Bad Night....

So I promised myself that when I decided to write this blog I would be honest.. and share not just the good but the bad.

Well last night, I had a bad moment.  Yesterday was my sons 9th birthday.  We have a tradition that the birthday person gets to decide what they want for dinner...  I have been sooo good at keeping bad foods out of the house, and eating really healthy at home at at work... but it was his birthday and he wanted Chinese food.

At first I was just going to send my husband and the kids out to eat.. but we decided that it would be cheaper just to order in.  Long story short... I convinced myself that I have been so good and able to keep my foods down pretty well so I should be able to have a bit of Chinese food for his birthday dinner.... boy was I wrong!   After about 10 minutes my chest started to hurt and my mouth started to fill with saliva... and then out of no where.. every piece of Chinese food I ate... came right back up.

I felt soo stupid, especially because my husband already warned me and told me it probably wasn't a good idea to try it.  I had a bit of a melt down after.  I'm seeing these amazing changes in how I feel and look and I went to such great measures to make sure I wouldn't eat crap like that anymore... and what do I do?  I was so mad at myself.. but in one way I think I was crying over the fact that I cant eat it... I know its crap but I really used to like Chinese food.

I know most people wont understand this.. but its like taking an alcoholic and putting all sorts of drinks in front of them and telling them not to touch them while everyone around them drinks it in front of them.

And its not like I'm starving.. or even hungry.. its all in my head.  I think I want it.. but I know I don't.  I can keep food out of my house.. but I'm going to face these challenges along the way... I have to figure out a better way to deal with it.

The only good thing that came out of the experience is that my pouch is actually working thankfully and I cant eat the bad stuff.

Ive said it before... the good of this surgery will always outweigh the bad...but that was not fun.  I learned from it though.. and I'm ready to move on..

Today is a new day.

You know what?  You made a poor choice, paid for it (dearly, apparently), and today is a new day.  Onward and upward Amy.

Lesson learned?  I think yes.

:)

Aside from your husband's solid advice there probably was a moment when your inner voice said no!  We tend to tune that little sucker out over the years but this is a good reminder to listen to it. A lesson I will take from your experience.

Good for you for being honest, and today is a beautiful new day!

This situation is exactly what I fear most.......the WANTING.    I think that although the initial result was decidedly negative for you.....the end result will be just as positive!!!!   When you think about it, you learned something very important about yourself......how your "food weakness"  manifests, and the messages you tell yourself in terms of justification.  Because you've been made aware of these.....don't beat yourself up.  Use this newfound realization to your advantage, to make changes in the way you think!!!!    That's what I'm hoping to be ab le to do when it's my turn.....and believe me, I'm certain I will be in an identical situation!!!!   Best of luck on your continuing journey!!!!!

There are some interesting resources available on ObesityHelp on "Head Hunger".
I have been checking them recently because this is of course our greatest fear - succumbing to our addiction - the addiction that had dictated so many years of our lives.

In the end, I have decided to see a psychologist.
It's expensive, and I have had to lead her by the hand a bit, because while she's dealt with other addictions, she's only ever had one other patient with a food addiction.
But every time I go, I realize again that changing my choices and my behaviours is far more complex than even I had realized.
The WANTING (just like a drug addict) is the worst - and conquering that is a many-step process.
It's not all psychological. There is also a physical part, a change in our hypothalamus, brought on by repeated use and distribution of the magical "salt+sugar+fat" formulation used in the North American food industry.

Hang in there. You did good by confessing. It's good for the soul.
It's awfully hard. And it's going to take years.
But the rewards are AMAZING.

You know we teach our kids and ourselves by saying they have to learn on their own....well you did. I think what you did everyone one f us at one point will try or want to try! Chinese food doesn't have to be out of the question it just needs to be tweaked to suit your requirements. We make our home made Chinese food all the time. Granted I won't be able to eat the rice but I cook the fresh veg and almonds with my own sauce.
I am only weeks out but my niece is 3 yrs and she warned me she cried herself asleep many a night from head hunger and the loss of foods she couldn't eat. she is now a fantastic cook and baker. She cooks everything according to how we need to eat and her kids love it too!
Keep up the great work !

It sounds like you've turned a corner.  You seem so much better than your last couple of posts.  How are you feeling and you managed to get more fluids down?
Linda W

I think most people will understand what you are going through because we all have. Your pouch may not have liked what you gave it this time, or possibly it was the quantity or how quickly you ate - that doesn't mean it will work the same way if you eat the same thing again. What I do ahead of time is figure out what healthy choices (and food that agrees with me) are on the menu and order something just for me if I need to. BANA teaches that it's not about never eating ceertain foods again but in moderation, as a treat.

More strength to you.... the thing that will make you successful (in my opinion) isn't never having setbacks like this, it's doing what you are doing now.... taking an inventory of what happened, investigating the emotional truth of it and learning more about yourself from it.

I also have developed a relationship with a psychologist and find it very helpful. She asks insightful questions, to help me learn more than I could alone, and helps me pay attention to things I might not otherwise see. It's well worth the money if you can swing it.

The drinks in front of the alcoholicis a good analogy. It is actually worse for us in the sense that an alcoholic does not need to drink to survive but we do need to eat food!!
We also can not be perfect. We were not before surgery and surgery does not fix what is going on in our head. We will do things that are not in our best interests. Try not to beat yourself up too much. You havent failed, you said you learned from it and are moving on. That is the Good.