Dating after WLS

I was thinking about this tonight, honestly, I think about it pretty much everyday. My past consists of long terms that all ended pretty badly, and were ultimately sabotaged due to my own insecurities. Which sucks, because I've met some truly amazing men who did try to help me work through my issues, but there is only so much they could take before they had to leave.  

I've found the heavier I've become, the more I've been a terrible partner. The weight has made me needy, jealous, overly sensitive, amoung other things. I guess looking back now, I never felt good enough or attractive enough for these great men I had in my life. No matter how much they tried to reassure me.   The last man I was with, told me at the end, if I didn't change, and start to love myself, that I would be alone for a very long time. At one point, I thought for sure he was the love of my life, and that we would be married one day. I still miss him.   

Since that split, about a year ago, I decided to not date until I figured all this out, until I felt better. I don't want to end up repeating the same pattern I have my entire adult life.    So I've been completely single and not dating for about a year now. Which I think is pretty long for an early 30s woman. Ive been asked out by seemingly decent men too, but I've declined because I really do want to make this next year about me, and this journey.   

It's not that I'm expecting WLS to change everything regarding my behaviour, but I am hoping it will help in having a healthy relationship, and possibly stop me from ever accepting less than I deserve.  I really feel like I am a great catch, and have the rest of my life figured out, great career, independent,  ect, if I could just get the personal / relationship stuff figured out...

Has anyone here noticed a change in their relationships and or dating after the surgery?    I'm looking forward to working through all these issues and myself now, and then eventually, getting back out there when confidence has been restored.  

I know people will say 'you have to love who you are with the weight on' but do we really love ourselves, completely, at the state we are prior to surgery? I don't think so, not fully anyway.   

I look forward to that moment when I walk into a first date, not worrying about whether or not he will think I'm fat, or unattractive, but instead walking in there with a big smile on my face, being the best me I can be. 

I would suggest you get a really good therapist that work with wls patients. Losing weight will help you but insecurities will not suddenly disappear. They can actually hinder your progress. The surgery will work on your stomach not your head.

I wish you well in this journey. It truely can be live altering but also a lot of work

Thanks Patm, I am working on the head part for the past year, but there's no way to really say how the surgery will change my relationships, until I experience that, I guess.

:)

Make a friendly coffee date with your missed friend, and talk about everything, and counselling is worth looking into as it will help you explore and gain greater understanding of self.  I would also recomend a journey in which you journal your thoughts, feelings, joys, sorrow and a step by step play of your daily activities and eating. Good wishes on your journey of love, weight loss and self discovery.

Hi 4-Jane,

Thank you for the kind words.  Not sure where you are in the journey, I couldn't look at your profile for some reason, but good luck to you on whatever step you may be at.

I think weight can help contribute to insecurities but ultimately they're are deeper issues that need to be addressed.  There are many obese women that have wonderful relationships and plenty of thin women who don't.  I think it is often easier to blame weight for all sorts of issues from relationships, not being active, not being successful at work etc.  The reality is that many obese women have no issue with these things so while weight may exacerbate the problem it is not the cause...too often it's an easy justification that allows people not to deal with the deeper problems.

I agree with the other poster, if this has been a recurring theme in your life seek out a good counsellor or therapist.  Work through these issues and it may make losing weight easier.  I know for example it is very common for women to add on pounds to protect themselves from abuse - physical, psychological, sexual etc.  when these women deal with their fears they can often lose weight more easily without self sabotaging.  I'm not suggesting this is you but just giving an example of how the two issues can be intertwined.

Come on you guys :) I wasn't asking your opinion on if you think I require a therapist or professional help, in fact in the post, I clearly stated I was not going to date until I worked on the issue, on myself, and that I wouldn't date until I figured it out. And you also don't really know if I already do have a therapist. 

I was asking if your personal relationships have changed, and if so how? I was asking for your experiences and how things have changed after surgery. 

Now that may be the over sensitive me chirping in, I'm good at that :) but I assure you, I'm working on my issues, and have been. 

Thanks for the feedback. 

I'm sorry I probably wasn't super clear in my post.  My relationships haven't changed.  The people who see me for who I am regardless of size are still there.  I'm speaking of not only post WLS but also my experience 10 years ago when I lost significant weight on Burnstein.

That said, in orientation they do mention that relationships can change post surgery, much like with any other major life change.  People who didn't feel very desirable or desired pre-surgery may suddenly find themselves the object of more sexual interest than before.  It can lead to break ups and divorce.  It is also true that if your partner or friends are into partying and drinking and suddenly you're not able to eat platters of pub grub and beer you're considered "no fun" and get fewer invites out.  There was a great post on this site a while back from a mother whose daughter suddenly became promiscuous with all the attention post-op but had great difficulty developping a meaningful relationship and identifying the men who were only interested in sex.  

In the past I 've only found one acquaintance that I'm less close to when I lose weight.  She's less " pretty" then me but tall and thin.  I suspect she liked going out and being the better looking one.  Whenever I've been lighter and started to receive more interest it's clearly bothered her.  We still go out from time to time now but less often.

The only issue I have -which doesn't bother me terribly- is that I distrust men I've known who become interested only when I am more objectively physically attractive by conventional standards.  I stick by the men who've loved me and been my friends regardless of size.  One thing being large taught me was to look inside people to see who they really are and I try to surround myself with people with similar perspectives.

my earlier point, which they also cover in orientation is that a lot of people see only the weight as the issue.  E.g when I'm skinny more men will like me, I'll be happier, I'll love myself, etc.  for most from what the psychologist says at the center this does not happen.  You will be thinner but the same problems will plague you.  I'm glad you see this as something you want to work on, but there is no shame in seeking out someone to help you. You know yourself best and what will work for you.  Many people find it helpful to be challenged by the hard questions a good therapist will force you to deal with.

I don't believe that losing a significant amount of weight, does not make us love ourselves more. I am overall, a pretty confident gal in most areas of my life, I have a professional career that having confidence is an absolute requirement. I do not not' love myself, I am trying to find the link between weight loss, and my past relationships, and why I often sabotaged them. The not loving myself enough, was the only thing I could come up with as a possibility for that, probably based on one of my exes saying that to me, but I am not certain that is the reason, there could be many many other underlying reasons, and or things from my past that make me do what I do in relationships.

I spoke of all this with my meet with the psychologist, and he felt I was very self aware, and would do very well after surgery. I can't say I disagree. If there is one thing I know, it is myself. 

I don't agree that nothing will change internally, regarding how we feel about ourselves after weight loss. I just don't. Maybe if you struggle with depression, this may be the case, where after surgery you find you still have this empty hole, but I don't struggle with depression. I as mentioned, am a pretty confident girl, and feel I have a ton to offer the world. Everyone is different, so we all will deal and face different emotions post op. 

I will be happier when I complete this journey, sorry I don't know who your psychologist is, but I disagree. When I lose the weight, I will be happier, and in turn it will effect my relationships for the better. As said, I don't expect to never not deal with things I've done in past relationships again, I don't expect them to disappear, but to say I won't be happier? Yeah, I am 100% positive I will be.

Good luck to you on your journey :) 

I ooze confidence and have a ton to offer to the world, am the life of the party, and go out my way to help and support others. I love, and am loved and have a very full, rewarding life.

I suffer from depression.

I resent the implication that one precludes the other.

Yes, yes, I know. You didn't mean it that way, it wasn't meant to offend... I know. You didn't offend me, I don't think you were intentionally insensitive. Your statement just "is what it is" and one that I've heard some variation of oh so many times.

Karen