Telling The Family

Well, now that I have been approved and am almost certain I am having this surgery, hubby thinks I need to tell our families. When I told my family that I was THINKING about have this surgery, I got negative responses, so I can imagine what they will say when I tell them I AM going to HAVE the surgery. It wouldn't be such a big deal if we didn't all live in close proximially to each other. They will question my absence. Their biggest problem is ignorance. They do not know a lot about this surgery. I have researched it and know the good and bad and about complications and the possibility of death. I am prepared and wanting to do this. Hubby's family knows nothing about my plans. We don't see them that often. I don't think they even need to know. They aren't my biggest fans and will be very criticizing about my choice of "the easy way out". These are the people who, when I had to have an emergency c-section with baby #1, said I took the easy way out even though my daughter's life was in jeopardy. They have also made rude comments about my weightand my fat a$$. I don't want to tell them. When they notice that I have lost weight, can't I just tell them I have been dieting and exercising, which will be half the truth? I have always been a person who has guarded their privacy. This is my choice and I do not need my family's permission or approval to do this. I need hubby's family's approval even less. To me this is a personal issue and isn't open for public discussion. I do not want to be scrutinized by them on my progress or criticized for taking "the easy way out". Hubby is behind me 100% but thinks I need to tell our families. Should I?

This is just my story. When I told my family and inlaws, I just told them the FACTS. I had done my research, I have talked to all of the doctors, I've been seen by a shrink, and I know what I'm getting into. That what they hear in the news and talk shows and stars that have this done is not always the WHOLE truth. If they didn't want to support me fine but keep it to your self. My mother was just scared for me and that something could go wrong. But once I started EDUCATING her she learned that I had really done my research and had chosen the right doctor and procdure for ME. My mother in law well I don't know if she was pro or con but then she thinks depression is something you can just turn on and off and there is NOTHING medicaly wrong with you. But that's another story. ANYWAY just do what YOU think is right. No matter what you do someone will not like it and will find some way to tell you 'that's the easy way out'. But once you tell then all the 'RULES' you have to follow to eat for the rest of your life they might not think it's all that easy. Good Luck, Robin W 11/17/03 218/115 26w/4 petite

Hi Pauletta, this is such a good question. I haven't told my Mom about the surgery yet (I'm waiting for final approval). My PCP also treats my Mom and his suggestion for me to tell her is to gather some information about the surgery (articles from the news, from this site, etc.) and give them to her and ask her to read them. Then say I will want to talk to her about it later. At least then she is more informed instead of just basing her reaction on horror stories she has heard about the surgery over the years. I think my Mom's biggest concern is that I will be okay, I know she wants me to be happy and healthy. On the other hand, if I had relatives that were not going to be supportive, I agree with you that they don't need to be told. If you were close to them and their concerns were based on love, it is a different thing. But you need to do what's best for you right now, not for them. I think simply saying I'm eating less and exercising more is enough of a response about weight loss. It's the complete truth. If your husband is supporting you on this decision too, I'd stick with your privacy and let them hear about it if and when you want to tell them. Denise

My husband , Mother , sister and brother in law were the only ones that knew I was planning to have the surgery. One week before the surgery I wrote a letter to the women that work for me and the other School Food Service Managers, the food service director and my prinicipal and my friends that I wanted to tell about the surgery. ( I did this when we were on spring break , so I was only out of work 3 days ). I told them of my decision and that I had researched this for 3 years and I had been to all the doctors, etc. I told them the decision had been made and I was not asking for their advice, just their prayers. They all were behind me 100%. Good luck, Judy

Pauletta, Send them a fax or a singing telegram or something after the surgery if you feel you must! But don't do anything that ruins your own peace of mind, or is overly stressful on you. Let this time be about YOU. A few people who tried to play the devil's advocate with me were quieted when I told them, "I have been researching this for about a year and have decided that this is right for me and my own health issues." Some people said "You're not that heavy!" Which was sweet in a way, but I asked them, "Would you want to weigh this much?" Again, silence. Guess weighing 258 pounds and having constant pain in my knees is okay for ME. I don't think they thought of it that way, until I said it. I don't suggest lying, but just know that you are NOT obliged to answer every question people ask. Just look at them in amazement and say, "Why are you asking?" Good luck with everything! Kitty B.

Don't lie to them, they will respect you even less. You've made the decision, schedule and take care of everything in advance. Be Miss Efficient. Then tell them at the last moment and watch your demeanor. Don't be wishy-washy and don't ask them for anything. Just tell them matter of fact, politely, but briefly. You may want to copy some "generic" information that will answer their questions and statements and refer it to them (and cut them off) when they start their litany of questions, opinions, and complaints. It's all in the way you present it. Don't depend on them for anything, line out your support system, and walk away. And oh yeah, when you are thin and looking damn good and feeling oh so confident, strut your proud self! xo, Nancy M