OT too funny not to share
> ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
>
> Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
>
> Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
>
> The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
>
> The directions said that:
> a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
>
> a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
>
> a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 in*****ircumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note:
> If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
> one note of caution:
>
> There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
> A three second burst would be considered conservative!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
> I had no control over the drooling.
> Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
> I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
> I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
>
> PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
>
>
Joyce----Today is the first day of the rest of your life
Some posts just should not be read at work. *snickers* as my eyes tear up from trying NOT to laugh out loud in my cubicle!!
Chris
Chris
Feb 19 2010 Referral to Ottawa Nov 24 2010 Orientation at TWH
Jan 25 2011 Nurse Feb 16 2011 Social Worker
March 10 2011 Psychiatrist April 8 2011 Surgeon
Surgery May 9 2011 Bowel Obstruction/ internal Hernia Feb 13 2013
OMG...I am dying of laughter, tears streaming down my face, ready to roll on the floor. Hilarious, and soooooooo something I could see my husband doing. He doesn't smell danger until it smacks him in the face. Too, too, toooooo funny. I love anecdotal stories
Referral Sent: March 19, 2010
Surgery date with Dr. Denis Hong: December 9, 2010
OMg thats hilarious here I am at working laughing so hard that I had to show my boss as she was wondering why I was laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing that sure made my day
Referral: January 2010 Nut/Behav: June 9/2011 1st appt - Dr. Wicklum: March/2010 6th app: Dr. Wicklum: June 16, 2011
2nd appt - Dr. Wicklum: June/10 Education Class: Sept 28, 2011
3rd appt - Dr. Wicklum: Sept 10 Meet the Surgeon: Oct 4, 2011
4th appt - Dr Wicklum: Jan 2011 Start Optifast: Oct 19th, 2011
Orientastion Class : Feb 2011 Pre-Op: Oct 24th, 2011
5th appt: DR Wicklum: March 2011 Surgery: Nov 9th, 2011
Heaviest Weight; 308 lbs After Optifast: 288 lbs Morning of Surgery: 288 lbs Goal Weight: 160 lbs Current Weight 202 lbs 
So funny Joyce, thank you for that!!!
Reminds me of when my nephew in law was showing my husband his dog's new bark collar
My husband put the new collar up to his own neck and did a pretend bark and got a slight kick to his
neck, stated that is not bad, but then did a big bark and the look on his face was priceless, it sure had
a kick to it that time LOL
Needless to say, he did not try it the third time LOL, he is a firm believer of the "dog bark collar" as
long as the batteries are fresh, which they were LOL
Your story brought back the memory of the dog bark collar
Thanks again
Eileen
my angel is Lisa48 
OMG! That was awesome!!!! Still laughing my ass off !
Toni..."Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the will to overcome it"
www.fatgirlchangingherworld.com 
Twitter:@fatgirlchanging
Surgery JAN. 19th, 2012 - Down 120 lbs & 75 inches @ my last Weigh in!!!! 
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