Down and out.

 Yesterday I got the chance to spend the day with most of my brothers and sisters .. ( by most I mean 5 out of 8) and of course my brothers and sisters in law, my nieces and nephews and my mom and step dad.  I love being surround by family. It's such a safe comfortable feeling. I just wish we could do it more often!   It's a constant non stop chatter that only someone in our family could handle for more than a few hours!!   There were lots of questions about how I'm doing after my gallbladder surgery.. And how I'm feeling in general.    I don't know why... Maybe because I was with my mother and sisters... But I broke down crying. I think I'm a little overwhelmed with my life right now and it all came out last night.    I don't know if I'm depressed or just tired or still worn out from surgery but something is off with me lately. I've been very emotional and hard on myself. I'm starting to really dislike my body and the horrible amounts of sagging jiggly skin. Knowing that reconstructive surgery may be out of my reach for a very long time... If not forever... Doesnt give me much hope for feeling better about it either.    I wanted this sooo bad. I was so determined to rock my WLS and show everyone how great it is and how well I've done... But it's so hard to keep up with myself sometimes. I'm still losing weight... Im down 117 pounds in less than 8 months.  I'm still getting my protein in and trying to take all of my vitamins ( a daily struggle in itself) but I feel like I've failed mentally and emotionally.  I can't get the fat girl out of my head.    I'm tired. Life gets in the way. I have so much stress at home... And I think I may be breaking a bit.    Don't get me wrong. I don't regret doing this. Everything happens for a reason and I believe that completely but my mom asked me last night if I would do it again... And I said no. Now if she had asked me next week on a good day.. Maybe my answer would be yes. So take everything I say with a grain of salt because it could just be my emotions talking!   It's hard to talk about this because everyone thinks I'm doing great and I don't want to disappoint them. Especially people who have had the surgery. We look at Gastric Bypass like we've been given a gift, which we have and I don't want them to think that I'm ungrateful.  I think I just wasn't  as prepared for all the changes and hurdles that have happened so fast as I thought I was!!

You are NOT ungrateful! I am so sorry you're having a tough time, and I can relate. When people ask me if I'd do this again, I always answer with no. Everyone's experience is different, and while I've done well with the weightloss and I follow every rule strictly, I've had major health issues as a result of this - ones that are stumping my team - and it has taken it's toll. I have lost count of the number of times I was hospitalized a few months ago in the span of 6 weeks, and sent home with no answers. I am now less healthy than I was pre-op, minus the extra weight that would have potentially caused me trouble in the future. I've developed Body Dysmorphia as well, and breakout disorders that stem from that. We never know, going into this, how it will effect us when all is said and done. I'm so glad when I hear people are smooth sailing afterwards, and I truly wish everyone's experience was like that.

Take it in stride, things will get better in time. If on a better day you still wouldn't do this again if given the chance, that is okay too. These are your feelings, and no one can tell you that they are wrong. You are definitely not ungrateful, you're just having a tough time and that is understandable. This IS an incredibly overwhelming journey in all aspects. I really hope you feel better soon, and that things look a little brighter.

PS. I had to have my gallbladder out too - it sucked.

Hi Amanda
I developed a ton of health issues after my RNY. If you would like to contact me and let me know what you`re going through, maybe I could help to point you in the right direction.

 Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one with off feelings. I hope you feel back to normal soon

Thanks for sharing. The aftercare for this surgery should include a support group that is run by a professional who can lead us step by step through the changes - the group would consist of everyone who had surgery in the area in that week as the changes are so specific to individuals and time lines. It would be good too if the group had access to resources including eating disorder groups, plastic surgeons, etc.

Anaesthesia always throws our bodies out of whack so I don't think it odd that you aren't feeling yourself. If you feel depressed in a few weeks from now I would seek direction from your physician.

I am not where you are yet as far as weightloss but I already experience an unexplainable fear with just 50 lbs gone. We had our whole lives to get used to the fat person and you have had only months to figure out this skinny one.

I am glad you are starting the conversation on this subject, it's not as easy as it seems.

 Thank you! I was nervous about posting this on here. I didnt know how people would respond. 

I'm sorry that you are having post-op complications.  I have been very blessed in my journey so far, and am grateful for this daily.

I understand the fat chick living in your head.  I'm so used to being critical of my body that I have a great deal of difficulty acknowledging the positive changes.  I also doubt that I will be able to afford any plastics; if I am able, it won't be for many years. 

I was talking with my husband about my saggy skin and total lack of boobs (nothing left but hanging skin that I tuck into a very small cup, very padded bra) and his feedback was "Would you rather have that 100 lbs of fat back?".  Honestly, I wouldn't.  I will become an expert on padded bras.  I will wear knee-length capris in summer, and I'll wear those long beach shorts over my bathing suit (I rarely wear one anyways).  I've always wanted to wear sleeveless shirts and maybe even a little sundress, but I think I'm giving up on that. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal.  I really hate the hair loss too, as my hair was really thin to start with, but I know that it will eventually grow back in.

I miss my carb-heavy pre-op diet at times, and get tired of eating protein-rich foods.  But I am in this for life.  I will live longer, be healthier and in less pain while I'm doing it, and may even get to be a grandma some day.  I am much less likely to die of a heart attack by age 50.  And I'll be able to dance with my son at his wedding without worrying about how fat I look to everyone.

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings by any means.  I completely understand where you're at.  I hope that my perspective helps a bit, and that you are feeling better (physically and emotionally) soon.

 Thank you so much!  Your perspective is very much appreciated !

You have a few options. It may be time to talk  to your family physician. I don't know if you've ever experienced depression but you may need some help that way.  As well, you could also contact your social worker and have a session with her and see if you can see what the next step would be.

The "head" stuff is by far, the hardest with surgery.  Our lives do not change over night, we still have the same issues underneath whether fat or thin. 

Good luck to you,
Dawn

Some great replies so not much to add other than to say sorry that you are going through this right now. I hope things improve. I'm glad that you are reaching out, I hope you will take this to your family doctor or social worker. Best wishes!