things.....right honey??"  He's poke his head up and say "Buy her whatever she wants".  The laughs we got with that!!!  I wish all men took that new attention in stride.  Other women aren't as lucky, I'm afraid.

Working on yourself and dating after you're ready will not require such a shift in dynamic with a relationship, which will make things so much easier.  The confidence you have in yourself will reflect to others and make you more attractive to them.  I've always had a pretty face, and with enough lycra, my figure is quite svelte, but I really think it's my demeanor that gets the attention of others.

I will warn you that as you lose weight, you'll discover a new point of insecurity - the extra skin.  Wear lycra until you ever get plastics and nobody will know.  When it comes to relationships, it's now chic to take things slow, and this is a good thing.  Wait until you're both head over heals in love before you go skin-to-skin, and the love is greater than physical appearance, and that extra skin won't matter at all.

hm...why would she deactivate ?