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Sometimes I believe people are so busy having opinions they forget to think. Sometimes you are just being hurtful for no other reason then believing you have 'it' all figured out. If you don't know the whole story of somebodies journey then ask. If you don't want to ask then don't judge. This is an open forum and you have the ability to write whatever you feel like. It doesn't always mean that you should. Some people will ask for tough love and by all means if your heart is in the right place then give it. Most of the time people want support and if you are unable to supply that then keep on walking. You DO NOT have to reply to every post, even the ones that make you shake your head in disbelief at what you perceive to be that persons flaws.
Kindness is absorbed by people, practice it...it's a sign of intelligence to reach someone with kind words especially if the message is a hard one to take. Blunt, hurtful judgements are a sign of intolerance.
If you can't tolerate someone on the board block them and you won't have to see their posts any more.
In a couple of tired/off moments I have written and said things that came out wrong and were not helpful. Not purposely hurtful but just something that came out wrong. I've gone back and apologized, deleted and regretted what I've said. I'm learning to stop before I post and make sure I really want to say that to the person.
Before you speak think...people don't put themselves out here to be told off, beat up or tough loved into your truth. They come here for support to get through their struggles and fears. They also want someone to cheerlead them on when things go well.
Be kind...most people on this board have had enough hurt from other sources, they don't need more.
wish I had a dollar for every one of these " forum nanny" posts that have been posted in the nearly 5 years I have been. In this forum.
on 5/22/14 5:02 am
Most people who love us have no idea what it is like to be obese or have any weight issues. There are a lot of people on this website that can help. Really they can. In the beginning when I started out I deleted my profile.
I knew I needed help from people who have been through what I have. One thing that is hard when someone posts is to see how it would sound.Sometimes we can take it as nasty and others we can be like okay.
If you can't tolerate someone on the board block them and you won't have to see their posts any more.
This is solid advice. I suggest you read it over several times and take it to heart.
Most of the time people want support and if you are unable to supply that then keep on walking.
Last time I checked, advice along the lines of "this sounds like a serious problem and here is a suggestion of how you might be able to avoid it" is a sincere, supportive attempt to provide help.
Blowing people off and assuming they're clueless is a sign of intolerance.
Sparklekitty / Julie / Nerdy Little Secret (#42)
Roller derby - cycling - triathlon
VSG 2013, RNY conversion 2019 due to GERD. Trendweight here!
The trouble with any Internet forum is that we only see the written word. We don't see the smile, hear the intonation, know the background, share the culture. And so it is all too easy to misunderstand. This happens from both sides. People asking for help phrase it without clarity, people offering help may be misunderstood.
yes, people are unkind. But some it may not be intended. Some if it is! One very regular, generally apparently kind person occasionally becomes schizophrenic and launches a vicious attack on someone asking for support. Yes, nasty and in that case, one has to assume, intended.
But it is not that clear cut. If I post to say I am ignoring all my doctor's rules, eating less than a child but gaining weight, it is not helpful to express sympathy and tell me it will get better. Kind is telling me that unless I have a medical condition, I am eating more than I think I am!
Highest 290, Banded - 248 Lowest 139 (too thin!). Comfort zone 155-165.
Happily banded since May 2006. Regain of 28lbs 2013-14. ALL GONE!
But some has returned! Up to 175, argh! Off we go again,
On May 22, 2014 at 11:03 AM Pacific Time, kekosmom wrote:
I always think that tough love should come from people who love you and know you best. We all need a push sometimes but it shouldn't be from people making snap judgments on the 2% of your life that they know.
I like the people that come in here and say, "Okay someone give me a kick in the rear, I need it!" You know they are looking for that.
For the others this may be the only place they get treated with understanding and kindness through this process so unless you develop a friendship with them I think it's unfair of others to be hurtful.
When I see mean comments disguised as tough love I always worry, have you just pushed that person away or over the edge. You don't love them so are you just being tough because it's fun for you?
