Is it helpful... (x post)

On May 22, 2014 at 11:03 AM Pacific Time, kekosmom wrote:

I always think that tough love should come from people who love you and know you best. We all need a push sometimes but it shouldn't be from people making snap judgments on the 2% of your life that they know.

I like the people that come in here and say, "Okay someone give me a kick in the rear, I need it!" You know they are looking for that.  

For the others this may be the only place they get treated with understanding and kindness through this process so unless you develop a friendship with them I think it's unfair of others to be hurtful.  

When I see mean comments disguised as tough love I always worry, have you just pushed that person away or over the edge.  You don't love them so are you just being tough because it's fun for you?

I'm all about the tough love with my friends and family who know that my heart has their best interest in mind.  And I take it when they do it to me.  If/when I do it here it's because I'm not thinking and I know once it's out there I've made a mistake of thinking I've got that person all figured out when in reality I'm making snap judgments and comments.

I believe there is a way to present advice that comes off as just that. And then there is a way to present that same info as condemnation.  Advice can be mulled over, condemnation is just hurtful and either leaves a scar or is thrown out because it makes people mad.

If you are answering so quickly and off the cuff that people are reacting with anger then you are not being heard, so why waste time posting? Your points may be valid but why bother if nobody is hearing you.  

I'm just as guilty as the next person.  I'm not calling any one out but I really think this is something that needs to be addressed. I talk to lots of people through private messages that say "I won't post anymore because..."

What is the point of this board if people are scared to post?

So you would like to address the issue of how people respond in this forum? 

Your "think image" you put in your original post should be used as guidelines for anyone *****sponds on here? 

And unless they don't have any kind words to say they should keep that to themselves? 

In  cowardly way she responded to me.. and blocked me.. 

kekosmom's reply was:
So you would like to address the issue of how people respond in this forum? 
Yes, I would like to address how people respond on this forum when it's in a negative manner. From the posts on this thread...

o well... Can't take the heat- get out of the kitchen... ... I say.. 

I love you.

Most people who love us have no idea what it is like to be obese or have any weight issues. There are a lot of people on this website that can help. Really they can. In the beginning when I started out I deleted my profile.

I knew I needed help from people who have been through what I have. One thing that is hard when someone posts is to see how it would sound.Sometimes we can take it as nasty and others we can be like okay.

Personally, when I get replies that I find upsetting, I think it's more useful to work on figuring out why I have that reaction than to think that the reply should have been different. Often, if I take the time to really examine what I've said and what I'm presenting, I can figure out where the reply is coming from and the adjust accordingly. 

There are certainly comments that are out of line here, but I'm here for information first and support is a secondary thing. 

The trouble with any Internet forum is that we only see the written word. We don't see the smile, hear the intonation, know the background, share the culture. And so it is all too easy to misunderstand.  This happens from both sides. People asking for help phrase it without clarity, people offering help may be misunderstood.

yes, people are unkind. But some it may not be intended.  Some if it is! One very regular, generally apparently kind person occasionally becomes schizophrenic and launches a vicious attack on someone asking for support. Yes, nasty and in that case, one has to assume, intended.

But it is not that clear cut. If I post to say I am ignoring all my doctor's rules, eating less than a child but gaining weight, it is not helpful to express sympathy and tell me it will get better. Kind is telling me that unless I have a medical condition, I am eating more than I think I am!

Well said Kate.

I agree completely. My issue is not with differing opinions it is with the way they are stated.

But I am saying that the way views are stated can only be interpreted through the mind of the reader. Some views are expressed in a way which leaves no doubt - they are rude! But many may be seen as rude when they were not so intended. I have many times seen posts from people saying they are upset and then when I and others, look at the thread, it is not possible to see what caused the upset. 

So I am not denying nastiness! I am just saying readers should take care before assuming that was the intent.