Toxic Relationships

Hello Michelle

I totally understand what you are going through your mother sounds exactly how my own mother was except my mother was also physically abusive. I had to for my own sanity and by the urging of medical professionals finally walk away from my mother and I only had contact with her twice in 25 years and when she passed away I went to her funeral and it released a lot of baggage that I didn't know I was carrying around. I was not the only child to walk away from her so did many of my other siblings.

It wasn't till after she died that one of my sister's told me my mother was bipolar and failed to get help for it and I have one sister who is bipolar and she is exactly like our mother and won't seek help was and her own daughter has had to walk away from her along with my sisters brother and myself. I understand bipolar it runs in my family I have two niece's that also have it but they lead wonderful lives because they sought treatment and stay on their medication.

It is very hard to walk away and break free especially because it is your own mother but sometimes for you to move forward with your own life and not let her drag you down you have to. Just remember just because she is your mom you don't have to take her sh** you do deserve better and once you realize that it's the first step of moving forward take care of yourself first.

I am here to talk because I know how hard it is to have a mom like what I had and you have.

Lynn

I have - had - what I considered my longest, 40+ years, closest friend that I finally had to let go for good this year. I don't know what I would do if it was my parent. But I came to realize that she had all the actions of someone with a sociopathic personality disorder. I'm not a dr. or therapist, etc. but when I studied about this disorder all the marks were hit. In the past six months, there were so many serious personal issues going on of our own (husband and I) i.e. father-in-law cancer, WLS pre-op appointments, job change, etc. and all she wanted was attention and help with her problems.

Over the years we have gone our separate ways for years at a time, but we always would re-connect after a period of time. For me it was because I remembered the sweet girl I met in grade school and had plenty of fun times with on through high school. Now as I look back, for her, it was to get something out of me. She would say the meanest most hurtful things one day and act like nothing happened the next day.  I am now done forever.  For a parent, maybe you need to step back for the time being until you get yourself where you want to be. If you feel strong enough in the future, you can re-establish contact - on YOUR terms - with the pre-awareness of her tactics.  Much luck to you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Aunt and step-Mom. Look after you for now. There's a bunch of us here that we'll be there for you after surgery.

Lori, not sure if the last bit was for me (Aunt and Stepmom)... I think so, so I'll just say a big thank-you. It's not easy losing the three most important women of my lifetime, even if one of them was left by choice. The support I have found her on OH is just incredible. Thank-you!

I just wanted to say thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, and sincere empathy. 

I cannot believe just how many of your are in or were in the same boat as me at one time or another. 

Reliena, your experience sounds almost SPOT ON! to what I have dealt with over the past years. Especially the thanksgiving on (which I just experienced at Easter). And I am sorry for the loss of your amazing step-mom and aunt. I too was pretty much raised by my aunt as my mom was mostly negligent. But as they say "God only takes the best."

Lori W., i get the sociopathic personality disorder! I deal with the hurt one day, and the being your best friend the next day. It is very emotionally straining and just confusing. 

I am glad to see that all of you have overcome your issues with toxic relationships, and I hope one day that I can too! 

I can say this, that I have considerably backed away. As for now, I am keeping a bit of a distance, but I have plans to tackle this issue head on once my surgery passes. 

But again, thank you for all of your kindness and encouragement. I have no idea where I would be at this stage in the surgery process if it wasn't for all of you wonderful women to keep my confidence and spirits up! 

-Michelle

Thank-you Michelle! I'm so glad you are going to look out for yourself right now. It's YOUR time! I wish you all the best.

Hi Michelle,

I can certainly relate, and so I do feel sympathy for your situation. I know for myself, I want nothing more than to be in a great relationship with my mother, and to support one and other... Unfortunately, for me, I as well am always walking on pins and needles and always defending myself. I realized one evening that every time I do visit my mom (I live two hours away and have for three years, she has never come to see me, I have went to see her over 30 times) anyway, I did notice that everytime I left her company, I felt poorly about myself. I took that as a sign that it is also a very toxic relationship.

I do hope you and her can mend your ways, and that she does make changes, I guess while I have no real advice for you, I just wanted to let you know, I feel for you and your situation.

I ultimately distanced myself from my mother. I don't even think she is aware. As I do still go visit her, but I have distanced myself in what I choose to share with her. I no longer discuss anything of struggle I am dealing with, nor do I ever reach out for support. I find the times I have, I have only left feeling alone, emotionally a mess, and upset. So not sharing anything of real importance with my mother has seemed to be what has worked for me. Am I upset about not having that closeness? Sure, and maybe one day I will again, but right now, this gives me my peace of mind. Sometimes you just have to step back, do what is best for you, and take care of yourself.

Thinking of you and wishing you well!

-Jennifer