I'm all about the tough love with my friends and family who know that my heart has their best interest in mind. And I take it when they do it to me. If/when I do it here it's because I'm not thinking and I know once it's out there I've made a mistake of thinking I've got that person all figured out when in reality I'm making snap judgments and comments.
I believe there is a way to present advice that comes off as just that. And then there is a way to present that same info as condemnation. Advice can be mulled over, condemnation is just hurtful and either leaves a scar or is thrown out because it makes people mad.
If you are answering so quickly and off the cuff that people are reacting with anger then you are not being heard, so why waste time posting? Your points may be valid but why bother if nobody is hearing you.
I'm just as guilty as the next person. I'm not calling any one out but I really think this is something that needs to be addressed. I talk to lots of people through private messages that say "I won't post anymore because..."
What is the point of this board if people are scared to post?
So you would like to address the issue of how people respond in this forum?
Your "think image" you put in your original post should be used as guidelines for anyone *****sponds on here?
And unless they don't have any kind words to say they should keep that to themselves?
Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG
"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"
"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."
Personally, when I get replies that I find upsetting, I think it's more useful to work on figuring out why I have that reaction than to think that the reply should have been different. Often, if I take the time to really examine what I've said and what I'm presenting, I can figure out where the reply is coming from and the adjust accordingly.
There are certainly comments that are out of line here, but I'm here for information first and support is a secondary thing.
VSG with Dr. Salameh - 3/13/2014
Diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and started Vyvanse - 7/22/2016
Reconstructive Surgeries with Dr. Michaels - 6/5/2017 (LBL & brachioplasty), 8/14/2017 (UBL & mastopexy), 11/6/2017 (medial leg lift)
Age 42 Height 5'4" HW 319 (1/3/2014) SW 293 (3/13/2014) CW 149 (7/16/2017)
Next Goal 145 - normal BMI | Total Weight Lost 170
TrendWeight | Food Blog (sort of functional) | Journal (down for maintenance)
on 5/22/14 4:16 am - Canada
Thank you I do appreciate your concern but I didn't start this thread to talk about my personal issues.
I believe my post is relevant to a lot of people on this board who feel as I do whom I have talked to in private and the public forum who feel that some people are too harsh and hurtful.
My opinion can be disregarded just like anyone else's if anybody feels it is not valid.
God bless, Michelle
The recent comments by Charles Barkley on national TV during the NBA Playoffs bothered us greatly. Check out the article written by Abby Lentz (one of our speakers at our upcoming Conference) regarding Basketball, Barkley and Fat Bashing.
You can use your voice by discussing through comments after the article. You can also use your voice through the links at the end of the article through social media, sign a Petition, through sponsors and the NBA Commissioner.
Our voices matter - use yours!
on 5/22/14 4:03 am - Canada
I always think that tough love should come from people who love you and know you best. We all need a push sometimes but it shouldn't be from people making snap judgments on the 2% of your life that they know.
I like the people that come in here and say, "Okay someone give me a kick in the rear, I need it!" You know they are looking for that.
For the others this may be the only place they get treated with understanding and kindness through this process so unless you develop a friendship with them I think it's unfair of others to be hurtful.
When I see mean comments disguised as tough love I always worry, have you just pushed that person away or over the edge. You don't love them so are you just being tough because it's fun for you?
I'm all about the tough love with my friends and family who know that my heart has their best interest in mind. And I take it when they do it to me. If/when I do it here it's because I'm not thinking and I know once it's out there I've made a mistake of thinking I've got that person all figured out when in reality I'm making snap judgments and comments.
I believe there is a way to present advice that comes off as just that. And then there is a way to present that same info as condemnation. Advice can be mulled over, condemnation is just hurtful and either leaves a scar or is thrown out because it makes people mad.
If you are answering so quickly and off the cuff that people are reacting with anger then you are not being heard, so why waste time posting? Your points may be valid but why bother if nobody is hearing you.
I'm just as guilty as the next person. I'm not calling any one out but I really think this is something that needs to be addressed. I talk to lots of people through private messages that say "I won't post anymore because..."
What is the point of this board if people are scared to post?
